Tuesday, January 25, 2011

8 Reasons Why He May Not Date You.

There have been a number of occasions when a guy has out right flirted with me, subtle touching, any excuse to get a hug, compliments galore you name it. We've even gone as far as exchange numbers/Blackberry pin (Oh how times have changed). So I assumed the next step would be a date. Slow down not necessarily. Here are 8 reasons why a guy may show an interest in you but won't ask you out.

1). We misread the signs
I hold my hands up whilst I claim to be the queen when it comes to discerning whether a guy likes my friends. Me on the other hand my radar vision gets a little fuzzy. Some guys are just simply polite and have that innate tendency to flirt. Whether it is for attention, ego boost or they just can't help themselves (side-eye) I don't know but that's all it is. Nothing more, nothing less....just flirting. I think us women sometimes mistake the flirting and attentive behaviour for he must really like me. Whilst some men may make eye contact, engage in small talk and or just be really attentive. Upon research this can be an indication of emotional maturity or good human relations skills. No need to start getting excited just yet.

2 He’s already in a relationship
I'm sure every woman's experienced this they just didn't realise it. I've had men flirt, only to reveal later that they are in a relationship (confused face). Dude why are you flirting with me then? I'd like to think that you'd find this fact out in the early stages of talking to someone. Then again some folks have a tendency to lie so you may get caught out on this one. Regardless the truth will come out sooner or later. 
A friend of mine told me about this guy who’s in a long term relationships yet entertains (flirts with) women left right and centre. He has no intention of dating them or getting physical. Why does he do this? Maybe this is his one seemingly harmless way of enjoying the variety of other women in a detached, non-threatening way. I'm not saying its right but this is what people do.

3. He Doesn't Know How You Feel
This was a recurring response after talking to the brothers. As one of my male friend stated it's sometimes hard to tell if she wants more. I think one of the biggest misconceptions us women have is that the guy must know we like him. This is not always the case. You may think that your flirting back or being friendly but he may be just as unsure about your feelings as you are about him.
There was a guy who I knew fancied me yet he didn't ask me out. I eventually said I would like to see you more often (my indirect way of stating I like you). We went on a few more dates after that but nothing really came out of it. I thought I was being pretty obvious with my tactful questions about his relationship status, hobbies, flirting, compliments, etc. Clearly I wasn't. I believe that the same way we females have that hazy uncertainty so do men. How do we avoid this? Be honest about your feelings. Yes I know easier said than done but it avoids any confusion. 
4) He Doesn't Like You That Way
He may be attracted too you physically but not emotionally. A quote from Alan Carter 'Some men will expresses a lot of curiosity in the way he asks questions, gives you his full attention, and keeps his eyes riveted on you. These behaviours are not an indication that the man is interested in dating you'.
I’ve been caught out with this one a few times. I've convinced myself that when a guy’s physically attracted to me that he must want to date me. Why else would he paying me so much attention? In retrospect I’ve learnt that just because he's attracted to you doesn’t mean he has feelings for you. He may just find you interesting, nice to look at, similar hobbies traits. This doesn't mean he wants a relationship.

5) He's Scared (Rejection)
I've mentioned this before and I'll say it again. Men get scared too ladies! Yes he may have feelings for you but it's not enough for him to ask you out. I believe that for a man to pursue you aggressively he has to be pretty sure that he stands a chance of winning you over. He may feel you are way out of his league. You don't feel highly enough for him (refer back to point 3). There are too many suitors vying for your attention as it is and he can't compete. It may be too much hassle for him to pursue you to be rejected. 

6) His Circumstances Aren't Great
We all go for peaks and troughs in our lives. He may have his own personal reasons that mean he can't get into any relationship right now. It's nothing personal. As Steve Harvey states, men are driven by who they are, what they do and how much they make.
If a man is not in a place emotionally, financially, etc. No matter how much he likes you I doubt he's going to take things to the next level. It'll be a lot simpler to let you pass.

7) He Can't Envision a Relationship with You
Yes you may share the same common interests but he can't see himself in a relationship with you. No matter how much you get along, share similar interests and have a mutual attraction. This guy may not be able to see a future with you. The way ladies envision whether they can see a meaningful relationship is the same for men. 

