6 Signs Your Partners Scared Of Commitment

Many of us will have encountered meeting that special person who can’t seem to commit. I recollect an associate of mine, in his late forties who expressed a desire to get married but couldn't commit within his relationships. Does this sound familiar? While society portrays it’s mainly men that are commitment phobes, women struggle with this issue to. Ironically the person who fears a committed relationship is the one who craves it the most. Below are a few signs that indicate the person you’re dating is scared of taking the relationship to the next level. 

1. This person wants a relationship but also wants freedom and space. They're usually attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent types. The book 'He's Just Not That showed an example of a young woman that dated a guy that wouldn't make time for her. He led a busy lifestyle and would often squeeze her in-between work and meetings. Be wary of a person that wants 100% commitment from you but can’t give the same in return. This will only lead to frustration and resentment.

2. They don't tell anyone about you. I know you don't have to profess your relationship status to the world immediately, but there comes a point when you’re nearest and dearest should know. Some people are simply private while others want to portray that there single and ready to mingle. When you’re truly happy and secure within a new relationship you can't help but tell your best friend, a family member, somebody…anybody. If after a few months he/she hasn't told at least one person about you, be concerned. This could indicate that they don't want anyone to know you exist as they’re not sure of their feelings, they’re scared or simply keeping their options open.

3. They avoid going out with you and your friends. Your friends and family will offer up thoughts about your new beau with or without your consent. They’ll also be able to see red flags that you can’t due to the love goggles. If a person doesn’t want to commit, they won’t get too involved in your world i.e. hang out with friends, getting to know your hobbies and interests, etc. Doing so will indicate some form of attachment. Attachment doesn’t bode too well with commitment phobes.  Meeting family often forces a person into addressing how they really feel. There’ll always be that aunt/ father asking so what are your intentions? Cue awkward silence…..

4. Vague about their feelings. Some folks find it difficult problem conveying their feelings and come across vague and disconnected. If they can't acknowledge how they feel through words I’d like to think their actions will speak volumes. If you’re not seeing any concrete signs of progression then maybe they just don’t care enough about you. You know within yourself when something feels a bit off. Even if you’re not ready for children, marriage or living together you should know whether you want this person in your life and whether you can be there for them wholeheartedly not when it suits you.

5. They wont allow the relationship to go and don't have any intentions of doing so. I consider this as having your cake and eating it. In other words it’s selfish, because you’re constantly putting your needs before your partners. You can’t commit to the relationship but won’t let the other person go. If you know you can’t give your other half what they want why string them along and let them fall deeper in love with you? Be wary of this as it’s all a form of control. I’ve had friends say they were optimistic and felt they could give more of themselves to the person when in reality they couldn’t. Yet they had no intention of getting out of the relationship. No one wants to be alone but its better for both parties if you just be honest.

6. They hate planning ahead because that means commitment. There was a time when I dated a guy that would not commit to any plans. The simplest proposals of going to the cinema or dinner were always greeted with I’ll let you know. Huh?!?! A simple yes or no would have suited me fine at least that way I would have known where I stood. These were all excuses he’d use because he didn’t want to go out with me. Do not be fooled by inconsistent behaviour and don’t make excuses for it. If the person you’re with constantly blows hot and cold and has you questioning whether you’re dating two different people I suggest you reflect on what’s keeping you there in the first place.

These aren't definitive guidelines but points to be aware of. Some men/ women will display bad behaviour so that you have no choice but to leave. The end result…no commitment! Then you’re left with the guilt of ending the relationship. Take the time to get to know a person, LISTEN to the words they use on a daily basis. If you choose to continue a relationship with someone who displays non committal behaviour it’s at your own risk. You’ll eventually get to a point where the good memories are replaced with bitterness.

Is Social Networking Bad For Relationships?.

