Tuesday, May 29, 2012

5 Reasons Why Men Don't Want To Get Married.

Due to popular belief society will have us believe that men are dragged down the altar kicking and screaming. Not all men think like this, some have always envisioned marriage and just wanted to wait for the right woman to come along. It could be that sudden light switch moment…ah-hah, I want to marry this woman. It could be a near death experience that pushes him up the aisle. I know a guy that proposed to his girlfriend after falling sick, it seems his illness pushed him to that next level of commitment.Then there’s those that have no desire to ever walk down the aisle.

Here are 5 reasons why some men don’t want to get married….

1. They can get sex without marriage. Society has changed big time and values have dropped. Some women use sex in the hope that it will persuade men to settle down and marry them. With more competition women feel sex is the ticket to get a man. We've all heard the saying ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free’. You've got to think about what you want/ are hoping to gain from a relationship. I know it seems like slim pickings but there are men out there that will stick around without any sex whilst dating. If they don’t and it’s something of importance to you then find a guy that will.

2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by living together rather than marrying. I know many couples that live together and it works well for them. It goes back to what you want out of your relationship and the importance of your principles. Some women wouldn’t dream of cohabiting before marriage. Men can get too comfortable with this set up and don’t see a need for marriage if you’re already living a ‘marital life’. If he’s not in that place mentally he won’t be ready for marriage. He may be thinking we already live together, share the car, have children. What’s getting married going to do/ change? Those cohabiting may find that you slide into marriage because it’s the obvious thing to do. Not because you want that next level of commitment. PS If you feel you need to test living together before marriage then maybe it's a sign your not ready for it?

3. You apply too much pressure. A lot of women spend too much time focusing on the nuptials and get carried away with the day itself. Women see commitment as the finish line in their lives. Some of us want to get married and we want to do it ASAP. Exerting pressure on your other half won’t help matters. It just causes headache and will make him resent having certain conversations. This kind of pressure can have the opposite effect and may have your man digging his heels in further. Ideally you would have discussed  the issue early on to see whether you share the same values and if marriage is something you BOTH foresee in the future.

4. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromisesMarriage is full of compromise and commitment like any relationship. It’s not 70/30 but 50/50 in which each half shares equally. Unfortunately some women get a bit of a power trip once the ring is on their finger. For some of us marriage brings a new level of expectations and they can come across indirectly in your words and behavior. Even the way you talk about marriage and the life after can be an indication of what you’re expecting from your partner. No man want's to feel like you’re going to try and change them.

5. They face few social pressures to get marriedThere’s less pressure on people to get married. The options are limitless allowing people to bide their time before making a decision. Some men feel they can afford to wait for the ‘perfect woman’, concentrate on their careers, save to buy a house or actively play the field.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

5 Reasons Women Stay In Bad Relationships.

I know both men and women are guilty of staying in bad relationships but this week I’m solely focusing on the ladies.  I’ve stayed in an unhealthy relationship resulting in a lack of respect, no mutual understanding, loneliness and low self-esteem. The bottom line is I wasn't happy anymore no matter how much I tried convincing myself and others that I was. It gets to a point when the relationship becomes draining emotionally and mentally and that can’t be good for either of you.

Here are 5 reasons women stay in bad relationships.

FEAR No one likes the fear of the unknown but some people struggle with it more than others. Once you’ve become dependent on each other it’s hard to leave that behind. Some women become reliant on their partners/ husbands financially and don’t want to part with the security even if the relationship is bad.

There are some women out there who’ve NEVER been single. When you’re used to constant attention/affection it can be difficult to be alone. Some women fear they won’t find another man and jump from relationship to relationship even if there not conducive.

LOVE is blind as Eve once sang. Sometimes when we’re in love we become so deluded with what’s going around us that we ignore what makes us happy and stay in unhealthy relationships. How many times have you overlooked the bad because of your love for someone? How many women get cheated on constantly but because they love their partner they stay although there’s no trust?

FAILURE I touched on this last week. No one likes that conversation, so how are things with so and so? We’re not together anymore…. *cue awkward silence*. We should never look at the ending of a relationship as a failure but a lot of people do. It can be particularly hard when families are involved, especially parents who put a lot of pressure on your relationship.

COMFORT many of us have stayed in a relationship due to comfort. The relationship may not have been the best (and don’t we all deserve the best, not perfect because perfect doesn't exist but the best you can have) but we settle because it’s comfortable and better than being alone. We tell ourselves that he’s not that bad and that it could be worse but the fact is you’re not happy. That’s a sign within itself.

NOT KNOWING WHATS OUT THERE. Some women have been with there partners since school and don’t know any different. I recall my first partner did nothing with me. I was a mere teenager at the time and didn’t know any better and thought this is as good as it gets. I thought the fact that he hardly called me was normal. That we never went to the cinema was okay, that we only discussed trivial things was cool. None of these things made me happy but I stayed longer than necessary. It’s not until I dated someone else that I realised what I’d been missing out on.  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye.

Ending a relationship is never easy. The fact that things have come to an end along with the upheaval of emotions makes it hard. Honesty is the best policy but it can be difficult trying to figure out a way to avoid a lot of damage. The majority of breakups involve one partner who isn't quite ready for the relationship to end. This only reinforces my assumption that no break up is amicable. It doesn't mean things always turn nasty but I doubt both parties wanted the relationship to end. 

I believe fear is the main reason individuals stay in unhealthy relationships. We hate the thought of being alone. Even when our mate no longer makes us happy and we've grown apart we'd rather stay within our comfort zone than face the unknown. Fear will keep us rooted in unhappy relationships longer than necessary and will prevent you from moving forward in life. 

People change, grow apart and life has its fair share of challenges. We often view the end of a relationship as a failure, I certainly have. In fact we shouldn’t look it at it this way because this person once made you happy (I hope they did). Everything you gained, the good and the bad was an experience. It helped you grow and shaped you into the person you've become. Life is about moving forward and sometimes that person you were romantically involved with isn’t part of the deal. There's so much personal growth off the back of a relationship ending but we are so distraught at the time we can’t see it.  It’s such a cliché saying but TIME is definitely a healer.

This leads me onto the point that people heal and move on at different rates. Have some consideration for your ex, especially if you’re the person ending the relationship. Remember you’ve had time to digest the relationship ending and just had to muster up the courage to vocalise your decision. You’re soon to be ex-partner may not be aware of your feelings and this news will hit them hard. A level of grieving and empathy is essential before acceptance and understanding can begin.

It's essential that you’re honest with yourself and your partner. What qualities are you looking for and what qualities can you provide. If these qualities aren't being met then you shouldn't compromise your happiness. Calling it a day is never easy but it’s essential that you be kind, clear and firm. Once you’ve made the decision act on it, delaying it will only cause further heart ache. 
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