8) He Just Wants Sex 
Some people are happy with this set up and others aren't. I do believe that if you’re hoping for a relationship and you rush into intimacy you could be ending up for a fall. We've all heard the saying listen to what a man says. If he states he doesn't want to date at the moment. That usually means…..he doesn't want to date at the moment. Just because he'll have sex with you doesn't mean he's entertained the thought of a relationship. Don’t think that after being intimate it’s going to convince him that he wants to settle down. 

Are there any reasons I've missed? Thoughts?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

When Is It Too Soon To Remarry?

I can't imagine what it feels like to go through a divorce and I pray to God I never have to experience it. When it was announced that Katie Price was separating from her second husband I wasn't the least bit surprised. The pain of divorce must be hitting her hard. Especially as it’s her second time round and she’s yet to deal with the emotions she suffered with Mr Andre. 

I'm not going to divulge my opinion on Miss Price; how she lives her life is up to her. However I will say that underneath that hard persona she is hurting and no doubt embarrassed that her second marriage has ended this way. This leads me onto the title of this post. When is it too soon to remarry?

Statistics show that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. 75% of those divorcees will remarry and at least 60% of those remarriages will end in a re-divorce.

Why was Katie Prices marriage doomed from the get go? Because everyone could see that she remarried way too soon. I believe that Katie is still very much in love with Peter. She tries to deny this vehemently but her actions tell a different story. She is still reeling from her first divorce and hasn't had time to deal with those feelings. She used her new relationship with Alex to mask the pain which resulted in her never settling the ending of her first marriage.

Katie no doubt wanted to feel "loved" again. It's something that we all crave deep down. The security of marriage was appealing to her but she was never ready individually. The relationship wasn't ready because it was still immature. Add a step family to this already weak foundation and things typically will crumble within months. 

Alex and Katie wanted different things and had different opinions on what marriage is/should be. A friend of mine is going through a divorce and he stressed the importance of sharing the same values and knowing yourself before walking down the aisle. I wonder how many similar values Alex and Jordan shared and how well they got to know each other before making such a big commitment. From what I saw on their reality programme/ read in the media I got the sense Katie constantly compared Alex to Peter. Despite the fact they share children together Mr Andre was a constant ghost amongst marriage number two. Can you imagine how much Alex’s ego was continually bruised with comparisons of his wife’s previous husband? 

She didn't have time to reflect on the break down of her first marriage because she jumped straight into a new one. Did she look at her behaviour and how it may impact her future relationships. Even I fail to do this sometimes and I haven't even been married. We need to have a sense of self-awareness to avoid repeating the same mistakes. How many attitudes did Miss Price possibly take into her second marriage that she already had with Peter? 

I've read that you if you’re not in a place where you can be open about your fears and vulnerabilities then your marriage will face a rocky road. I don't think she let her guard down in fear of getting hurt again. She seems like such a tough cookie on screen and I feel she may be like that in real life. I believe that if you can't practice flexibility then you’re not ready for marriage. You need to be open to change and a lot of compromise. I didn't really get a sense of this when I saw the cameras rolling amongst the midst of their relationship.

Remarrying within a year of getting divorced doesn't make sense to me. You need to take the time during that first year to become comfortable with being single again. So that when you do meet your new partner you can take the time to get to know them properly. Add another year on top, all in all that's at least 2 years before you remarry. This gives you enough time to decide if this is just a traditional relationship that's nice for a time but won't last or if it is something you can build a life and a family around. I guess the real importance is not so much the time duration but where you are mentally and emotionally.

These are just my opinions. What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

5 Reasons It's Difficult To Be Friends With Your Ex

I'm not saying that you and your ex can never be friends but in the beginning stages its impossible and rare. Here are 5 reasons why....

1.     Intimacy Once you've been intimate with a person it's very hard to go back to being 'just friends'. Casual sex with someone you've been in a relationship with is looking for trouble. Intimacy with someone over a long period of time will only increase feelings including men. Why would this change because the title of girlfriend/boyfriend has gone? Just yesterday I was speaking to a male friend about the assumption that because women are more emotional it's always us that will get affected the most. I know there are men out there getting stung just as bad as females because of the friends with benefits situation. Friends with benefits only confuses the situation further. Comfort zone can also lead to danger zone.

2.     The Dumper A break up is never mutual! I don't get why people say that? I guarantee that one half of the couple would have continued to try to make things work. Even if they knew in their heart that you've come to the end of the road (cue Boyz II Men) they would have stuck it out. One person will always hold onto the idea of the relationship. More than likely the person whose been dumped. They may not admit it but I assure you this is the case. How can you have a friendship when feelings are still strong? This leads me to the next point.

