Tuesday, January 8, 2013

5 Ways Men Communicate Differently

Men and women grow up poles apart leading to different communication styles/ behaviours. Women want rapport talk i.e. they want empathy, connection and understanding. As young girls they've used talking as a bonding exercise and a way to build relationships. Men want report talk i.e. they want the basic details and information at hand. Which enables them to go into fix it mode. This alone indicates the different expectations each sex has whilst communicating.

A lot of time when women throw around the statement you’re not listening, men actually are. We’re just not getting the response we want. We've become so familiar with getting a compassionate, time focused sense of agreement reaction from our girlfriends that when we don’t get this from our men it feels strange.  

Most men have a hard time communicating anything that remotely resembles an emotion. Why? Because emotions are scary to men, who think much more than they feel, and much of the time, many men don’t even know what or how they are feeling....It is interesting to note that women think and feel at the same time, while men can only think or feel.’ (Psychology Today)

Nancy Travers listed the different communication styles between men and women. 

1. Jumping topics- Women stay focused on one topic, while men jump from topic to topic.
2. Body language- Women face each other while men talk to each other at angles and look in other places in the room and even sometimes at their conversation partner. 
3. Apologies - Women apologize more, hoping to create or sustain connections. Men don't like giving apologies since they view them as a loss of face.
4. Verbal fillers- Women use "mhm," "uhuh" and "go on," as a way of connecting with others, while men are more likely to stay silent.
5. Negotiation- Women prefer discussion, their goal being consenus, while men favor more direct communication and speedy results. 

A lack of communication from a man doesn't necessarily mean a lack of attention but has more to do with his makeup. Men tend to express themselves better with actions while women express themselves better through verbal communication. Once the male and female have a better understanding of how each expresses themselves communication should be easier. It is a continuous journey that requires patience, understanding and empathy. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

What's Your Relationship Pattern?

Are you one of those people whose ex partners seem to be the same person with a different name? If yes this post is for you....the case of the recurring relationship. He looks different but carries the same traits that make you unhappy and keep you tied to a destructive relationship. Maybe he can’t commit, he’s a player, doesn't make time for you or has a controlling nature. The problem is you keep dating the same kind of guy. This seems to be a bigger problem for the ladies. Is it down to low self esteem? Or maybe it’s the save a man/fixer tendency within us?  

Women often struggle with the fact that their current circumstances are a reflection of a pattern in their life and until they identify that pattern they are doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes with men. While break ups can cause immense heartache and pain it’s also a time to reflect and put things into perspective. What did you bring to the table, how did you contribute to the demise of the relationship? What characteristics do you look for in the opposite sex? Are those traits leading you to the same kind of man every time?

We all carry baggage and insecurities from our past which impacts future close relationships. That's why why we need to look at ourselves first before rushing into a new relationship. Our experiences shape us into the individuals we are today. This then influences who we pick as a partner. What we don’t realise is that often we pick partners that help us stay within our comfort zone. We seek what’s familiar to us. I.e. if our past is filled with quick attachments we might go on to seek that same situation in our relationships.

Not everyone repeats this pattern however there are many unconscious factors that we are unaware of when in search of a partner.  We don’t go out deliberately looking for rubbish but there are behaviours/ patterns innate within us leading us to make decisions instinctively.

To conclude you can’t love the same type of man/ women over and over again and expect different results. The better we understand ourselves, the better we’ll be at choosing a partner who supports us just as we support them.

Do you know your relationship pattern?

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