Break Up Sex

Break up sex is never a good idea because though it feels good while in the moment, it only delays the moving on process. It’s like continually going back to the source of pain and hoping things will get better. Or in some peoples case the relationship recommences. So many couples go through a vicious cycle of break ups to make ups and it usually starts with sex. Some reunite and try to make the relationship work whilst others make empty promises and mislead one another.

What tends to happen is a bit of time will pass and loneliness sinks in. You can’t be bothered/ don’t want to go through the process of meeting someone new. Familiarity’s great and you ex is only a phone call away. You start to speak more often and eventually decide to meet up. You have a whale of time and meet up again a few weeks later. Next thing you know you’re in bed together. Of course this isn’t the formula for every couple but I predict at least 60% of exes continue to have sex once they’ve split up.

The end of a relationship is like going cold turkey. It requires a lot of will power and wise choices to stop your emotions making hasty decisions. Once your guard is down, vulnerability sets in and this is when we’re likely to make big mistakes. Even if the decision to split was amicable, one person wanted the relationship to continue. I don’t care how convincing they are with regards to casual sex, someone’s lying and will eventually want more. One person will have higher expectations and will no doubt feel used about it all.

Some would argue there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all adults and have both stated that we’re not in a relationship but someone will want that old thing back. Unfortunately women and men think that having sex will restore the relationship. What started out as a bit of fun (which I can’t see possible when it relates to an act so intimate) is leaving you more distressed than the initial break up. Is there ever a way to keep sex emotion free? I think not. While you’re convincing yourself there’s no strings attached your only complicating things further. With sex arise unresolved issues, promises and a lot of hope.

Continuing to have sex only delays the moving on period. So many people are in denial and feel they can start a new relationship whilst still attached to their ex. It takes time and space to clear your heads without any distractions. Break up sex muddles your emotions, causes confusion and leaves you still emotionally attached. How can you possibly move on mentally/ emotionally if you’re sleeping with your ex?

In reality I know this is easier said than done but I suggest you avoid having sex with your ex!!!

3 Approaches That Won't Make Him Commit

There are many women desperately wanting their casual relationships to turn into something more serious. At some stage we all want someone who’s committed to being with us on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level. When women find a guy they like and are dating. She will visualize their future, mentally planning a life together. Men don’t do this from the get go unless they know that you’re a keeper. Some men are happy to date for years on end and not commit. If you can have your cake and eat it why would you? Men know from the get go whether they want a committed relationship with you. I guess they’ll feel something on an emotional level that will let them know I want her and only her. You’ll be able to tell as he'll be the one pushing for the long term commitment. 

We as women convince ourselves that if we just bide our time he’ll eventually come round. This can often work and if that fails we resort to one of the 3 approaches below.  I advise you don’t, here’s why…..

You try and convince him. Convincing doesn’t work. It really doesn’t! Yes we all feel we’re the best thing since sliced bread, supportive, have a lot to offer and that we’ll make great partners. However if the person your dating can’t see that for themselves. Convincing them won’t make any difference. It’s too pushy and has the scent of desperation. I’ve done the whole I’m a good catch speech, you’ll realize when I’m gone (I should have got an Oscar). Did it make any difference…no! Trying to convince a man that he wants to be in a relationship with you will actually make him want it less. FACT! 

Withholding your feelings. It can feel emotionally draining to give so much of yourself to someone and not feel you’re getting much in return. You shouldn’t act on the premise that I’m going to start with holding my feelings and thoughts because I’m not getting the connection I want. This not only hinders you from being truthful and gaining what you can from the relationship but it stirs up the feeling of distrust in a man. No one likes game playing. He’s going to feel frustrated and will eventually stop trying to win your inconsistent affections. It is not a trade off. If I share x then he must show y in return. It doesn’t work like that. 

You give him ultimatums. This approach NEVER, EVER works! Not only are you putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship and each other but you could be setting yourself up for a fall. Men can be very stubborn and most time haven’t gone to that place where they have explored their feelings yet. I keep reminding myself that men and women are very different when it comes to relationships. Women analyze most things on an emotional level, men don’t! While ultimatums push for answers it might not be the response you want. Putting people on the spot usually pushes them to act quickly and rush into a decision there not happy with. A man who feels pressured into making a decision will only feel resentful and not vested in the relationship. I for sure definitely want a man who wants to be committed with me because he discovered it for himself. Not because I told him he has a certain amount of time or I’m out the door. 

Thoughts?

