4 Reasons Men Don't Hate The Single Life As Much As Women.

 

There seems to be this idea that men are more content being single than women. I know both sex’s desire relationships but I do feel that men deal with the single life better. Women tend to vocalize their need for a relationship more because it’s at the forefront of their minds and society deems unattached women as outcasts more often than men. Women are constantly reminded about the biological clock and crave a family men don’t have this kind of pressure.

Evan Marc Katz wrote an interesting piece on the subject. Below are 4 reasons women hate being single compared to men.

SEX - this may seem hard to digest but there are some men who don’t desire to have the same kind of relationship that women do. Some of your needs are being met i.e. spending lots of time together with the hope that it turns into a serious relationship. He has other plans in mind and you’ll find that the relationship is often on his terms. When you’re together it’s good but once you’ve gone it’s out of sight out of mind. Why you ask? Probably because his needs are being met throughout his career, friendships, hobbies etc. Feelings will always grow the longer you’re intimate with someone but it doesn't mean it will develop into a relationship. Plus there’s less stigma around men having casual sex.

EXPECTATIONS- I believe women have greater expectations whilst dating and inadvertently put pressure on the men and themselves. Men can date casually and not get attached; this is much harder for women. Men often go into dating relaxed with the notion of having fun getting to know you. Women on the other hand go in with higher expectations hoping to find their knight in shining armour. Men are more patient with the process and are willing to accept women for who they are.

SELF- DEFINTION-  Steve Harvey said that men are defined by three things who he is (his title), what he does (his job), and how much he makes (his reward for his efforts). Women don’t function like this, not to say we are not career driven or ambitious but deep down our emotional being will override all that. Women are more likely to see their relationship as what defines them and sometimes obsess about being single. We then get lonely/ needy and start to question ourselves. Men can date multiple women and get each different need met. Women don’t like to do this and would rather have the whole package.

COMMUNICATION STYLES- I love to talk and have a great network of men/ women I can babble on to. Men don’t have the same support and tend to keep their circle smaller. Notice it’s mainly women reading self-help books and going to seminars because we have no problem admitting we need help. My girlfriends and I discuss our feelings often, it’s the norm. I’m not sure how many men openly vocalise their need for assistance.

We all have similar needs, don’t we? The longing for companionship, affection, support emotionally and mentally. Though it seems each sex deals with these needs differently. I have to agree that men find it easier being single. Thoughts?

What's The Fuss About Valentines Day.

I've been previously drawn into the Valentine hype and spent copious amounts of money on what has become a commercialized day. I recall in my early twenties going all out for an ex boyfriend. I brought him an expensive watch, teddy bear, sprinkled rose petals on the living room floor (like a scene from Coming to America) filled out an oversized card with sentimental lines, set the CD on  repeat with a love song by R Kelly and topped it off with a restaurant booking. At the time I felt a great sense of achievement and wanted a gold star for my efforts. I must confess that my actions would be reciprocated……they were not! I learned that my so called BF didn’t do Valentines. Not that you should give to receive.  In hindsight I didn't have to go all out for one day in the year and most importantly it wasn't necessary to spend so much money. I have never made that much effort since as I don’t’ feel a date in the Calendar should determine how I show my love and appreciation for my partner.

Valentines Day holds a different meaning to everyone hence where problems can arise. Some may view it as a chance to boast about their other half's grand gestures? The one day that you can spoil them rotten if you haven’t done so for the rest of the year. While others see it as an opportunity to spend some quality time with their loved ones due to a demanding workload, families, etc.

I think a person has to be really secure within themselves and their relationship to not get swayed by this day. Some people get over excited with the romanticism of it all. They may end up spending above their means. Treating their partners like kings and queens for one day and then reverting to a lack of appreciation. While there’s those that seem to have inherited the romantic gene and use this day to cement what they already have. 

Valentines Day can put immense pressure on couples especially men. How many women are left crushed when their partner doesn't live up to their expectations? They’re left disappointed because they didn't receive so much as a card. What about those in relationships that claim they don’t celebrate the day but secretly hope to be surprised? The key to all of this is to be honest within yourself and your partner. If they wish to celebrate it let them choose how they do it. This doesn’t mean you’ll get what you want but at least there’s a level of understanding and less chance of unmet expectations.  

