Tuesday, April 24, 2012

4 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Man.

Madame Noire published a post on things a woman shouldn’t say to her boyfriend. We know there's certain statements that will push your partner over the edge and have them behaving in an unrecognisable manner. Yet our tongues can get the best of us and we end up saying things we don’t mean.

Communication is vital within everyday relationships and it’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it that makes the difference. We often talk about tones within Counselling. The tone of the client and counsellor often reveals the true and sometimes hidden feelings behind what’s being said. We are taught to pick up on the silent language of what isn’t stated within a session. Research has found that 55 % of the impression people form of you is based on your postures, body movements and gestures. 38 % is based on the tone of your voice (tempo and frequency) and only 7% is based on what you say.

Here are four things you shouldn’t say to your boyfriend.

1. Any comparisons to exes are an ultimate no, no.

This sounds like common sense right? You’d be surprised what people say out of spite or simply because they haven’t thought it through. Some folks can be insensitive and before you know it the words my ex used to do so and so has rolled off their tongue. No man wants to think of his current girlfriend in any form with another man. To compare him to your ex is like rubbing salt in an open wound.

Whilst I’m on the subject of comparisons don’t compare your man to your friend’s partners. This behaviour will have him questioning him why you’re in the relationship. I for one wouldn’t want to be with a guy who constantly compares my actions and behaviour. Not only is it disheartening but it would dent my self-esteem.

2. Constantly throwing ultimatums.

No one wants to be threatened with if you don’t fix up I’m leaving. No amount of manipulation will get him to change. Giving him ultimatums can be viewed as childish and you don’t want to resort to such acts of desperation. Ultimatums push people into a corner and leads to defensiveness. It also puts a lot of pressure on both parties.

You have to ask why you feel the need to resort to such demands. Is it a form of control? Maybe your relationship is the one area you feel you can regulate. Or does it stem from a lack of confidence? This behaviour will have a negative effect and may result in your partner digging his heels in further and no changes being made. Or he may actually call your bluff and tell you to leave…..ouch!

3. Speaking negatively all the time

It doesn’t take a genius to know that if you’re constantly belittling and speaking negatively then it will have a negative effect emotionally and mentally. People react to things differently and this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I.e. I won’t bother cooking the dinner tonight as she’ll only complain about what I’ve cooked and how long it’s taken. .

This behaviour again leads to defensiveness and could resort in him barking back at you. It sends out the signal that you’re not happy with him or the relationship and will eventually result in your boyfriend not listening to you anymore as everything you say is negative. Some of us like to say bad things but when we're on the receiving end it doesn't feel so nice. 

4. Just leave it I’ll do it myself.

We all have set ways of doing things but before you utter these words think about why you’re so frustrated? Let’s say your boyfriend is loading the dishwasher but he’s taking too long in your opinion and he doesn’t rinse the plates first. Now these are minor things because the end result is that the dishwasher is being loaded and he’s helping around the house. Men like to feel like the provider and you demeaning him in such a way will have a negative effect. He may question what his role is around the house as you've taken on the role of superwoman. You can’t have it all. You want him to help you out, yet you moan when he does it and utter the above words. Make your mind up!

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