Whilst on Twitter last week somebody posed the question, would you follow your partner on networking sites? They were inundated with responses with the overall answer being no. This led me to question whether social networking is bad for relationships. I’d like to think that if your relationship is secure, communication is on point and there’s no trust issues that social networking shouldn’t cause any problems. Of course it all depends on the individuals and whether both or one party engages in social networking. I believe it can lead to problems because…

People sometimes pretend to be something their not. It’s easy to do and very rarely leads to repercussions. I for one don’t check the validity of pictures, status updates etc. However after watching Catfish I’m a bit sceptical. How many people have stated their single only to later find out their married, what the hail? If you’re dating/ in a relationship and your partner isn’t on FB/ Twitter then your free to poke who ever you want, engage in all types of conversations and like pictures of the opposite sex. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my other half constantly liking females profile pictures....I’m just saying!

It allows people to see what you are doing ALL the time. Not everybody is comfortable with this. I’ve found out what friends are doing before they’ve had a chance to tell me thanks too Twitter and FB. Some people don’t think twice before updating their status. Let’s not forget it can be addictive and very distracting. The amount of times I’ve said I’m going to pop on FB for a few minutes. Next thing I know those minutes have turned to hours. If your partner hasn’t jumped on the social network bandwagon they may not understand why you spend so much time glued to your computer screen.

Another problem with social networking is that updates can be vague leading to various interpretations. What you deem innocent can set off a chain of emotions and paranoia to your girl/ boy friend. It’s tricky trying to determine the meaning of a cryptic tweet or FB update. It's always going to be interpreted in some way and it's not always positive.

FB and Twitter can expose strangers to your love life depending on how much information you choose too share. Not everyone is at ease with the whole world knowing the ins and outs of their relationship. Yes there are privacy settings but every time you tweet or update your FB status everyone on your timeline can see it. Some people love to snoop and are gaining information on your love life on a daily basis. Of course this isn't a negative thing. There's nothing wrong with professing you love to the world. I’m just a private person and choose not to disclose that kind of information on the web.

Everybody monitors each others behaviour. This isn’t always down to insecurities, we’re human and natural instinct is to be curious to see what others are doing including your partner. The downside of this is that it can fuel jealousy. You may not talk about your partner enough; you may not have changed your status to in a relationship. You may still converse with your ex partner, the list is endless.

I’m not suggesting you can’t have a successful relationship whilst using social networks. Like anything you’ve both got to communicate how much information your willing to share. Know each others boundaries and have a mutual respect for one another. If you have to second guess your activities whilst social networking then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

Friends With Benefits.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis star in the upcoming film ‘Friends with Benefits’. The storyline follows two friends whose relationship gets complicated when they decide to add intimacy to the mix. Casual relationships are usually based on physical intimacy; at least they start off that way. Both male and female will have had the discussion that they’re not looking for a relationship for what ever reason known to them. The truth is that whilst being intimate there are some emotional needs being met. I’ve heard both men and women say they feel more open after being intimate with someone. The more frequently you have sex with your ‘friend’ the more emotionally attached you become. Kind of ironic considering friends with benefits aren’t usually associated with emotional attachment.

Both male and female often convince themselves they’re happy in a casual relationship. That they can control their emotions and feelings, that they won’t get in too deep and can get out when ever they want. I think this is rarely the case. Some people go on to stay in casual relationships for years on end. What they thought they wanted has changed and the intimacy they crave has become a drug. 

I think women tend to get the short straw in these situations, only because we view sex differently to men. Our emotions become involved and we start to make decisions based on feelings. Some most women will entertain the thought of having a relationship with a man after being intimate (men do it too but I don’t think they dwell on it as much). It's usually for the wrong reasons as they’ve shared something special and may have convinced themselves that he could be a good partner. I've stated in past posts that a guy knows from the get go whether he wants a relationship with you or not. Many women stay in the friends with benefits zone hoping the male will eventually come to the realisation that they now want a relationship.

My friend shared his views on casual relationships. He stated that it’s a nice feeling (sex) that this woman gives me. It doesn’t mean I want a relationship with her she just makes me feel good. He stated that it’s easy; no strings attached and can often become addictive. He also mentioned that men like women sometimes confuse their feelings when it comes to sex.

I don’t believe both parties are ever really happy with this set up. It may start off fun but further down the line someone’s going to get hurt. They'll always want more than the other person can give them. Let's not forget that as its casual people are open to sleep with multiple partners. This doesn't tend to go down too well but you both agreed in the beginning stages that this is what you both wanted. Pride comes into play as you don't want to seem like the one that got sucked in and caught feelings. Communication breaks down because you stop being honest about how you really feel.

