Tuesday, May 24, 2011

He's Just Not That Into You

I assume you’ve all heard of /watched the 2009 film 'He's Just Not That Into You'. I couldn't help but see what all the fuss was about. I was intrigued by the excuses women, me included make for men and I wanted an insight into men act the way they do. Whilst the film was okay the self-titled book is where the real understanding lies. It's an entertaining guide on how to interpret men penned by the writers of Sex In The City. It makes clear why the man you’re waiting for may not be worth the wait or all your excuses. The bonus being it’s from a male’s perspective with many quotes including 'men don't want to tell women when they're not interested -- and women don't want to hear it anyway' and 'When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be'. Women take note!

Why do why we convince ourselves of something different when the plain facts are staring us in the face. I.e. when a man says he doesn't want a relationship yet we think we know him better than himself. Greg (the author) says it better 'Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. 'I don't want to be in a serious relationship' truly means 'I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you' or 'I'm not sure that you’re the one'. How many times have we heard this statement and tried to interpret it as something else? Don’t be in denial if a man is open enough to tell you what he wants....listen to him!!! Some people aren't great on the communication front so be grateful he’s talking providing he’s telling the truth of course.

According to Greg if a man likes you he WILL ask you out. He states that men for the most part like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you? Ive heard this theory time and time again, not sure if I’m convinced in this day and age. We think that if we maybe tame it down a bit, act more interested, flirt more often it may push a man to ask you out. He could be shy right? Not according to Greg 'you seem to think at times that we're too shy or we just got out of something’. I won’t be using that excuse again. I understand it can't be easy and some women can be mighty intimidating. However I do believe if you really want something you'll feel the fear and do it anyway.

'If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you'. Well they say the truth hurts. I briefly dated a man who was married to his job....literally. He'd squeeze me into his busy schedule when he saw/felt fit. I saw him maybe 2-3 hours a week. I was never satisfied or happy with this situation but I convinced myself that if I waited around patiently, he'd realize that he wanted to see me more often. I mean there’s only so much moaning I can do right? Upon reading that sentence back I realized how poor it sounds. The fact is he led me to believe he could be something that he wasn’t. He created an array of expectations and didn’t follow through. Nothing worse than being disappointed, unfortunately life is a journey full of them. However if your partner is constantly letting you down maybe he's just not that into you.

Another example is the men who constantly keep you waiting by the phone. The ones that state they'll call you at a certain time and never do. Now if you profess that you'll call me at 8pm I'm not expecting you to call me at 8 on the dot but I'm not expecting you to call two days later either. Yes there's always the unexpected situation that can arise but if it happens on a regular basis then Houston we have a problem. This is the man that apparently likes you. Surely he'd want to hear your voice, not fob you off with I'll call you later and not follow through. 

A friend of mine always questions why men promise to do things and don't follow through as if they've got a gun to their head. According to Greg...'most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. It doesn't take a genius to know that the ones that mean it will follow through. Unfortunately if he's not calling you, it's because you’re not on his mind'. It sounds very blunt but it's better that you find these things out now than be in denial. I think we've forgotten that actions speak louder than words and it’s time to stop letting the baby/honeys and the other sweet words fool you. As sometimes that’s all they are…words. Men know what we want to hear and some know how to lay it thick. Nothing wrong with flirting and accepting the compliment just be aware of what you want and whether you’re both on the same playing field.

I'm not suggesting you take everything a man says literally but there comes a point when you have to stop making excuses for them. Why stay in dating limbo? There’s nothing worse than not knowing where you stand. Apart from making you unhappy it's damn frustrating arrrgh! If the so called relationship is causing you more distress than good then maybe he's just not that into you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Have You Let Go Of Your Ex-Partner?

Break-ups are never easy. Some days are better than others and just when you think you've moved on something happens to trigger your emotions. You find that after going cold turkey for so long you’re still pining over your ex partner. I know this feeling all too well. When past relationship’s have come to an end but I'm still yearning for what we had. Wishing we could commence where we left off even if the relationship was more damaging than good. If you’re feeling this way the chances are you may not be over your ex.

Its funny how we miss all the lovely things our exes did but conveniently forget what we disliked. Those irritable traits that drove you mad. All the hurt, wrong doings, why that person wasn't right for you gets swept under the carpet. We tend to overlook these things over time, especially when lonely. Or we try and convince ourselves that the relationship wasn't so bad. That maybe you were happy after all. It’s important to remember that the relationship ended for a reason. I’m not suggesting you constantly focus on the negatives but don’t delude yourself into thinking things were better than they were.

One of the main reasons we struggle to let go is because we feel that our ex partner is there to meet our needs. Whilst in a relationship those needs are being met (to a degree) and once the partner ship ends we feel lost. How many times have you decided to go your separate ways only to regret the decision? We forget that the person wasn’t meeting enough of our requirements hence why the relationship is no more. We often feel disappointed because things didn’t pan out as hoped. No doubt the same things you were looking for in them they were looking for in you. The result is that you feel let down.

There’s nothing wrong with these thoughts, it's natural. There is a problem if you’re in a new relationship and your constantly comparing. Just a thought or mention of their name gets you angry, or you split with your partner a long, long time ago. As there comes a point where you need to move on. I read an article about letting go recently. It stated that most time we miss certain elements, whether it’s affection, encouragement or strength. These elements are YOUR needs and you’re probably trying to find someone else to meet them. The truth is that these needs are actually within us. I feel we become dependent on our exes without realising.
I've heard time and time again that you need to let go of past hurts before someone new can enter your life. You have to be honest with yourself and get to the root of why you’re still harbouring feelings. Whilst your ex-partner may have messed up, you have to let it go and use it as time to reflect on yourself and get ready for future relationships. It's more than declaring that your over your ex it’s closing the door emotionally. This is why it's difficult to let go as out hurt comes in many layers and may take years to get over. Have you let go of your ex partner? 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Truth Behind Flirting?