Trust Your Gut Instincts

It's important that men and women trust their gut instinct. I'm not suggesting you leave a relationship over your intuition. Just pay attention because after a while that little niggling voice inside your head will get louder. I met a guy who seemed to tick enough boxes for me, but something didn't quite add up. He was very attractive, worked hard, respectful, generous, charming, blah, blah, blah. The downside was that he lied about any and everything. Now whilst I couldn't prove it I just sensed that something wasn't right. Things eventually came to a head and my suspicions were proved right.

Or maybe the time when I thought an ex boyfriend of mine was cheating. My gut instinct had been screaming for a long time to get out but I stayed way longer than I should have. Surprise, surprise my suspicions were right. Why did I ignore my gut instincts? I guess it was a fear of my intuition being true. That this guy who claimed to care would lie to me on so many levels. Sometimes we’d rather be in denial about certain things. We don’t want to acknowledge or face up to the truth that something isn’t right. Fear I may loose this 'friendship', self-doubt, fear of bring alone, all of the above.

I think intuition is vital when dating/finding love. You can just feel/sense whether someone is good for you. To be honest there were alarm bells ringing with the above characters but I chose to ignore them hoping my gut was wrong. We have all the head/ heart debate. Do I go with what I feel in my heart, or the thoughts in my head?

Another reason we sometimes ignore out gut instinct is that our emotions get in the way. They sometimes cloud our judgement and affect our intuition. It's like our minds get all hazy and we're less accurate with that gut feeling. It blinds our rational at times and whilst our instincts are saying steer clear. Our emotions are craving for everything to be ok, for things to work out fine.

I guess the key is to trust your gut instinct a bit more. On the flip side if we didn't ignore our gut instinct once in a while we may have played it too safe and avoided certain relationships which at some point gave us a tinge of happiness. Not forgetting the all important experience that is necessary to grow and make better decisions in the future.

What are your thoughts?

8 Reasons Why He May Not Date You.

There have been a number of occasions when a guy has out right flirted with me, subtle touching, any excuse to get a hug, compliments galore you name it. We've even gone as far as exchange numbers/Blackberry pin (Oh how times have changed). So I assumed the next step would be a date. Slow down not necessarily. Here are 8 reasons why a guy may show an interest in you but won't ask you out.

1). We misread the signs

I hold my hands up whilst I claim to be the queen when it comes to discerning whether a guy likes my friends. Me on the other hand my radar vision gets a little fuzzy. Some guys are just simply polite and have that innate tendency to flirt. Whether it is for attention, ego boost or they just can't help themselves (side-eye) I don't know but that's all it is. Nothing more, nothing less....just flirting. I think us women sometimes mistake the flirting and attentive behaviour for he must really like me. Whilst some men may make eye contact, engage in small talk and or just be really attentive. Upon research this can be an indication of emotional maturity or good human relations skills. No need to start getting excited just yet.

2 He’s already in a relationship

I'm sure every woman's experienced this they just didn't realise it. I've had men flirt, only to reveal later that they are in a relationship (confused face). Dude why are you flirting with me then? I'd like to think that you'd find this fact out in the early stages of talking to someone. Then again some folks have a tendency to lie so you may get caught out on this one. Regardless the truth will come out sooner or later. 

A friend of mine told me about this guy who’s in a long term relationships yet entertains (flirts with) women left right and centre. He has no intention of dating them or getting physical. Why does he do this? Maybe this is his one seemingly harmless way of enjoying the variety of other women in a detached, non-threatening way. I'm not saying its right but this is what people do.

3. He Doesn't Know How You Feel

This was a recurring response after talking to the brothers. As one of my male friend stated it's sometimes hard to tell if she wants more. I think one of the biggest misconceptions us women have is that the guy must know we like him. This is not always the case. You may think that your flirting back or being friendly but he may be just as unsure about your feelings as you are about him.

There was a guy who I knew fancied me yet he didn't ask me out. I eventually said I would like to see you more often (my indirect way of stating I like you). We went on a few more dates after that but nothing really came out of it. I thought I was being pretty obvious with my tactful questions about his relationship status, hobbies, flirting, compliments, etc. Clearly I wasn't. I believe that the same way we females have that hazy uncertainty so do men. How do we avoid this? Be honest about your feelings. Yes I know easier said than done but it avoids any confusion. 

  

4) He Doesn't Like You That Way

He may be attracted too you physically but not emotionally. A quote from Alan Carter 'Some men will expresses a lot of curiosity in the way he asks questions, gives you his full attention, and keeps his eyes riveted on you. These behaviours are not an indication that the man is interested in dating you'.