It must be conflicting for a guy to see the woman he’s having a casual relationship craving more than he can give her. Some would say he’s selfish, he can’t give her what he wants so why is he still sleeping with her. Others would argue if it’s causing that much emotional distress then the woman should put her foot down and break out of this vicious cycle.

I don’t believe friends with benefits ever work. Deep down one person is unsatisfied with the situation. If you can be intimate with someone on that level then surely you can have a relationship with them no?

Is It Ever Okay To Date Your Friends Ex Partner?

This is a very touchy subject. I recently spotted a quote which said 'Of course you can date the ex-partner of your friends...the question should really be is it possible to keep your friend in the process?' I received a lot of mixed responses when I posed the question. There were the obstinate No’s to the why should you step in the way of love? Here are some issues that need considering if you’re thinking of dating your friends ex.

Why do you want to date them?

I think people sometimes get caught up with the fantasy of how their friend’s relationship looks. Although they don’t know what goes on behind closed doors romanticism takes over. They want what their friend have not necessarily their partner and can’t differentiate between the two. I think we’ve all done it at some point? I’ve looked at certain friends relationships and thought aw I’d like that. Maybe this is the problem? Or is it a merely a lust situation? Does this new relationship have potential?

What's your friendship like?

I guess this is the real question, how much do you value your friendship? I have some good friends who I can’t imagine having that conversation with. Hey me and (insert name) like each other and want to see whether this friendship could progress. Some of my friends are like family and it’s just not worth the drama it may bring to the table. I’d like to think that if you ever have to cross the dating the ex partner bridge that you can be upfront and honest about the situation. There’s nothing worse than your friend hearing through the grapevine about your activities.

What are the possible outcome/consequences of your decision?

Is this person worth potentially losing a friend ship over? This question should be at the forefront of your mind. The flip side is that both parties may have healed and moved on. You and your friends ex could go on to have a long fulfilling relationship. Even if you do receive your friend’s approval the fundamentals of your friendship will change!

What were the circumstances behind the relationship ending?

If your friend ended the relationship there’s more possibility of them being okay with the situation. However if they were dumped they may still be harbouring feelings of rejection, hurt or resentment. How long were they together? The longer the relationship the more memories, emotions attached. More importantly was their closure. If not, this will make thing difficult for all parties.

People are protective.

I think this applies more to men. I believe they are more territorial and have the mind set of I’ve dated her. She was mine….hands off. Even if you do get your friends consent there are certain emotions, baggage, memories that will undoubtedly be triggered the moment he/she see’s the ex with friend.

I’m not an advocate for people dating their friends ex partners. However things are never black and white. What are your thoughts?

5 Reasons It's Difficult To Be Friends With Your Ex

I'm not saying that you and your ex can never be friends but in the beginning stages its impossible and rare. Here are 5 reasons why....

1.     Intimacy Once you've been intimate with a person it's very hard to go back to being 'just friends'. Casual sex with someone you've been in a relationship with is looking for trouble. Intimacy with someone over a long period of time will only increase feelings including men. Why would this change because the title of girlfriend/boyfriend has gone? Just yesterday I was speaking to a male friend about the assumption that because women are more emotional it's always us that will get affected the most. I know there are men out there getting stung just as bad as females because of the friends with benefits situation. Friends with benefits only confuses the situation further. Comfort zone can also lead to danger zone.

2.     The Dumper A break up is never mutual! I don't get why people say that? I guarantee that one half of the couple would have continued to try to make things work. Even if they knew in their heart that you've come to the end of the road (cue Boyz II Men) they would have stuck it out. One person will always hold onto the idea of the relationship. More than likely the person whose been dumped. They may not admit it but I assure you this is the case. How can you have a friendship when feelings are still strong? This leads me to the next point.

3.     Feelings They don't change just because we're not together. Even if your partner cheated or was abusive. The anger you feel will disperse and the feelings will remain. I would always find it difficult to converse with an ex on the phone fresh off the back of a break-up. I became used to acting a certain way and answering the phone with 'Hey baby'....oh yeah I can't say that any more. You can no longer be as open and free as you used to be once the relationships ended. It all gets so messy. You find yourself questioning how you should act as we're now 'friends'. 

