Is It Ever Okay To Date Your Friends Ex Partner?

This is a very touchy subject. I recently spotted a quote which said 'Of course you can date the ex-partner of your friends...the question should really be is it possible to keep your friend in the process?' I received a lot of mixed responses when I posed the question. There were the obstinate No’s to the why should you step in the way of love? Here are some issues that need considering if you’re thinking of dating your friends ex.

Why do you want to date them?

I think people sometimes get caught up with the fantasy of how their friend’s relationship looks. Although they don’t know what goes on behind closed doors romanticism takes over. They want what their friend have not necessarily their partner and can’t differentiate between the two. I think we’ve all done it at some point? I’ve looked at certain friends relationships and thought aw I’d like that. Maybe this is the problem? Or is it a merely a lust situation? Does this new relationship have potential?

What's your friendship like?

I guess this is the real question, how much do you value your friendship? I have some good friends who I can’t imagine having that conversation with. Hey me and (insert name) like each other and want to see whether this friendship could progress. Some of my friends are like family and it’s just not worth the drama it may bring to the table. I’d like to think that if you ever have to cross the dating the ex partner bridge that you can be upfront and honest about the situation. There’s nothing worse than your friend hearing through the grapevine about your activities.

What are the possible outcome/consequences of your decision?

Is this person worth potentially losing a friend ship over? This question should be at the forefront of your mind. The flip side is that both parties may have healed and moved on. You and your friends ex could go on to have a long fulfilling relationship. Even if you do receive your friend’s approval the fundamentals of your friendship will change!

What were the circumstances behind the relationship ending?

If your friend ended the relationship there’s more possibility of them being okay with the situation. However if they were dumped they may still be harbouring feelings of rejection, hurt or resentment. How long were they together? The longer the relationship the more memories, emotions attached. More importantly was their closure. If not, this will make thing difficult for all parties.

People are protective.

I think this applies more to men. I believe they are more territorial and have the mind set of I’ve dated her. She was mine….hands off. Even if you do get your friends consent there are certain emotions, baggage, memories that will undoubtedly be triggered the moment he/she see’s the ex with friend.

I’m not an advocate for people dating their friends ex partners. However things are never black and white. What are your thoughts?

8 Reasons Why He May Not Date You.

There have been a number of occasions when a guy has out right flirted with me, subtle touching, any excuse to get a hug, compliments galore you name it. We've even gone as far as exchange numbers/Blackberry pin (Oh how times have changed). So I assumed the next step would be a date. Slow down not necessarily. Here are 8 reasons why a guy may show an interest in you but won't ask you out.

1). We misread the signs

I hold my hands up whilst I claim to be the queen when it comes to discerning whether a guy likes my friends. Me on the other hand my radar vision gets a little fuzzy. Some guys are just simply polite and have that innate tendency to flirt. Whether it is for attention, ego boost or they just can't help themselves (side-eye) I don't know but that's all it is. Nothing more, nothing less....just flirting. I think us women sometimes mistake the flirting and attentive behaviour for he must really like me. Whilst some men may make eye contact, engage in small talk and or just be really attentive. Upon research this can be an indication of emotional maturity or good human relations skills. No need to start getting excited just yet.

2 He’s already in a relationship

I'm sure every woman's experienced this they just didn't realise it. I've had men flirt, only to reveal later that they are in a relationship (confused face). Dude why are you flirting with me then? I'd like to think that you'd find this fact out in the early stages of talking to someone. Then again some folks have a tendency to lie so you may get caught out on this one. Regardless the truth will come out sooner or later. 

A friend of mine told me about this guy who’s in a long term relationships yet entertains (flirts with) women left right and centre. He has no intention of dating them or getting physical. Why does he do this? Maybe this is his one seemingly harmless way of enjoying the variety of other women in a detached, non-threatening way. I'm not saying its right but this is what people do.

3. He Doesn't Know How You Feel

This was a recurring response after talking to the brothers. As one of my male friend stated it's sometimes hard to tell if she wants more. I think one of the biggest misconceptions us women have is that the guy must know we like him. This is not always the case. You may think that your flirting back or being friendly but he may be just as unsure about your feelings as you are about him.

There was a guy who I knew fancied me yet he didn't ask me out. I eventually said I would like to see you more often (my indirect way of stating I like you). We went on a few more dates after that but nothing really came out of it. I thought I was being pretty obvious with my tactful questions about his relationship status, hobbies, flirting, compliments, etc. Clearly I wasn't. I believe that the same way we females have that hazy uncertainty so do men. How do we avoid this? Be honest about your feelings. Yes I know easier said than done but it avoids any confusion. 

  

4) He Doesn't Like You That Way

He may be attracted too you physically but not emotionally. A quote from Alan Carter 'Some men will expresses a lot of curiosity in the way he asks questions, gives you his full attention, and keeps his eyes riveted on you. These behaviours are not an indication that the man is interested in dating you'.

I’ve been caught out with this one a few times. I've convinced myself that when a guy’s physically attracted to me that he must want to date me. Why else would he paying me so much attention? In retrospect I’ve learnt that just because he's attracted to you doesn’t mean he has feelings for you. He may just find you interesting, nice to look at, similar hobbies traits. This doesn't mean he wants a relationship.

5) He's Scared (Rejection)

I've mentioned this before and I'll say it again. Men get scared too ladies! Yes he may have feelings for you but it's not enough for him to ask you out. I believe that for a man to pursue you aggressively he has to be pretty sure that he stands a chance of winning you over. He may feel you are way out of his league. You don't feel highly enough for him (refer back to point 3). There are too many suitors vying for your attention as it is and he can't compete. It may be too much hassle for him to pursue you to be rejected. 

6) His Circumstances Aren't Great

We all go for peaks and troughs in our lives. He may have his own personal reasons that mean he can't get into any relationship right now. It's nothing personal. As Steve Harvey states, men are driven by who they are, what they do and how much they make.

If a man is not in a place emotionally, financially, etc. No matter how much he likes you I doubt he's going to take things to the next level. It'll be a lot simpler to let you pass.

7) He Can't Envision a Relationship with You

Yes you may share the same common interests but he can't see himself in a relationship with you. No matter how much you get along, share similar interests and have a mutual attraction. This guy may not be able to see a future with you. The way ladies envision whether they can see a meaningful relationship is the same for men. 

8) He Just Wants Sex 

Some people are happy with this set up and others aren't. I do believe that if you’re hoping for a relationship and you rush into intimacy you could be ending up for a fall. We've all heard the saying listen to what a man says. If he states he doesn't want to date at the moment. That usually means…..he doesn't want to date at the moment. Just because he'll have sex with you doesn't mean he's entertained the thought of a relationship. Don’t think that after being intimate it’s going to convince him that he wants to settle down. 

Are there any reasons I've missed? Thoughts?