This is a very touchy subject. I recently spotted a quote which said 'Of course you can date the ex-partner of your friends...the question should really be is it possible to keep your friend in the process?' I received a lot of mixed responses when I posed the question. There were the obstinate No’s to the why should you step in the way of love? Here are some issues that need considering if you’re thinking of dating your friends ex.
Why do you want to date them?
I think people sometimes get caught up with the fantasy of how their friend’s relationship looks. Although they don’t know what goes on behind closed doors romanticism takes over. They want what their friend have not necessarily their partner and can’t differentiate between the two. I think we’ve all done it at some point? I’ve looked at certain friends relationships and thought aw I’d like that. Maybe this is the problem? Or is it a merely a lust situation? Does this new relationship have potential?
What's your friendship like?
I guess this is the real question, how much do you value your friendship? I have some good friends who I can’t imagine having that conversation with. Hey me and (insert name) like each other and want to see whether this friendship could progress. Some of my friends are like family and it’s just not worth the drama it may bring to the table. I’d like to think that if you ever have to cross the dating the ex partner bridge that you can be upfront and honest about the situation. There’s nothing worse than your friend hearing through the grapevine about your activities.
What are the possible outcome/consequences of your decision?
Is this person worth potentially losing a friend ship over? This question should be at the forefront of your mind. The flip side is that both parties may have healed and moved on. You and your friends ex could go on to have a long fulfilling relationship. Even if you do receive your friend’s approval the fundamentals of your friendship will change!
What were the circumstances behind the relationship ending?
If your friend ended the relationship there’s more possibility of them being okay with the situation. However if they were dumped they may still be harbouring feelings of rejection, hurt or resentment. How long were they together? The longer the relationship the more memories, emotions attached. More importantly was their closure. If not, this will make thing difficult for all parties.
People are protective.
I think this applies more to men. I believe they are more territorial and have the mind set of I’ve dated her. She was mine….hands off. Even if you do get your friends consent there are certain emotions, baggage, memories that will undoubtedly be triggered the moment he/she see’s the ex with friend.
I’m not an advocate for people dating their friends ex partners. However things are never black and white. What are your thoughts?
Very interesting topic. It's a no-go area for me. And thats coming from someone who has been on either end of the spectrum.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part, as a man, there are certain exes I am willing to let my friends date. However, I do have certain exes that I still have ties to, talk to, had great relationships with - and the idea of a friend dating them would infuriate me. Great blog!
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