4.     Moving Forward Can you really move on with your life if that ex is still around? I say no simply because that person has emotional memories attached to them. Every time that person laughs or does certain mannerisms it's a reminder of what used to be. There's nothing worse than an innocent action of your ex being misinterpreted into maybe they still have feelings for me. The more time you spend with your ex sooner or later your guard will come down and you'll be back to square one. Hence the reason why a clean break is the best way forward. Yes it’s painful but in the long run it works. If I'm trying to remain friends with my ex it may mess up any new relationships. I'll end up insisting that they don't match up when really they're just not my ex. Someone is going to get hurt further because they've tried to convince themselves they can remain friends.

5.     Jealousy  We all know that feeling when our ex partner has moved on and found some one new. It can feel like your partner is leaving you behind and that the chapter has closed. You may feel their acting cold and didn't care much if they could move on so quickly. The last thing you want to hear when you and your ex converse is that they had a great evening with their beau. There will always be a level of secrecy as you can't be yourself. You now feel you have to take you exes feelings into consideration. Some people may feel like they can't go on and live their life in fear of not caring.  

I know there are number of reasons why you can be friends with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. However unless you had a really great friendship before you got together I think its difficult. I've always had to go cold turkey when my relationships ended. It's the only way I was able to move on with my life. Time has passed and if I bump into any of my ex boyfriends there's no animosity. We can have the rare phone conversation but does this mean we're friends? 

That's my opinion what are your thoughts? 

Can Men and Women be just friends?

This topic has come up a lot of late and I want to add my two pence. I believe a man and woman can be just friends. However there is always, always going to be a time when some one entertains the 'what if' thought? I sure have done. You know how it is. You and your man friend are conversing more often. The phone calls last longer. You feel more comfortable talking about certain things. The more you build up a rapor someones going to catch feelings. You can't pinpoint when it happens but your in this place of what do I do next?

I've been in this position and I kept schum each and every time. If I'd spoken up I'm not sure we'd have the platonic friendship we have now. Then again I may have gone on to form a good relationship, who knows?  I was too scared to say anything at the time. Plus rejection can hurt like a mofo. Upon reflection I'm glad we never crossed over to the more than friends zone as I could have potentially lost a good friend. I'm a firm believer of if it's meant to be it will be

Some people don't dwell on the implications of crossing over to the more than friends zone. Whilst others over think it and don't say anything. There is no right or wrong answer. I do however feel that IF you develop a relationship and things go wrong you rarely get that friendship back the way it was. This too me is the main reason that stops people confessing their true feelings. Plus the fact feelings may not be mutual. It's not often that you continue a good friendship with your ex never mind a once good friend. Being civil and having the odd conversation is not the same as friendship. On the flip side if your such good friends then surely you can be honest with each other no?

Men and women can be friends they just need to get over the hurdle of the physical/sexual attraction. This hurdle will pass but just because certain thoughts/feelings are buried it doesn't mean they've gone. You just need to pay attention for those comments that have a slight undertone or the hand that lingers on your arm for too long. Ladies you know what I mean. Yes I'm indirectly saying it's harder for the brothers. Men will usually be drawn to you from a physical attribute, that's just how it is. I also think men find it harder to control their sexual urges.

Your emotional state will play a role. You may be feeling low and vulnerable and your male friend is saying all the right things to make you feel better. This should not be mistaken for he would make the perfect boyfriend or friend with benefits (messy territory). Patience is important as over time you may realise those thoughts were just a phase. Knowing the boundaries/expectations of your friendship is also vital. I know of females that get jealous when their male friends go out with their friends or start a new relationship. This is when you are no longer in the friend zone. You can pretend all you want but friends don't get jealous.

Of course there are a number of different factors that come into play. These will determine whether you can be platonic friends. Was there an instant attraction when you met? Was the friendship initiated by flirting? The environment in which you meet? I know the majority of people have platonic friendships at work. I could go on and on about this subject but I'd rather hear some of your views.  Thoughts?