Tuesday, January 11, 2011

5 Reasons It's Difficult To Be Friends With Your Ex

I'm not saying that you and your ex can never be friends but in the beginning stages its impossible and rare. Here are 5 reasons why....

1.     Intimacy Once you've been intimate with a person it's very hard to go back to being 'just friends'. Casual sex with someone you've been in a relationship with is looking for trouble. Intimacy with someone over a long period of time will only increase feelings including men. Why would this change because the title of girlfriend/boyfriend has gone? Just yesterday I was speaking to a male friend about the assumption that because women are more emotional it's always us that will get affected the most. I know there are men out there getting stung just as bad as females because of the friends with benefits situation. Friends with benefits only confuses the situation further. Comfort zone can also lead to danger zone.

2.     The Dumper A break up is never mutual! I don't get why people say that? I guarantee that one half of the couple would have continued to try to make things work. Even if they knew in their heart that you've come to the end of the road (cue Boyz II Men) they would have stuck it out. One person will always hold onto the idea of the relationship. More than likely the person whose been dumped. They may not admit it but I assure you this is the case. How can you have a friendship when feelings are still strong? This leads me to the next point.

3.     Feelings They don't change just because we're not together. Even if your partner cheated or was abusive. The anger you feel will disperse and the feelings will remain. I would always find it difficult to converse with an ex on the phone fresh off the back of a break-up. I became used to acting a certain way and answering the phone with 'Hey baby'....oh yeah I can't say that any more. You can no longer be as open and free as you used to be once the relationships ended. It all gets so messy. You find yourself questioning how you should act as we're now 'friends'. 

4.     Moving Forward Can you really move on with your life if that ex is still around? I say no simply because that person has emotional memories attached to them. Every time that person laughs or does certain mannerisms it's a reminder of what used to be. There's nothing worse than an innocent action of your ex being misinterpreted into maybe they still have feelings for me. The more time you spend with your ex sooner or later your guard will come down and you'll be back to square one. Hence the reason why a clean break is the best way forward. Yes it’s painful but in the long run it works. If I'm trying to remain friends with my ex it may mess up any new relationships. I'll end up insisting that they don't match up when really they're just not my ex. Someone is going to get hurt further because they've tried to convince themselves they can remain friends.

5.     Jealousy  We all know that feeling when our ex partner has moved on and found some one new. It can feel like your partner is leaving you behind and that the chapter has closed. You may feel their acting cold and didn't care much if they could move on so quickly. The last thing you want to hear when you and your ex converse is that they had a great evening with their beau. There will always be a level of secrecy as you can't be yourself. You now feel you have to take you exes feelings into consideration. Some people may feel like they can't go on and live their life in fear of not caring.  

I know there are number of reasons why you can be friends with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. However unless you had a really great friendship before you got together I think its difficult. I've always had to go cold turkey when my relationships ended. It's the only way I was able to move on with my life. Time has passed and if I bump into any of my ex boyfriends there's no animosity. We can have the rare phone conversation but does this mean we're friends? 

That's my opinion what are your thoughts? 


  1. I say 'Cold Turkey' all the way mate, you'll be thankful in the long run.

  2. I honestly believe that if you find it super easy to be friends with an ex...You where probably never really that serious (if im being blunt). i mean after all the stuff you’ve probably told each other and things shared it is pretty hard to now turn off an element of what you had. Unless you have kids or something I do not see any reason to have your ex girl as a friend


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