Tuesday, July 26, 2011

5 Reasons Women Shouldn't Rush Dating.

I read a great post on 'Hello Beautiful' about how women rush the dating process. So I thought I'd touch on it this week and give my 2 pence worth. We're all supposed to enjoy 'dating' however I feel women rush the process in the aims of locking down a relationship and walking up the aisle. This is normally down to loneliness, a need to settle down and throw around the title I'm spoken for and the feeling that good men are hard to find. After a few initial dates women are quick to claim this man would be an ideal partner. How can we form this conclusion after only spending a few hours with them? We're in such a rush to move things along that we don't always get to know a person properly. Here are 5 reasons you shouldn't rush dating.

1. Take Time To Get to Know Him.
I can't stress how important it is to get to know someone as best as possible. You’ll never know someone fully but you can get as close as possible. I'd go as far as to suggest holding out on intimacy, if you can. It’s way too easy for us to paint a perfect picture whilst dating. We get up caught up in the hype and forget that whilst having fun we are trying to gauge what this person is like. I believe a person’s true colours will emerge within 3 months of getting to know someone. How do they react to disappointments, what are they like when angry? These are just a few things you need to know before starting a relationship with someone. You can't determine them after dating someone a handful of times. Take. Your. Time!

2. Don't Ignore The Warning Signs.
This is sooo important. I've discussed intuition on several occasions and its one thing you should never ignore. We let our emotions cloud what’s right in front of us. We're so determined to lock this man down that we don't listen to what he's saying. I.e. I’m not looking for anything serious right now or I don’t trust women. His actions/words may be beyond shady but because your trying to rush the dating process your ignore what’s going on. I met a guy who didn't have any friends....WARNING SIGN, couldn't control his temper....WARNING SIGN and lied habitually....DANGER.....WARNING SIGN. The fact is I could have got sucked in big time if I didn't keep my wits about me. If I was desperate for love/ a relationship I may have ignored the above and convinced myself that we could live happily ever after. Unfortunately this is what some women do and end up in doomed relationships. We can’t guarantee the outcome but you can get as many facts as possible to confirm whether it’s something you want to get into.

3. Build A Friendship First.
We've heard time and time again that the basis of a good relationship is a good friendship. Wouldn't it be great if you could have a partner like your best buddy? I often joke with my girl friend that she would be a perfect partner if she were a dude. A good friendship usually consist of communication, give and take, respect, honesty and trust. This is why I refereed to a lack of intimacy in point 1 as it speeds up the process. It prevents people building friendship first. Whilst the sex may be great you may find that without it you don’t share anything in common. Some people rush into sex and then try and base their relationships around it. It takes more than having a few things in common.

4. Don't Scare Him Away.
You know how it is when we really want something. It's not just our words that validate it but our actions. We sometimes come across desperate without realising it. Men often know what you want without you having to say anything. If you’re desperate for a relationship I guarantee the man you're dating will pick up on this sooner or later. This can be a bit off putting and you may end up pushing the guy (you’ve already set up in your mind your going to marry) your dating away. No one wants to like to feel they’ve been pressured into something.

5. Have Fun And Enjoy The Moment.
I was having a discussion recently and it seems men and women view dating very differently. Men are more likely to date for fun whilst women are there to find their perfect match. The date your on doesn't have to lead to a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know people and having fun. So if a guy asks you out don’t start compiling your check list just yet. Go with an open mind and enjoy the date. When your relaxed and having fun a guy will pick up on your happy vibes and will enjoy your company more.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Is It Ever Okay To Snoop Through Your Partners Things?

Everyone at some stage of their life has snooped through their partners things. Whether it’s flicking through papers on the desk to checking their emails, we've all done it or at least thought about it. It’s the thrill of finding out something new about your partner and with so much technology out there the options are endless.

There are different levels of snooping, from going through a person’s Blackberry/I phone, checking their voicemail to fall out stalking. Snooping however can be detrimental to you, your partner and your relationship because communication breaks down and often the person being snooped on can sense something is off. Trust is clearly broken; once you start you may not be able to stop and it shows a lack of respect for the other person’s privacy.

Snooping generally isn’t good for any relationship although it can save people from further heart ache when dishonesty is involved. I’ve snooped through previous partners things. Sometimes out of sheer curiosity, nosiness what ever you want to call it. Other times my insecurity got the best of me and led to shocking results.

