4 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Man.

Madame Noire published a post on things a woman shouldn’t say to her boyfriend. We know there's certain statements that will push your partner over the edge and have them behaving in an unrecognisable manner. Yet our tongues can get the best of us and we end up saying things we don’t mean.

Communication is vital within everyday relationships and it’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it that makes the difference. We often talk about tones within Counselling. The tone of the client and counsellor often reveals the true and sometimes hidden feelings behind what’s being said. We are taught to pick up on the silent language of what isn’t stated within a session. Research has found that 55 % of the impression people form of you is based on your postures, body movements and gestures. 38 % is based on the tone of your voice (tempo and frequency) and only 7% is based on what you say.

Here are four things you shouldn’t say to your boyfriend.

1. Any comparisons to exes are an ultimate no, no.

This sounds like common sense right? You’d be surprised what people say out of spite or simply because they haven’t thought it through. Some folks can be insensitive and before you know it the words my ex used to do so and so has rolled off their tongue. No man wants to think of his current girlfriend in any form with another man. To compare him to your ex is like rubbing salt in an open wound.

Whilst I’m on the subject of comparisons don’t compare your man to your friend’s partners. This behaviour will have him questioning him why you’re in the relationship. I for one wouldn’t want to be with a guy who constantly compares my actions and behaviour. Not only is it disheartening but it would dent my self-esteem.

2. Constantly throwing ultimatums.

No one wants to be threatened with if you don’t fix up I’m leaving. No amount of manipulation will get him to change. Giving him ultimatums can be viewed as childish and you don’t want to resort to such acts of desperation. Ultimatums push people into a corner and leads to defensiveness. It also puts a lot of pressure on both parties.

You have to ask why you feel the need to resort to such demands. Is it a form of control? Maybe your relationship is the one area you feel you can regulate. Or does it stem from a lack of confidence? This behaviour will have a negative effect and may result in your partner digging his heels in further and no changes being made. Or he may actually call your bluff and tell you to leave…..ouch!

3. Speaking negatively all the time

It doesn’t take a genius to know that if you’re constantly belittling and speaking negatively then it will have a negative effect emotionally and mentally. People react to things differently and this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I.e. I won’t bother cooking the dinner tonight as she’ll only complain about what I’ve cooked and how long it’s taken. .

This behaviour again leads to defensiveness and could resort in him barking back at you. It sends out the signal that you’re not happy with him or the relationship and will eventually result in your boyfriend not listening to you anymore as everything you say is negative. Some of us like to say bad things but when we're on the receiving end it doesn't feel so nice. 

4. Just leave it I’ll do it myself.

We all have set ways of doing things but before you utter these words think about why you’re so frustrated? Let’s say your boyfriend is loading the dishwasher but he’s taking too long in your opinion and he doesn’t rinse the plates first. Now these are minor things because the end result is that the dishwasher is being loaded and he’s helping around the house. Men like to feel like the provider and you demeaning him in such a way will have a negative effect. He may question what his role is around the house as you've taken on the role of superwoman. You can’t have it all. You want him to help you out, yet you moan when he does it and utter the above words. Make your mind up!

Break Up Sex

Break up sex is never a good idea because though it feels good while in the moment, it only delays the moving on process. It’s like continually going back to the source of pain and hoping things will get better. Or in some peoples case the relationship recommences. So many couples go through a vicious cycle of break ups to make ups and it usually starts with sex. Some reunite and try to make the relationship work whilst others make empty promises and mislead one another.

What tends to happen is a bit of time will pass and loneliness sinks in. You can’t be bothered/ don’t want to go through the process of meeting someone new. Familiarity’s great and you ex is only a phone call away. You start to speak more often and eventually decide to meet up. You have a whale of time and meet up again a few weeks later. Next thing you know you’re in bed together. Of course this isn’t the formula for every couple but I predict at least 60% of exes continue to have sex once they’ve split up.

The end of a relationship is like going cold turkey. It requires a lot of will power and wise choices to stop your emotions making hasty decisions. Once your guard is down, vulnerability sets in and this is when we’re likely to make big mistakes. Even if the decision to split was amicable, one person wanted the relationship to continue. I don’t care how convincing they are with regards to casual sex, someone’s lying and will eventually want more. One person will have higher expectations and will no doubt feel used about it all.

Some would argue there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all adults and have both stated that we’re not in a relationship but someone will want that old thing back. Unfortunately women and men think that having sex will restore the relationship. What started out as a bit of fun (which I can’t see possible when it relates to an act so intimate) is leaving you more distressed than the initial break up. Is there ever a way to keep sex emotion free? I think not. While you’re convincing yourself there’s no strings attached your only complicating things further. With sex arise unresolved issues, promises and a lot of hope.

Continuing to have sex only delays the moving on period. So many people are in denial and feel they can start a new relationship whilst still attached to their ex. It takes time and space to clear your heads without any distractions. Break up sex muddles your emotions, causes confusion and leaves you still emotionally attached. How can you possibly move on mentally/ emotionally if you’re sleeping with your ex?

In reality I know this is easier said than done but I suggest you avoid having sex with your ex!!!

6 Signs Your Partners Scared Of Commitment

Many of us will have encountered meeting that special person who can’t seem to commit. I recollect an associate of mine, in his late forties who expressed a desire to get married but couldn't commit within his relationships. Does this sound familiar? While society portrays it’s mainly men that are commitment phobes, women struggle with this issue to. Ironically the person who fears a committed relationship is the one who craves it the most. Below are a few signs that indicate the person you’re dating is scared of taking the relationship to the next level. 

