Tuesday, September 27, 2011

6 Reasons Why He Won't Call.

Have you wondered why a guy acts interested upon meeting you but doesn't call. HE asks for your number and then doesn’t call you. What is that about? Why bother asking for the number if you have no intention of calling right? Not only is this frustrating, it can leave some women in a state of confusion. Check out the 6 reasons why men don’t call.

1. They lost your phone number or forgot to call. Some men are unorganized or a member of the procrastination club. When they do retrieve your number or remember to call so much time has passed that they feel they can’t call you now.

2. Some men do it for an ego boost. Part of the process can be an exchange of phone numbers. Ego stroking is an extremely addictive habit to men. Subconsciously knowing that a woman out there is waiting on your call can be flattering to some men. Some would call this game playing.

3. Not all men are as confident as they’ll have you believe. Underneath the bravado some are inexperienced and haven’t been emotionally close to a woman before. I.e. they’ll have a great date and want to maintain the high feeling. Because this experience doesn’t happen often they are scared to continue interactions with you through fear of messing things up. Instead of taking a risk and seeing where the friendship could potentially go they’d rather play it safe and reminisce on the memories no matter how brief the encounter was.

4. Sometimes men will get your number just in case their situation changes. Just in case they get bored. Curiosity can get the best of us. It’s good to get the number in case they get some random urge or reason to call you in the future. Plus, getting a woman's number is a kind of like a "trophy" to show to other immature men.

5. They just wanted a booty call and you didn’t fit the criteria, which isn’t a bad thing! Where you meet a man can sometimes determine what a guy is looking for. I don’t want to generalise but I’ve never met any of my exes in a night club. This isn’t impossible and I know people who have met their partners at raves. However how many of these relationships stand the test of time compared to meeting in a different setting. Most time when you go to a club/bar men have come out with the idea of ‘hooking up’. While you may be a great woman his mindset is in ‘hooking up’ mode. Yes he may take your number but then realise that you’re not actually what he wants at this moment in time.

6. They thought they were being polite by getting your number. Conversation’s flowing; you seem to hit it off, great similarities. Sometimes when a guy has a great time with you they feel obliged to get your phone number. I guess it seems like a kind way to end the conversation compared to a take care and goodbye. Remember not every man is as forthright and assertive as you’d like.

I guess the bottom line is, it’s no onus on the women. An attracted man will get over the game playing, the immaturity and the busy lifestyle to call you. If not then as the book/ film states he’s just no that into you.  

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why Empathy Is Important.

Empathy is an important element within all relationships. It is to emotionally put your self in the place of another. When we demonstrate it we identify with another's feelings. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings and identify them. While a lack of empathy means not understanding the feelings and emotions of a person with whom we are in a relationship. Such behaviour is responsible for relationship break ups.

To master empathy you need to have self -awareness, non judgement, listening skills and self-confidence.
I discussed self-awareness in a post earlier this year as it’s a key element within Counselling. It’s hard to sympathise with a partner’s emotion if you don’t have a sense of how you behave. This is when you’d have to look within yourself. Although you may not be able to relate to their feelings, you’d have to ask how you may feel in a similar situation. What kinds of emotions arise?

Robert Plutchik (Psychologist) identified eight basic human emotions, joy, trust, fear, surprise, anger, disgust, anticipation and sadness. From there spin many layers of human feelings. An aspect of self awareness is checking your body language. How do you react to problems, what’s your initial response, how does your partner’s tone of voice make you feel? Learning self awareness is an understanding of the above eight emotions within yourself and then envision how your partner is feeling.

If we are veering toward an empathetic nature we won’t be quick to judge. Instead we’ll try to understand where they’re coming from. If being confronted I may be inclined to respond in a defensive manner which doesn’t always help resolve a situation. I should try and study the persons intentions. E.g. If your girlfriend is nagging you because she doesn’t see you enough don’t look at it she’s trying to suffocate you. Maybe she just wants to spend more time with you. If he is critical about your weight gain maybe its not to embarrass you or be mean but because he wants to see you healthy and at your best. Taking the time to talk in a calm way can help you have empathy in the situation.

Another key component of empathy is listening. Some of us have a tendency to practice selective listening. We hear the words but don’t understand the feelings behind them. You can’t go wrong with rephrasing what you thought you heard back to your partner. For example he might say I prefer it when you roast the chicken like this. And you respond with you hate the way I cook chicken? And then he clarifies No, I just prefer it when you cook the chicken this way as I feel it’s an healthier alternative to fried chicken. How many of us really take the time to listen to what our partner is saying?

Finally whilst learning to be empathetic you have to love yourself. We’ve all heard the saying you can’t love someone else unless you learn to love yourself first. How can you respect and love another person if you don’t think highly of yourself? Empathy is about being patient, kind and ready to not always be right. Once you understand your flaws and begin to accept them your on your way to understanding others.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

4 Signs Your Relationship Is Dying

Break ups are never easy but we know within ourselves when its time to call it a day. There’s nothing worse than stalling and second guessing whether to call your relationship quits. If your intuition is telling you to get out and you’re no longer happy then you need to follow your gut instinct.
The end of a relationship doesn’t always occur due to a person being treated badly. It may just be that you weren't compatible and that relationship has run its course. There’s a difference between being in a relationship rut and a dead end relationship. Below are a few red flags that may confirm your relationship is coming to an end.