My partner at the time seemed decent and things were going okay. However I guess boredom, familiarity started to kick in and he started getting late night phone calls/ texts…..nuh-uh. I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure men don't have full blown conversations with other men via text. The underlying issue was that something felt off. I expressed my concerns and disapproval to a wall of silence and denial but things didn’t change. One night whilst he was out the room I looked through his phone and found he'd been texting an associate of mine.

Although my snooping was an invasion of his privacy it seemed my intuition was right. Snooping on this occasion saved me further embarrassment and heart ache. I don’t for any second feel that what I did was right and vowed to never do it again. However if I hadn’t snooped I wouldn’t have discovered what had been going on. Our relationship was damaged, communication was way off and clearly I didn’t trust him. I wasn’t confident in what we had. When you snoop you have to get to the root of the problem. You have to be honest with yourself about why you’re doing it.

Sometimes we snoop because we think our partner is being unfaithful, sometimes it’s for other reasons. If you find yourself looking through your partners Facebook messages you probably need to reassess your relationship. Is there a lack of trust or are you insecure about their feelings for you? Snooping avoids real intimacy and being honest enough to share your concerns with your partner. Regardless the reasons snooping is bad news, something I learnt the hard way. Is your desire to snoop really about your partner or issues that your dealing with within yourself. What ever the reason think twice before snooping, most time it’s not worth it and you’ll always find out something you wish you hadn’t.

Monday, July 11, 2011

8 Secrets That Men Keep

Have you ever wondered what goes on in a mans head? What he really thinks of your new hair cut? Does he like excessive Public Displays of Affection? We'll never know what men are thinking unless they're honest enough to express their feelings. Rich Santos kindly offered an insight of secrets that men keep . Below are a few golden nuggets from his two piece article.

1. Sometimes Timing Is More Important Than You Are. It's all about what's going on in a guys mind and life when they run into you. Regardless of how great you are, your both single, ambitious, like minded etc. If the timings bad you can't force a guy to date you. If a guys not ready to date....he's not ready to date. Once a guy has got everything else together in his life then he may be ready to take it to the next level with you.

2. Men Are Sensitive About Their Weight. I felt a surge of relief when I read this. I was talking to a work colleague who said that he felt guilty if he doesn't go to the gym. Regardless of your sex the older you get the harder it is too shift that excess weight. Unless your blessed with a fast metabolism. Men worry about their weight just like we do and hate to think that their clothes don't fit them properly. I just think their less vocal about it. Women worry about their stomachs, hips and thighs, men worry about moobs and their bellies. Men are just as sensitive when you tell them they've put on weight they just conceal their feelings better.

3. They Say They'll Call Even If They Don't Mean It. The 'I'll call you later' line seems to be second nature to men. It's the obvious thing to say before goodbye it seems. Men say what they think we want to hear plus it sounds nice. At that very moment most guys probably do have the intention to call but things get in the way, or they simply forget. Sometimes they don't feel like calling after a few hours have passed. While I believe it's better to not say nothing at all, men will still end a conversation with I'll call you later.....oh well.

4. Heavy Make Up Is A Turn Off. I've had male friends ask me what I've got on my face, when it's quite obvious it's make up. This was their indirect way of saying I don't lie your make-up. I guarantee the majority of men prefer a natural look than a heavily made up face. They don't take too well to garish colours, excessive application or a botched attempt at a good make up technique i.e. a smoky eye that's gone terribly wrong. Less is more ladies. No one wants the embarrassment of hugging a guy to find that you've left your foundation on his shirt.....ooops!

5. Men put pressure on themselves to get married. Where women feel pressure because of their biological clock, men feel it in a different sense. They fear their appearance and their A game (lines, tactics) fading the older they get. No one wants to be left on the shelf, don't let these men fool you. When all his male friends are married of course that guy will wonder what's wrong. When am I going to settle down and find me a wifey? While men are spoiled for choice in the women department, finding that one lady that you hope to spend the rest of your life with can be quite challenging.

6. Leave your baggage at the door. Now we all have issues that we're constantly working on. However no man wants to be constantly punished for the wrongs your ex made. Guys don't mind helping their girlfriends out with emotional issue but if it's apparent too early in the relationship you may find him running for the hills.

7. (Some) Men Are Afraid Of Commitment. Commitment to some men means that the woman they have settled down with is perfect and there is no one else out there for them. They have found their soul mate and are completely secure within themselves. Now it may sound nice on paper but to some guys that is pretty heavy stuff. Commitment is a sign of maturity and it takes some men longer than others to get to this place.