3.     Feelings They don't change just because we're not together. Even if your partner cheated or was abusive. The anger you feel will disperse and the feelings will remain. I would always find it difficult to converse with an ex on the phone fresh off the back of a break-up. I became used to acting a certain way and answering the phone with 'Hey baby'....oh yeah I can't say that any more. You can no longer be as open and free as you used to be once the relationships ended. It all gets so messy. You find yourself questioning how you should act as we're now 'friends'. 

4.     Moving Forward Can you really move on with your life if that ex is still around? I say no simply because that person has emotional memories attached to them. Every time that person laughs or does certain mannerisms it's a reminder of what used to be. There's nothing worse than an innocent action of your ex being misinterpreted into maybe they still have feelings for me. The more time you spend with your ex sooner or later your guard will come down and you'll be back to square one. Hence the reason why a clean break is the best way forward. Yes it’s painful but in the long run it works. If I'm trying to remain friends with my ex it may mess up any new relationships. I'll end up insisting that they don't match up when really they're just not my ex. Someone is going to get hurt further because they've tried to convince themselves they can remain friends.

5.     Jealousy  We all know that feeling when our ex partner has moved on and found some one new. It can feel like your partner is leaving you behind and that the chapter has closed. You may feel their acting cold and didn't care much if they could move on so quickly. The last thing you want to hear when you and your ex converse is that they had a great evening with their beau. There will always be a level of secrecy as you can't be yourself. You now feel you have to take you exes feelings into consideration. Some people may feel like they can't go on and live their life in fear of not caring.  

I know there are number of reasons why you can be friends with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. However unless you had a really great friendship before you got together I think its difficult. I've always had to go cold turkey when my relationships ended. It's the only way I was able to move on with my life. Time has passed and if I bump into any of my ex boyfriends there's no animosity. We can have the rare phone conversation but does this mean we're friends? 

That's my opinion what are your thoughts? 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

How A Break-Up Affects Men.

For many females loosing a boyfriend hurts emotionally and mentally. I've spent many a night crying into my pillow, asking my friends why? Women hurt but trust me men do too. I always assumed that because he wasn't calling me every day. Or crying down the phone and looking down hearted when I bumped into him that he was fine....WRONG!!!

I've learned that some men have a delay when it comes to break-ups. Females will cry, cry and cry some more. We are getting the emotional heart ache out our system. We are releasing the pain by constantly sharing our experience. It helps that we tend to have a strong network around us, plus the fact that we love to talk. Men on the other hand will try to bury their feelings. They will distract themselves with any and everything. It's not that they don't have anyone to talk too. I just don't think they like to go to that place of discussing how they feel. Some men will sit on their emotions hoping it will go away. By this time women are slowly getting over the mourning process when the man has just started it.

A man's girlfriend is usually his main confidant. Yes he has family and friends but I doubt they will know half the things his woman does. He will lean and confide in her more than he realises. So when she's gone he feels a little lost and has no one to share those feelings with. Plus society has always portrayed that men have to be tough. Cry in public…..oh no. That's a sign of weakness. Another reason I feel that men struggle with their emotions. Men do feel pain they just deal with it differently.

Men tend to get angry and frustrated when a break-up has been initiated by the woman (depending on the reasons). Women tend to prepare themselves mentally for a split weeks if not months before the decision is made. For men it comes as a big shock. Although the lady in his life has probably been talking for weeks about the state of the relationship. They are oblivious to why such a harsh decision has been made. Hence the feeling of betrayal and why it sometimes takes them longer to get over a break-up.

Men like women don't like the hassle of starting again. They've invested all that time and effort into someone and now they've gone. We all get comfortable and like the fact that out other half's know us so well. No more first dates trying to impress each other. No more trying to hide your flaws, acting on your best behaviour. The whole dating and getting to know you process is just as long for men. It gets to a point when they just want to settle down and have someone to come home too. EVERY man wants this at some point in their life.

Just because your ex-boyfriend isn't knocking down your door, professing his undying love for you or dropping flowers off at your work place. The typical cliché scenes that are portrayed everyday in films. It does not mean he's not hurting. It's just as hard for men as it is for women to deal with a break-up.
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