There's nothing wrong with proving your love for your partner but surely it’s something that should be done 365 days a year.

Why Women Feel The Need To Fix Relationships?

How many couple’s would give similar answers when asked whether things needed fixing within their relationship? What you feel needs changing and what your spouse thinks will probably differ. Considering there's two people in a relationship you’d think a couple would sit down, communicate‘effectively’ and work out what needs changing ‘together’. I think men resent when women get into super woman mode and try too fix everything themselves. A common example of women trying to fix relationships iscouples counselling (which can prove beneficial). I thought I wanted tospecialise in couples counselling but have decided against it. Counselling oneperson is challenging enough but two at the same time would prove too much for me.

My friend is attending couples counselling. He mentioned that his Mrs had suggested couples therapy on several occasions and I can only assume he finally succumbed as he speaks about the experience begrudgingly. I very much doubt he would have tried to ‘fix’ things and would NEVER suggest counselling. The problem with this along with most couple counselling is that people are going in with different expectations and concerns. His girlfriend is going withthe hope that things will change and the bumps in the road will flatten out. I quietly believe that she hopes that he’ll finally pop the question too. His reason for going is to appease her, keep things harmonious and the hope that she will understand him better. They both have a desire for their needs to be met unfortunately there not the same.

How often does the relationship need fixing? Are we tryingto find flaws that don’t actually exist? I think we’ve become conditioned to TV programs, society and all the self help books available. Women portray a large number when it comes to the readership of relationship books. This puts an indirect pressure on women to be the ones to fix things. Women spend more time talking and listening about relationships and are more nurturing by nature. Maybe this constant striving to fix everything comes from the desire to have a happy relationship

I’ve read time and time again that men are quite simple. Thisis evident in their approach to fixing a relationship. Men will either accept usand the relationship for what it is or they won’t. Yes it’s as simple as that! Oh how we could save ourselves a lot of heartache if we didn’t get into relationships with the mind set that ‘I can change/ fix him’. I’m guilty of this tendency and it only left me very frustrated.  It may start off subtlety and before you know it you’re trying to change everything about the man/ relationship you once claimed to like. I’m not suggesting people don’t change but when faced with the facts you have to accept them for who they are. As Dr Phill once said 'You can’t fix someone or a relationship if the other person doesn’t acknowledge there’s a problem'.  

He's Just Not That Into You

I assume you’ve all heard of /watched the 2009 film 'He's Just Not That Into You'. I couldn't help but see what all the fuss was about. I was intrigued by the excuses women, me included make for men and I wanted an insight into men act the way they do. Whilst the film was okay the self-titled book is where the real understanding lies. It's an entertaining guide on how to interpret men penned by the writers of Sex In The City. It makes clear why the man you’re waiting for may not be worth the wait or all your excuses. The bonus being it’s from a male’s perspective with many quotes including 'men don't want to tell women when they're not interested -- and women don't want to hear it anyway' and 'When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be'. Women take note!

Why do why we convince ourselves of something different when the plain facts are staring us in the face. I.e. when a man says he doesn't want a relationship yet we think we know him better than himself. Greg (the author) says it better 'Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. 'I don't want to be in a serious relationship' truly means 'I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you' or 'I'm not sure that you’re the one'. How many times have we heard this statement and tried to interpret it as something else? Don’t be in denial if a man is open enough to tell you what he wants....listen to him!!! Some people aren't great on the communication front so be grateful he’s talking providing he’s telling the truth of course.

According to Greg if a man likes you he WILL ask you out. He states that men for the most part like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you? Ive heard this theory time and time again, not sure if I’m convinced in this day and age. We think that if we maybe tame it down a bit, act more interested, flirt more often it may push a man to ask you out. He could be shy right? Not according to Greg 'you seem to think at times that we're too shy or we just got out of something’. I won’t be using that excuse again. I understand it can't be easy and some women can be mighty intimidating. However I do believe if you really want something you'll feel the fear and do it anyway.