8. They Pretend To Listen. Some of us can talk for England when we're ready but men tend to switch off after a certain point and they use a number of methods to make you believe they're listening. I.e. The nod, the eye contact manoeuvre, repeating your last sentence and the carefully timed question that relates to the last 5 words you said. Men like you to get to the point and after a while your voice just sounds like white noise. As Rich Santos said you need to have intro, a middle and an end.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

You Can't Help Who You Love!

Do we put too much pressure on women to leave their husbands? Maybe we impose a set of high standards that none of us can guarantee we'd follow ourselves if we were put in the same situation. Footballers are  endlessly splattered in the press for their extra marital affairs. I admit when I heard the latest shenanigans with Ryan Giggs my first thought was that his wife will surely leave him now? Of course there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth and the majority of us have only heard her side thus far. None the less I was quick to formulate an opinion on the subject and vowed if it was me I'd be out the door. Once the trust is broken it can be quite a challenge to fix it especially if my partner keeps falling at the same hurdle.

I had a discussion at work with a female colleague and she made me reflect on how quick we are to judge the Wives And Girlfriends. Coolen Rooney, Toni Terry and Abbey Clancy all stood by their men. They took their vows seriously...for better or worse. I mentioned that surely you'd kick your man to the kerb if it was you. Her response was that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There's a lot more to these stories than we see/hear. I guess she has a point.

A friend of mine mentioned that the lifestyle they become accustomed too is addictive. To lead a semi normal life after a divorce from a high profile footballer must take some serious adjustment. Not to mention it must be a tad lonely. I'm guessing they have a small tight knit circle of friends and even then you have to be weary of the people you allow in your life. Not everyone will be happy for you. They may not have to work a regular 9-5, although looking after children and a house can feel like a full time job within itself . My point is you become accustomed to this life, it becomes all you know. Your family, few friends (you can really trust ) and partner are you all have. Some women would rather stay with an unfaithful man then make a break and start over, add children to the mix and a it's a different ball game.

The latest news is that Cheryl Cole has rekindled the romance with her ex husband. I can't say I'm surprised and I guess it's none of my business really. Each person has to decide for themselves what truly makes them happy and for Cheryl, Ashley seems to be a ruling factor. Some would deem her foolish for giving it another go but only she can decide what's best for her. I don't believe Cheryl ever stopped loving her ex husband this was evident in the Piers Morgan interview she did last year.

I don't think she ever wanted a divorce but crumbled under the pressure of the media, her advisers, family and friends. Whilst they're looking out for her best interests she has to make the decisions for her self. Cheryl feels that Ashley is her soul mate, this is another stumbling block in the moving on process. She can't see herself with anyone else. I think she tried to convince herself she could do that with Derek (if they were ever in a relationship). The problem is that your constantly comparing that person. Trying to force yourself to be someone your not. Pretending to be happy when silently your thoughts drift off to your ex.

We know our emotions can over rule all logic. A guy I dated when in my teens was worse than Ashley Cole. I predict he's probably slept with the whole of the city. The fact is I stayed after the rumors. Stayed when I heard he'd slept with so and so. I went back when I found out he got a another girl pregnant. Why? because I thought I was in love, I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I didn't know there were men out there that would treat me ten times better. Even though the pain hurt so bad I convinced myself that I was his number one girl. That he'd change and settle down with me. The fact is my self worth was non existent back then and there comes a point when you have to say I'm not taking this ish no mo. Yes I felt stupid, weak and naive for staying with a man who clearly didn't respect me but I convinced myself it could work. There was a constant battle between my head and emotions and my emotions won every time hence why I stayed for so long. Fortunately my every move wasn't scrutinised by the press.

It gets harder the older you get, your less willing to take risks with your heart. The idea of endless dating trying to find the right match can be tiresome. It's so much easier to stick with what you know, can't beat comfort. Plus we tend to forget the hurt that this person caused, it's been so long that all you have to cling onto is the happy times, the fond memories, the laughter, the affection and you want it back with that person...cue Ashley Cole.

Does love conquer all? Surely Cheryl know Ashley better than we do. Doesn't she deserve happiness and if Ashely is a source of that who are we to criticise? If he does hurt her again that's a risk Cheryl is clearly willing to take. As she once sang you gotta fight for this love!
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