Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Top 5 Relationship Deal Breakers.

We're approaching a new year and most will be making a list of resolutions. A few of you may be thinking about your relationship deal breakers. I understand couples will have different opinions on certain things but some values need to tarry up. Here are some red flags that I can't over look.....

RUDENESS -Disrespectful to my friends and family. I know people have their differences but that doesn't call for being rude. It gives me a good indication of the way he treats his parents and friends. If he can't treat others the way he wants to be treated then see ya. I've got friends whose boyfriend I'll say hello to and they go down the route of selective hearing.

DISHONESTY - Now I understand people tell white lies from time to time. However there is a big difference between my favourite colour is blue and I manage my own company. I'm talking about compulsive lying! I don't understand why people do it? Sometimes it gets so bad that the person being dishonest can't differentiate lies from the truth. It indicates that your partner has no hesitation building up your expectations and constantly letting you down. I can honestly say it's horrible to be in a relationship without any trust. No trust means no relationship! 

MORE THAN 1 BABY MOTHER- I'm not trying to judge any guy that has several children with a number of women. Nevertheless I can't see myself with a man who has more than 1 baby mother, considering I don't have any children myself. I can't be dealing with Shenika calling the house stating that my partner can't see his child this weekend. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. I's not always as stereo typical as I just made out but I hate drama and try not to associate with it.

RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES - Considering I'm a Christian it would help if my partner was on the same page and shared the same religious beliefs. I don't necessarily want a man whose going to be preaching on the pulpit per se but we need to have the same values. As sooner or later we're going to approach some humps in the road. Whilst I'll be getting on my knees to pray my partner will say 'don't worry honey, fingers crossed'.

LACK OF COMMITMENT- There are several different elements when it comes to commitment. My main concern is when I'm with someone and we're not progressing. I once dated a guy who after 6 months still had not introduced me to any family members or work colleagues. They probably thought he was single for all I know. Although we went out (meals/drinks) I never got to test whether he'd introduce me as his 'girlfriend' or refer to me by name (always a good indication). He never professed it as Steve Harvey would say. He never included me in his talks about the future and never made time for me. I knew deep down it wasn't right but I hoped things would change.

What are some of your relationship deal breakers?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Can Men and Women be just friends?

This topic has come up a lot of late and I want to add my two pence. I believe a man and woman can be just friends. However there is always, always going to be a time when some one entertains the 'what if' thought? I sure have done. You know how it is. You and your man friend are conversing more often. The phone calls last longer. You feel more comfortable talking about certain things. The more you build up a rapor someones going to catch feelings. You can't pinpoint when it happens but your in this place of what do I do next?

I've been in this position and I kept schum each and every time. If I'd spoken up I'm not sure we'd have the platonic friendship we have now. Then again I may have gone on to form a good relationship, who knows?  I was too scared to say anything at the time. Plus rejection can hurt like a mofo. Upon reflection I'm glad we never crossed over to the more than friends zone as I could have potentially lost a good friend. I'm a firm believer of if it's meant to be it will be

Some people don't dwell on the implications of crossing over to the more than friends zone. Whilst others over think it and don't say anything. There is no right or wrong answer. I do however feel that IF you develop a relationship and things go wrong you rarely get that friendship back the way it was. This too me is the main reason that stops people confessing their true feelings. Plus the fact feelings may not be mutual. It's not often that you continue a good friendship with your ex never mind a once good friend. Being civil and having the odd conversation is not the same as friendship. On the flip side if your such good friends then surely you can be honest with each other no?

Men and women can be friends they just need to get over the hurdle of the physical/sexual attraction. This hurdle will pass but just because certain thoughts/feelings are buried it doesn't mean they've gone. You just need to pay attention for those comments that have a slight undertone or the hand that lingers on your arm for too long. Ladies you know what I mean. Yes I'm indirectly saying it's harder for the brothers. Men will usually be drawn to you from a physical attribute, that's just how it is. I also think men find it harder to control their sexual urges.

Your emotional state will play a role. You may be feeling low and vulnerable and your male friend is saying all the right things to make you feel better. This should not be mistaken for he would make the perfect boyfriend or friend with benefits (messy territory). Patience is important as over time you may realise those thoughts were just a phase. Knowing the boundaries/expectations of your friendship is also vital. I know of females that get jealous when their male friends go out with their friends or start a new relationship. This is when you are no longer in the friend zone. You can pretend all you want but friends don't get jealous.

Of course there are a number of different factors that come into play. These will determine whether you can be platonic friends. Was there an instant attraction when you met? Was the friendship initiated by flirting? The environment in which you meet? I know the majority of people have platonic friendships at work. I could go on and on about this subject but I'd rather hear some of your views.  Thoughts?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

This Is Me.

Whooh it's been a long time coming......I've been umming and arghing about launching this blog for a while now. I guess fear got the best of me as I was waiting for the perfect moment. There is no perfect moment!

I'm a lady who has a bit of experience about relationships. Whether it's been my own or simply listening to friends woes. I'm pretty sure I have an answer for every dilemma. Whether it's a cheating partner. Been there, done that, brought the t-shirt. Should you go back to your ex....again done that. If I haven't experienced it I sure know some one that has.

I've always been intrigued by love and not until recently did I feel that I've actually got something to offer on the subject. I love listening to and advising people and felt this blog would be the perfect platform for me to do this. Plus the fact that everybody and anybody seems to come to me with their concerns. 

I've recently gone back to University and am studying a Counselling Degree which specialises in Cognitive Behaviour. This looks at peoples thought patterns and how that affects their feelings. Once qualified I intend to focus on relationship counselling. Watch this space................

Everything that I post on here is merely my opinion and hopefully it can help some of you that need advice or are having relationship issues. 
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