Do you consider yourself a flirt, if so what type are you? According to a report there are 5 five style’s of flirting:-

Physical: These often develop relationships quickly, have more sexual chemistry and have a greater emotional connection to partners.
Traditional: These believe men should make the first move and women should not pursue men. Both sexes tend to be introverted.
Polite: Less likely to approach a potential partner; aren't flattered by flirting, but do tend to have meaningful relationships.
Sincere: Strong emotional connections and sexual chemistry; relationships are typically meaningful.
Playful: These often flirt with little interest in a long-term romance; find flirting fun and enhancing to self-esteem.

Do people flirt because they see it as a game? Maybe it’s considered a way of being ‘friendly’, a bit of harmless fun? Is it possible for a person to not know their acting a certain way? These questions arose when a friend and I tried to define flirting and why people do it. I've been called a flirt yet I wouldn’t consider myself flirtatious. Of course I can switch the flirtation button on when ready, but I wouldn’t class responding to a guy with a giggle as flirting. I guess this is where problems arise as everyone’s got their own definition of what flirting is.

Flirting isn’t always the overt behaviour people assume i.e. a wink, hand lingering on body parts or holding of the gaze. It’s become a lot more subtle with everyday gestures; throw away comments, come and get me stance, eye movements, responses, body language and weak smile.

There are a number of reasons why people flirt. 
  1. It's what they naturally do (before you start to roll your eyes) it’s true. Some people are naturally flirtatious, overtly friendly what ever you want to call it. Flirting is a part of every day communication; some cultures rely on it more heavily than others.  It becomes second nature. 
  2. Some people flirt due to lack of attention. If you’re not being shown much interest at home, that woman/man complimenting your daily attire can’t help but boost your confidence. If you’re single you may flirt on a daily basis to get noticed. We’re all receptive to compliments even if we don’t receive them well. We’re beaming inside really. Plus you may find yourself a partner in the process.
  3. To see if you’re still desirable. How many times have men/women flirted and it stops right there? Yes there may be an obvious attraction but it never goes any further than flirting and your both single. Some people do it just to see if they’ve still got it. 
  4. Curiosity not necessarily for a new relationship, but just curious about the individual. To see how far this flirting (game) can go without stepping over the boundaries. Flirting "is a way of testing one's mate-value and the possibility of alternatives (Arthur Aaron Proff of Psychology).
  5. Some people flirt out of nervousness especially when in uncomfortable settings.
I assumed that if a guy flirted with me they were interested in dating or were considering the beginning stages of relationship. I couldn't have been more wrong! People can flirt outrageously without intending anything. It doesn’t always mean they want anything from you, their just flirting. Testing the waters, seeing how far they can go. Gauging how open you’re willing to become. Flirting opens a window of potential and the outcome is not a definite yes or no. The sooner you learn this, the better.

Men in committed relationships tend to flirt with me more then the singletons. I always wondered why they felt a need to flirt so often. Not that they’ve took it any further, does this make it right? Is flirting only acceptable when you’re single? Is it a no, no once you walk down the aisle? Is flirting only intentional once you move into the verbal phase? I’ll never know the full ins and outs of flirting as the reasoning behind it is different for each individual. Thoughts! 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Independent Women Part 1

All the women, independent, throw your hands up at me. This was the anthem during the year 2000. While this is some women’s motto all day err day. It doesn't always sit well when it comes to relationships. Most men will agree that independent women are attractive and it can be an attribute that will push a man to date you. Of course men like independent women ……to a point! Let’s not forget Neyo’s ‘Miss Independent’.

Nothing’s more appealing than a woman who’s capable of looking after her self but not so much that she doesn’t need a man. If your one of those women who takes out the garbage, fixes the broken washing machine and can even kill a rat. (I think my Nan falls into the latter category). You may indirectly be saying that you don’t need a partner. If you're already in a relationship you could be pushing him away and killing his ego in the process. I admit I’m quite a dab hand when it comes to DIY. I more or less transformed my whole flat alone. Oh the over whelming sense of achievement I felt upon completion. However I draw the line when it comes to anything car related. Why struggle to do everything by yourself if you have someone that’s willing to help you? Shoot let him kill the spider every once in a while.

Men like/need to feel wanted! They want to be taken care of just like us ladies. They want to believe they can do things that no one else can. If there’s nothing left for your partner to do then where does he fit in? What role does he play? I wonder that while some women are caught up with being ‘independent’ that they forget the needs of their men. They’re so devoted to being there own person that she may never be part of a tight knit-duo. Men like to provide this is a recurring them in Steve Harvey’s ‘Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man’. So please don’t take the privilege away from him! Yet they don’t want a woman who’s clingy, needy and over dependent. If you have a man that gravitates towards this then he may have a case of the hero syndrome (future post).

I was Queen Miss Independent and I’m pretty sure a previous ex felt like I didn’t need him. When ever he offered to help me financially, give advice, offer to buy gifts. I’d shut him down….ouch rejection. Not realising that we were in a ‘supposed’ partnership. Maybe my resilient attitude contributed to the break down of our relationship? My pride was the third person that reared its ugly head time and time again. If you can’t ask/receive help from your boyfriend then what’s the point?  
I think the problem is that some women have misconstrued the phrase independent. They use it as an excuse to be harsh, abrasive, rude and dominating. A real independent woman will show signs of vulnerability and an ability to ask for help without seeing it as an act of weakness. There’s nothing wrong with being independent, it’s when you make your partner feel that you can do it ALL without him that causes the problem. 
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