1. Lack of Respect.
Can you imagine your partner swearing at you at a family gathering? No neither can I, because that would mean that he doesn't value me or care about my feelings. If your partner doesn’t respect your dreams, feelings or beliefs then they're not accepting you for who you are.
Respect is an important factor within everyday life, especially in our relationships. It shows an element of understanding and value for each others boundaries. Without respect your relationship will NOT survive. No ones want to feel belittled by their partner or spoken to impolitely. Not only is it embarrassing but it enforces that one person has stopped acknowledging the other persons values. It drives people to continually talk negative to one another other and will probably put you on the defensive even when you don’t need to be.

2. No time for each other
There's no excuse for not making time for your spouse. If your partner can't make time for you on a regular basis then you’re no longer a priority in their life. I understand we are busier than ever and we no longer work 'normal' working hours but this is where you need to make some adjustments and find a balance.
If your partner chooses to not make time for you then they may have lost interest in the relationship. They may be hiding behind work or other distractions to avoid confronting the issues at hand. Time investment is important to all relationships as it shows that both parties are making an effort.

3. Incompatible Goals
Having mismatched goals can cause you to drift apart? Do you want a big family? Do you hope to get married? Do you plan to travel the world? Incompatible goals can be a deal breaker depending how big or small they are. This is where communication is vital as you’ll need to discuss whether you are heading towards the same goal. Some differences can't be overcome and this may be a sign that your relationship is dying a slow death.

4. Constant Bickering.
All relationships need a healthy dose of arguments but when they overshadow everything else it’s not a good sign. According to the netdoctor, constant petty bickering tends to be a habit couples fall into to avoid larger, more painful issues. While angry and abusive fights show that consideration and thoughtfulness have disappeared from your relationship.
If you can’t speak to each other in a civil manner even after the argument has ended then you may have to call it quits. You can’t have effective communication when neither party is listening and trying to shout over one another. If you can’t compromise and meet a middle background the relationship will end up going one sided. One partner will always get their own way leading to resentment and the bond between you breaking.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

5 Reasons Why Your Ex Will Come Back

Hands up all those who’ve wanted their ex to come beating down their door once the relationships ended? I hold both hands up high. Is it just a female thing or do men secretly desire this too? I guess it has a lot to do with our ego as everybody likes/wants to feel wanted. Especially if they did wrong by you, there’s that gratifying sense that they want you back. After all the bravado it seems they are hurting too. It’s harder for women to gauge as we will openly express our emotions, some men don’t.

I recall when I split up with my first boyfriend, I was truly devastated. He wasn’t a great partner but I was young and naive at the time and thought he was the love of my life. I recall my friend’s mom vehemently saying that he'll come back…they always come back! In the back of my mind I thought no he won't. Not only is he stubborn but we didn't break up on the best of terms. Surprise, surprise a year and a half later he came back.

I assure you for the most part your ex will come back on the scene. They may not openly say they want you back but I guarantee they’ll reappear. Their words and actions will indirectly say that they want to be around in some form. However the motives behind their sudden return aren’t always clean cut. Is he playing games with me? Does he want to give the relationship another go? I read a great piece on Madame Noire website about exes coming back and decided to add my two pence worth.

1. He misses you
Despite the cause of your split you’ll definitely be missed. We all know the saying you don't know what you've got till it’s gone. Unfortunately some of us take our partner for granted and don't appreciate them as much as we should whilst in a relationship. Once they've left you have time to reflect on the, should a, could a, would as. Sometimes it takes you to leave before your ex partner can recognize whether they can treat you right and enable you both to have the relationship you want and deserve.

2. He knows you’ll take him back.
Your ex knows you better than you think. If I had a pound for every time one of my girlfriends said that they were done with their ex and that they won’t be giving them the time of day again *yawn* I’m guilty of throwing around that statement too. He's lost me for good….blah, blah. All it takes is one phone call, you hear their dulcet tones and you’re back to square one. All that strength you’d found to get yourself back on track goes out the window and your back to an emotional wreck. Not sure whether to consider giving him another chance. When we want things to work we end up believing that this time it will be different. A good friend of mine is convinced people don't change; I'm still undecided. The fact is things seem nice and sweet for the first few months then old habits return and your back where you started.

3. He's Bored.
This is why you must be careful not to jump straight back into the arms of your ex. The reason behind your separation will determine whether you want to give things another go. For this reason you should proceed with caution there's no rush. Don't let familiarity cause you to make any hasty decisions. Your ex may have a selection of people he's entertaining but their not quite cutting it. You’d be surprised how that one phone call spirals into a rendezvous. Don't mistake his boredom for wanting to get back into a serious relationship with you.

4. There’s No One Else Around.
If your ex hasn't found a new beau don't be surprised if your phone starts ringing. It may just be that you’re wanted for intimacy nothing more, nothing less. As I mentioned in point 2 when we're used to peoples traits and once sex is added to the equation it's easy to go back to what you know. No one wants to be alone at the best of times and you may be there to fill the gap until someone new comes along.

5. You've moved on.
Is it just me or do you find your exes always come back once you've moved on, what is that? Not necessarily within a new relationship but you've washed your hands of your ex and have no intentions of getting them dirty again. The love has well and truly gone. The thing is once you've moved on from the heartbreak and state of depression you return to a state of happiness. Your more confident and have learnt from the experience When your ex sees you content and positive it reminds them of the person you were when you first met. Before things got deep and heavy and before nagging Norah emerged. More than likely your ex will be drawn to your renewed confidence and will end up coming back within your radar. Maybe it’s the challenge of wanting what they can’t have?
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