5 Reasons Men Hate Dating.

There seems to be a recurring theme that men hate dating. I’m certain that everybody has felt uncomfortable with dating at some point in their lives, but I really want to focus on the man dem. I always presumed men who weren't in a committed relationship would embrace their freedom and date until their hearts content. If they enjoy being single and aren't looking for serious commitment then dating is a fun way to meet new people and fill that quiet Friday/ Saturday night time right?

We've all experienced that one uncomfortable question that we didn’t really want to answer on a date. Then there’s the awkward silence….hmmmmmm. The discomfort of not wanting to look at person sitting opposite you and trying to act like your perfectly comfortable with the situation. All of the above will vary depending on how well you know the person and the environment. Here are 5 reasons men don’t enjoy dating….

1. We all have a tendency to be impatient, women in particular. When we reach a certain age feel the pressures of settling down and starting a family becomes immense. Majority of the time we’ve already established that the person we’re dating is someone we’d want to enter a relationship with. We don’t always take the time to get to know someone as best as possible and rush the process. Hence some women attach themselves too quickly to a man who isn’t good for them. This behaviour can be off putting. While some men would jump at this, others may run a mile. Before everyone starts attacking me I know this works both ways. Men get attached too but remember this post is meant to be from a male perspective.

2. It’s taken too seriously.  I don’t believe men view dating as acutely as women. We will examine everything he does, things he says, his body language, etc. I feel from the get go we’re wondering does he want a relationship with me? When’s the next date? A man can always tell when a woman wants a relationship. Men go in with a more light hearted approach. The first stages of dating are not that serious! It’s an opportunity to get to know each other better and have fun. No ones talking about marriage just yet. Expectations tend to sneak in time and time again and can indirectly ruin a good occasion.   

3. It can work out to be expensive!  Now we’re living in modern times where women are open to pay halves, her way what ever. However I’m pretty sure if you’re going to continue initiating the dates there’s going to be some pressure on you to pay. Most men know that women place a high value on how a potential partner treats them from the get go. Where you go, how often you meet and your income stream will determine how costly it becomes. No one likes things done half baked. The guy you’re dating may be at a bad place financially through no fault of his own. Things happen! He’d like to take you out regularly but funds will not permit. Not all men are forthright to confess their financial situation with a woman they don’t know you that well.

4. Men are always expected to initiate (I'll explore this further in a future post). Women are becoming bold and are inclined to ask men out too, but the onus will always be on the man. You were handed that responsibility from day one. Don’t know why that’s just how it goes. Contrary to popular belief not all men are bold enough to ask you out. This is an additional headache to the whole dating process. It doesn't help that there's a stigma attached to women who ask men out.  Some females feel that men are getting the pleasure of their time plus a few benefits. Which leads onto my final point.

5. I’m not guaranteed any intimacy. Sorry to be so blunt but this is The Real Talk! Not every person you date is looking for a relationship. Some men want a person they can be intimate with no strings attached. Some women want this too and will style it out by going on a few dates so their not perceived as easy.....it’s true! There aren’t any guarantees that a man will get that level of closeness making the dating process monotonous and a waste of time. I’ve paid for all those meals and not even a kiss? What?!?!?!?  

I’m not suggesting that all men hate dating, some women hate it too. Is it because as soon as we hear the word ‘date’ there’s a level of expectancy? Do we feel we have to act a certain way and get into some form of role play? That we can't control the situation and feel we have to guess peoples intentions. Or is it simply that we’re dating the wrong people? 

Should You Get Back With Your Ex?

It's a scenario we've all encountered. We split up with our partner and begin to wander whether the right decisions were made. Getting back with your ex can seem like the greatest thing at first, the butterflies and no more lonely nights. What often happens is once the honey moon period dies down the same problems that drove you both apart resurface. Just because you miss someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together.

Splitting up with someone a second time round can be more painful than the first. You get used to your own space and independence again. You've put those emotions to one side and can slowly hear your exes name without feeling uncomfortable.

I recall when I split up with an ex a feeling of extreme loneliness, wandering what I was going to do with myself. The little things you take for granted, speaking on a regular basis. Those summer days in the park, etc. The relationship ended for a number of reasons plus the fact that we just got on each others nerves. Never the less a few years later we started talking again, began to meet up and decided to give things another shot. Surprise, surprise a few months later the problems re-emerged. The underlying issues were still their and couldn't be smoothed over. We'd grown apart and wanted different things from life. The physical/ emotional attraction simply wasn't enough.

Before jumping back into a relationship with your ex there’s a few things you need to ask yourself.

Is it jealousy? Your ex has moved on and started a new relationship, yet you’re still pining over him. All the things that worked your last nerve your willing to bypass as long as he’s not with someone else. I wouldn’t recommend this. We often reminisce on the good times and push the negatives to the back of our mind. The same issues that split you up the first time round will more than likely arise. Depending on how long you've been separated and the reasoning behind the relationship breakdown.

