Is It Ever Okay To Snoop Through Your Partners Things?

Everyone at some stage of their life has snooped through their partners things. Whether it’s flicking through papers on the desk to checking their emails, we've all done it or at least thought about it. It’s the thrill of finding out something new about your partner and with so much technology out there the options are endless.

There are different levels of snooping, from going through a person’s Blackberry/I phone, checking their voicemail to fall out stalking. Snooping however can be detrimental to you, your partner and your relationship because communication breaks down and often the person being snooped on can sense something is off. Trust is clearly broken; once you start you may not be able to stop and it shows a lack of respect for the other person’s privacy.

Snooping generally isn’t good for any relationship although it can save people from further heart ache when dishonesty is involved. I’ve snooped through previous partners things. Sometimes out of sheer curiosity, nosiness what ever you want to call it. Other times my insecurity got the best of me and led to shocking results.

My partner at the time seemed decent and things were going okay. However I guess boredom, familiarity started to kick in and he started getting late night phone calls/ texts…..nuh-uh. I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure men don't have full blown conversations with other men via text. The underlying issue was that something felt off. I expressed my concerns and disapproval to a wall of silence and denial but things didn’t change. One night whilst he was out the room I looked through his phone and found he'd been texting an associate of mine.

Although my snooping was an invasion of his privacy it seemed my intuition was right. Snooping on this occasion saved me further embarrassment and heart ache. I don’t for any second feel that what I did was right and vowed to never do it again. However if I hadn’t snooped I wouldn’t have discovered what had been going on. Our relationship was damaged, communication was way off and clearly I didn’t trust him. I wasn’t confident in what we had. When you snoop you have to get to the root of the problem. You have to be honest with yourself about why you’re doing it.

Sometimes we snoop because we think our partner is being unfaithful, sometimes it’s for other reasons. If you find yourself looking through your partners Facebook messages you probably need to reassess your relationship. Is there a lack of trust or are you insecure about their feelings for you? Snooping avoids real intimacy and being honest enough to share your concerns with your partner. Regardless the reasons snooping is bad news, something I learnt the hard way. Is your desire to snoop really about your partner or issues that your dealing with within yourself. What ever the reason think twice before snooping, most time it’s not worth it and you’ll always find out something you wish you hadn’t.

5 Reasons It's Difficult To Be Friends With Your Ex

I'm not saying that you and your ex can never be friends but in the beginning stages its impossible and rare. Here are 5 reasons why....

1.     Intimacy Once you've been intimate with a person it's very hard to go back to being 'just friends'. Casual sex with someone you've been in a relationship with is looking for trouble. Intimacy with someone over a long period of time will only increase feelings including men. Why would this change because the title of girlfriend/boyfriend has gone? Just yesterday I was speaking to a male friend about the assumption that because women are more emotional it's always us that will get affected the most. I know there are men out there getting stung just as bad as females because of the friends with benefits situation. Friends with benefits only confuses the situation further. Comfort zone can also lead to danger zone.

2.     The Dumper A break up is never mutual! I don't get why people say that? I guarantee that one half of the couple would have continued to try to make things work. Even if they knew in their heart that you've come to the end of the road (cue Boyz II Men) they would have stuck it out. One person will always hold onto the idea of the relationship. More than likely the person whose been dumped. They may not admit it but I assure you this is the case. How can you have a friendship when feelings are still strong? This leads me to the next point.

3.     Feelings They don't change just because we're not together. Even if your partner cheated or was abusive. The anger you feel will disperse and the feelings will remain. I would always find it difficult to converse with an ex on the phone fresh off the back of a break-up. I became used to acting a certain way and answering the phone with 'Hey baby'....oh yeah I can't say that any more. You can no longer be as open and free as you used to be once the relationships ended. It all gets so messy. You find yourself questioning how you should act as we're now 'friends'. 

4.     Moving Forward Can you really move on with your life if that ex is still around? I say no simply because that person has emotional memories attached to them. Every time that person laughs or does certain mannerisms it's a reminder of what used to be. There's nothing worse than an innocent action of your ex being misinterpreted into maybe they still have feelings for me. The more time you spend with your ex sooner or later your guard will come down and you'll be back to square one. Hence the reason why a clean break is the best way forward. Yes it’s painful but in the long run it works. If I'm trying to remain friends with my ex it may mess up any new relationships. I'll end up insisting that they don't match up when really they're just not my ex. Someone is going to get hurt further because they've tried to convince themselves they can remain friends.

5.     Jealousy  We all know that feeling when our ex partner has moved on and found some one new. It can feel like your partner is leaving you behind and that the chapter has closed. You may feel their acting cold and didn't care much if they could move on so quickly. The last thing you want to hear when you and your ex converse is that they had a great evening with their beau. There will always be a level of secrecy as you can't be yourself. You now feel you have to take you exes feelings into consideration. Some people may feel like they can't go on and live their life in fear of not caring.  

I know there are number of reasons why you can be friends with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. However unless you had a really great friendship before you got together I think its difficult. I've always had to go cold turkey when my relationships ended. It's the only way I was able to move on with my life. Time has passed and if I bump into any of my ex boyfriends there's no animosity. We can have the rare phone conversation but does this mean we're friends? 

That's my opinion what are your thoughts? 

My Top 5 Relationship Deal Breakers.

We're approaching a new year and most will be making a list of resolutions. A few of you may be thinking about your relationship deal breakers. I understand couples will have different opinions on certain things but some values need to tarry up. Here are some red flags that I can't over look.....

RUDENESS -Disrespectful to my friends and family. I know people have their differences but that doesn't call for being rude. It gives me a good indication of the way he treats his parents and friends. If he can't treat others the way he wants to be treated then see ya. I've got friends whose boyfriend I'll say hello to and they go down the route of selective hearing.

DISHONESTY - Now I understand people tell white lies from time to time. However there is a big difference between my favourite colour is blue and I manage my own company. I'm talking about compulsive lying! I don't understand why people do it? Sometimes it gets so bad that the person being dishonest can't differentiate lies from the truth. It indicates that your partner has no hesitation building up your expectations and constantly letting you down. I can honestly say it's horrible to be in a relationship without any trust. No trust means no relationship! 

MORE THAN 1 BABY MOTHER- I'm not trying to judge any guy that has several children with a number of women. Nevertheless I can't see myself with a man who has more than 1 baby mother, considering I don't have any children myself. I can't be dealing with Shenika calling the house stating that my partner can't see his child this weekend. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. I know....it's not always as stereo typical as I just made out but I hate drama and try not to associate with it.

RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES - Considering I'm a Christian it would help if my partner was on the same page and shared the same religious beliefs. I don't necessarily want a man whose going to be preaching on the pulpit per se but we need to have the same values. As sooner or later we're going to approach some humps in the road. Whilst I'll be getting on my knees to pray my partner will say 'don't worry honey, fingers crossed'.

LACK OF COMMITMENT- There are several different elements when it comes to commitment. My main concern is when I'm with someone and we're not progressing. I once dated a guy who after 6 months still had not introduced me to any family members or work colleagues. They probably thought he was single for all I know. Although we went out (meals/drinks) I never got to test whether he'd introduce me as his 'girlfriend' or refer to me by name (always a good indication). He never professed it as Steve Harvey would say. He never included me in his talks about the future and never made time for me. I knew deep down it wasn't right but I hoped things would change.

What are some of your relationship deal breakers?