I’ve been caught out with this one a few times. I've convinced myself that when a guy’s physically attracted to me that he must want to date me. Why else would he paying me so much attention? In retrospect I’ve learnt that just because he's attracted to you doesn’t mean he has feelings for you. He may just find you interesting, nice to look at, similar hobbies traits. This doesn't mean he wants a relationship.

5) He's Scared (Rejection)

I've mentioned this before and I'll say it again. Men get scared too ladies! Yes he may have feelings for you but it's not enough for him to ask you out. I believe that for a man to pursue you aggressively he has to be pretty sure that he stands a chance of winning you over. He may feel you are way out of his league. You don't feel highly enough for him (refer back to point 3). There are too many suitors vying for your attention as it is and he can't compete. It may be too much hassle for him to pursue you to be rejected. 

6) His Circumstances Aren't Great

We all go for peaks and troughs in our lives. He may have his own personal reasons that mean he can't get into any relationship right now. It's nothing personal. As Steve Harvey states, men are driven by who they are, what they do and how much they make.

If a man is not in a place emotionally, financially, etc. No matter how much he likes you I doubt he's going to take things to the next level. It'll be a lot simpler to let you pass.

7) He Can't Envision a Relationship with You

Yes you may share the same common interests but he can't see himself in a relationship with you. No matter how much you get along, share similar interests and have a mutual attraction. This guy may not be able to see a future with you. The way ladies envision whether they can see a meaningful relationship is the same for men. 

8) He Just Wants Sex 

Some people are happy with this set up and others aren't. I do believe that if you’re hoping for a relationship and you rush into intimacy you could be ending up for a fall. We've all heard the saying listen to what a man says. If he states he doesn't want to date at the moment. That usually means…..he doesn't want to date at the moment. Just because he'll have sex with you doesn't mean he's entertained the thought of a relationship. Don’t think that after being intimate it’s going to convince him that he wants to settle down. 

Are there any reasons I've missed? Thoughts?

Can Men and Women be just friends?

This topic has come up a lot of late and I want to add my two pence. I believe a man and woman can be just friends. However there is always, always going to be a time when some one entertains the 'what if' thought? I sure have done. You know how it is. You and your man friend are conversing more often. The phone calls last longer. You feel more comfortable talking about certain things. The more you build up a rapor someones going to catch feelings. You can't pinpoint when it happens but your in this place of what do I do next?

I've been in this position and I kept schum each and every time. If I'd spoken up I'm not sure we'd have the platonic friendship we have now. Then again I may have gone on to form a good relationship, who knows?  I was too scared to say anything at the time. Plus rejection can hurt like a mofo. Upon reflection I'm glad we never crossed over to the more than friends zone as I could have potentially lost a good friend. I'm a firm believer of if it's meant to be it will be

Some people don't dwell on the implications of crossing over to the more than friends zone. Whilst others over think it and don't say anything. There is no right or wrong answer. I do however feel that IF you develop a relationship and things go wrong you rarely get that friendship back the way it was. This too me is the main reason that stops people confessing their true feelings. Plus the fact feelings may not be mutual. It's not often that you continue a good friendship with your ex never mind a once good friend. Being civil and having the odd conversation is not the same as friendship. On the flip side if your such good friends then surely you can be honest with each other no?

Men and women can be friends they just need to get over the hurdle of the physical/sexual attraction. This hurdle will pass but just because certain thoughts/feelings are buried it doesn't mean they've gone. You just need to pay attention for those comments that have a slight undertone or the hand that lingers on your arm for too long. Ladies you know what I mean. Yes I'm indirectly saying it's harder for the brothers. Men will usually be drawn to you from a physical attribute, that's just how it is. I also think men find it harder to control their sexual urges.

Your emotional state will play a role. You may be feeling low and vulnerable and your male friend is saying all the right things to make you feel better. This should not be mistaken for he would make the perfect boyfriend or friend with benefits (messy territory). Patience is important as over time you may realise those thoughts were just a phase. Knowing the boundaries/expectations of your friendship is also vital. I know of females that get jealous when their male friends go out with their friends or start a new relationship. This is when you are no longer in the friend zone. You can pretend all you want but friends don't get jealous.

Of course there are a number of different factors that come into play. These will determine whether you can be platonic friends. Was there an instant attraction when you met? Was the friendship initiated by flirting? The environment in which you meet? I know the majority of people have platonic friendships at work. I could go on and on about this subject but I'd rather hear some of your views.  Thoughts?