1. This person wants a relationship but also wants freedom and space. They're usually attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent types. The book 'He's Just Not That showed an example of a young woman that dated a guy that wouldn't make time for her. He led a busy lifestyle and would often squeeze her in-between work and meetings. Be wary of a person that wants 100% commitment from you but can’t give the same in return. This will only lead to frustration and resentment.

2. They don't tell anyone about you. I know you don't have to profess your relationship status to the world immediately, but there comes a point when you’re nearest and dearest should know. Some people are simply private while others want to portray that there single and ready to mingle. When you’re truly happy and secure within a new relationship you can't help but tell your best friend, a family member, somebody…anybody. If after a few months he/she hasn't told at least one person about you, be concerned. This could indicate that they don't want anyone to know you exist as they’re not sure of their feelings, they’re scared or simply keeping their options open.

3. They avoid going out with you and your friends. Your friends and family will offer up thoughts about your new beau with or without your consent. They’ll also be able to see red flags that you can’t due to the love goggles. If a person doesn’t want to commit, they won’t get too involved in your world i.e. hang out with friends, getting to know your hobbies and interests, etc. Doing so will indicate some form of attachment. Attachment doesn’t bode too well with commitment phobes.  Meeting family often forces a person into addressing how they really feel. There’ll always be that aunt/ father asking so what are your intentions? Cue awkward silence…..

4. Vague about their feelings. Some folks find it difficult problem conveying their feelings and come across vague and disconnected. If they can't acknowledge how they feel through words I’d like to think their actions will speak volumes. If you’re not seeing any concrete signs of progression then maybe they just don’t care enough about you. You know within yourself when something feels a bit off. Even if you’re not ready for children, marriage or living together you should know whether you want this person in your life and whether you can be there for them wholeheartedly not when it suits you.

5. They wont allow the relationship to go and don't have any intentions of doing so. I consider this as having your cake and eating it. In other words it’s selfish, because you’re constantly putting your needs before your partners. You can’t commit to the relationship but won’t let the other person go. If you know you can’t give your other half what they want why string them along and let them fall deeper in love with you? Be wary of this as it’s all a form of control. I’ve had friends say they were optimistic and felt they could give more of themselves to the person when in reality they couldn’t. Yet they had no intention of getting out of the relationship. No one wants to be alone but its better for both parties if you just be honest.

6. They hate planning ahead because that means commitment. There was a time when I dated a guy that would not commit to any plans. The simplest proposals of going to the cinema or dinner were always greeted with I’ll let you know. Huh?!?! A simple yes or no would have suited me fine at least that way I would have known where I stood. These were all excuses he’d use because he didn’t want to go out with me. Do not be fooled by inconsistent behaviour and don’t make excuses for it. If the person you’re with constantly blows hot and cold and has you questioning whether you’re dating two different people I suggest you reflect on what’s keeping you there in the first place.

These aren't definitive guidelines but points to be aware of. Some men/ women will display bad behaviour so that you have no choice but to leave. The end result…no commitment! Then you’re left with the guilt of ending the relationship. Take the time to get to know a person, LISTEN to the words they use on a daily basis. If you choose to continue a relationship with someone who displays non committal behaviour it’s at your own risk. You’ll eventually get to a point where the good memories are replaced with bitterness.

6 Signs Your Dating The Wrong Person

We've all encountered that feeling within a relationship where something doesn't quite feel right? It’s been months and you don't seem to be progressing. Every relationship will experience highs and lows but there are a few signs that maybe the person you’re dating isn't right for you. E Harmony published a good article on this subject, below are a few points they mentioned as well as my own.

1. They're abusive. Abuse comes in many forms not just domestic violence. People underestimate the psychological damage of emotional and verbal abuse. If a person isn’t respecting you or your boundaries, constantly belittling you and demonstrating controlling tendencies you may want to asses your relationship. If you find your arguments resort to violence then there's a problem. I understand it’s not easy to just pick up your bags and leave but the first step is awareness that this is not acceptable behaviour.

2. There scared of commitment. You can't really plan for the future with someone’s who’s scared of commitment. Try having a conversation of where you hope to see the relationship in a few months time and you'll probably be greeted with an awkward silence or a change of topic. Dating a commitment phobe will often leave you very frustrated. Some obvious signs are they have a history of short relationships; they'll limit the amount of time they spend with you and treat you as a low priority. Read the signs for what they are, there’s no guarantee that your love and affection will change them.

3. You’re Not Happy. I've been in a relationship where I wasn't happy due to the points above. It becomes draining emotionally and mentally and is there for everyone to see. You can’t fake happiness no matter how much you try. If you’re not happy within your relationship it will have a knock on effect within other areas of your life.

4. Your Instincts Are Calling. Oh how I could have saved myself so much heartache if I'd trusted my intuition a bit more. That little voice inside our head is there for a reason, those doubts your feeling usually mean something. I’m not suggesting you end a relationship but you should definitely take the time to follow your intuition. Find out what it is that’s bothering you and then you’ll have grounds to make a decision. It may end up confirming something good or bad.

5. They String You Along. There’s nothing worse than being strung along. I for one hate not knowing where I stand with a guy. A classic example was with a guy I briefly dated. I'd often suggest things to do and his response would be that he'd let me know *confused face*. Majority of the time I’d be left twiddling my thumbs. Dude, just say if you can't come or don’t want to do something. If you’re in a relationship and are experiencing non committal behaviour then you may want to reevaluate whether it’s worth your time. When a person is stringing you along its anything that makes you feel powerless and out of control while the other person calls the shot.

6. They're cheating. I had to add this point as it frustrates me when men/women turn a blind eye to their partner’s endless infidelity. I understand there's a lot of factor’s including children and self- esteem issues that makes it harder to leave. However my past experiences have shown that the longer you stay and accept this behaviour the harder it is to leave. It destroys trust and the bonding between couples.