'If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you'. Well they say the truth hurts. I briefly dated a man who was married to his job....literally. He'd squeeze me into his busy schedule when he saw/felt fit. I saw him maybe 2-3 hours a week. I was never satisfied or happy with this situation but I convinced myself that if I waited around patiently, he'd realize that he wanted to see me more often. I mean there’s only so much moaning I can do right? Upon reading that sentence back I realized how poor it sounds. The fact is he led me to believe he could be something that he wasn’t. He created an array of expectations and didn’t follow through. Nothing worse than being disappointed, unfortunately life is a journey full of them. However if your partner is constantly letting you down maybe he's just not that into you.

Another example is the men who constantly keep you waiting by the phone. The ones that state they'll call you at a certain time and never do. Now if you profess that you'll call me at 8pm I'm not expecting you to call me at 8 on the dot but I'm not expecting you to call two days later either. Yes there's always the unexpected situation that can arise but if it happens on a regular basis then Houston we have a problem. This is the man that apparently likes you. Surely he'd want to hear your voice, not fob you off with I'll call you later and not follow through. 

A friend of mine always questions why men promise to do things and don't follow through as if they've got a gun to their head. According to Greg...'most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. It doesn't take a genius to know that the ones that mean it will follow through. Unfortunately if he's not calling you, it's because you’re not on his mind'. It sounds very blunt but it's better that you find these things out now than be in denial. I think we've forgotten that actions speak louder than words and it’s time to stop letting the baby/honeys and the other sweet words fool you. As sometimes that’s all they are…words. Men know what we want to hear and some know how to lay it thick. Nothing wrong with flirting and accepting the compliment just be aware of what you want and whether you’re both on the same playing field.

I'm not suggesting you take everything a man says literally but there comes a point when you have to stop making excuses for them. Why stay in dating limbo? There’s nothing worse than not knowing where you stand. Apart from making you unhappy it's damn frustrating arrrgh! If the so called relationship is causing you more distress than good then maybe he's just not that into you.

High Expectations Can End A Relationship.

The difficulty with expectations is that there centred on what ‘YOU’ think the person should do. Hence the problem it’s about you, not us/we. My expectations have caused problems in previous relationships. I don’t know what it is but as soon as we've crossed the friendship zone my outlook changes. The friendship formula which was clearly working suddenly adjusts due to my perception of how a relationship ‘should’ be. Some of my thoughts have been that he should now act a certain way. He should up the ante with the phone calls. We’re in a relationship so she should be more open with his feelings. The recurring word here is should and there lies the problem.

Society, culture and the media contribute to people’s expectations within relationships. They indirectly alter our views and shape our way of thinking. I find it hard to not be influenced by all these outside sources. Don't get me wrong I'm not one of these women who have a long list of criteria but my expectations have been high at times. One of my exes even threw this statement at me during a disagreement.  

I don't think there's anything wrong with expectations. I guess the problem lies with finding the balance between healthy and unrealistic ones. I.e. I expect my partner to not be physically abusive. Compared to I expect my partner to ring me every day during my lunch break. High/ unrealistic expectations can really damage relationships. I can’t speak for men but I think women are sometimes more guilty of setting these high standards that men simply can’t attain. We then get frustrated and don’t communicate properly which leads to resentment and a lot of anger.

I think some of the reasons for these impractical expectations are that we get into relationships for the wrong reasons (loneliness, feeling of fulfilment). If you don’t know what you want, are unhappy with life. How can someone else help you? Our partners aren’t there to fix us or make us happy. I’ve been guilty of this way of thinking. Little wonder our expectations can’t be met.

Sometimes we have this checklist of requirements that need to be updated as we all grow and change throughout life. What you may have wanted in a partner 4 years ago has probably changed. Experiences, your outlook on life, where you’re at are all factors that will change what you thought you wanted from your other half.

We hear it but probably still haven’t grasped that men love differently. Women thrive of being wooed, honoured, and loved. We know what we would do for a man but feel miffed when it’s no reciprocated the way we’d expect. The amounts of times I’ve sulked when previous partners haven’t done what I’ve perceived as show me they care in the way I wanted.

Every body has expectations. Isn’t it better to set them too high than too low? Are men’s expectations as high as women’s? Or is that different things hold different meanings too either sex?