Then there’s the daunting idea of dating again. After being in a relationship we sometimes forget about how long the dating process can be. It can prove difficult to meet like minded new people. Getting back with an ex can be deemed as the lazy option. You’re comfortable, it’s easy. You know each other well and while this person may not make you happy. Some people would rather this alternative than getting to know someone new.

Is it a case of loneliness? It takes time adjusting to your own space again. I know a few people that would rather be in a destructive relationship than alone. This is never a good reason to take someone back. If you cant face being alone then you need to address why that is. Being by your self isn’t such a bad thing. It gives you space to grow in confidence. You learn more about your character and what it is you want from life etc.

Of course things aren’t always black and white. There are a number of factors why people decide to end their relationships. Some people get back with their exes and live happily ever after. Just be warned that second time relationship will take a lot of hard work and honesty.

6 Reasons Why He Won't Call.

Have you wondered why a guy acts interested upon meeting you but doesn't call. HE asks for your number and then doesn’t call you. What is that about? Why bother asking for the number if you have no intention of calling right? Not only is this frustrating, it can leave some women in a state of confusion. Check out the 6 reasons why men don’t call.

1. They lost your phone number or forgot to call. Some men are unorganized or a member of the procrastination club. When they do retrieve your number or remember to call so much time has passed that they feel they can’t call you now.

2. Some men do it for an ego boost. Part of the process can be an exchange of phone numbers. Ego stroking is an extremely addictive habit to men. Subconsciously knowing that a woman out there is waiting on your call can be flattering to some men. Some would call this game playing.

3. Not all men are as confident as they’ll have you believe. Underneath the bravado some are inexperienced and haven’t been emotionally close to a woman before. I.e. they’ll have a great date and want to maintain the high feeling. Because this experience doesn’t happen often they are scared to continue interactions with you through fear of messing things up. Instead of taking a risk and seeing where the friendship could potentially go they’d rather play it safe and reminisce on the memories no matter how brief the encounter was.

4. Sometimes men will get your number just in case their situation changes. Just in case they get bored. Curiosity can get the best of us. It’s good to get the number in case they get some random urge or reason to call you in the future. Plus, getting a woman's number is a kind of like a "trophy" to show to other immature men.

5. They just wanted a booty call and you didn’t fit the criteria, which isn’t a bad thing! Where you meet a man can sometimes determine what a guy is looking for. I don’t want to generalise but I’ve never met any of my exes in a night club. This isn’t impossible and I know people who have met their partners at raves. However how many of these relationships stand the test of time compared to meeting in a different setting. Most time when you go to a club/bar men have come out with the idea of ‘hooking up’. While you may be a great woman his mindset is in ‘hooking up’ mode. Yes he may take your number but then realise that you’re not actually what he wants at this moment in time.

6. They thought they were being polite by getting your number. Conversation’s flowing; you seem to hit it off, great similarities. Sometimes when a guy has a great time with you they feel obliged to get your phone number. I guess it seems like a kind way to end the conversation compared to a take care and goodbye. Remember not every man is as forthright and assertive as you’d like.

I guess the bottom line is, it’s no onus on the women. An attracted man will get over the game playing, the immaturity and the busy lifestyle to call you. If not then as the book/ film states he’s just no that into you.  

Why Empathy Is Important.

Empathy is an important element within all relationships. It is to emotionally put your self in the place of another. When we demonstrate it we identify with another's feelings. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings and identify them. While a lack of empathy means not understanding the feelings and emotions of a person with whom we are in a relationship. Such behaviour is responsible for relationship break ups.

To master empathy you need to have self -awareness, non judgement, listening skills and self-confidence.

I discussed self-awareness in a post earlier this year as it’s a key element within Counselling. It’s hard to sympathise with a partner’s emotion if you don’t have a sense of how you behave. This is when you’d have to look within yourself. Although you may not be able to relate to their feelings, you’d have to ask how you may feel in a similar situation. What kinds of emotions arise?

Robert Plutchik (Psychologist) identified eight basic human emotions, joy, trust, fear, surprise, anger, disgust, anticipation and sadness. From there spin many layers of human feelings. An aspect of self awareness is checking your body language. How do you react to problems, what’s your initial response, how does your partner’s tone of voice make you feel? Learning self awareness is an understanding of the above eight emotions within yourself and then envision how your partner is feeling.

If we are veering toward an empathetic nature we won’t be quick to judge. Instead we’ll try to understand where they’re coming from. If being confronted I may be inclined to respond in a defensive manner which doesn’t always help resolve a situation. I should try and study the persons intentions. E.g. If your girlfriend is nagging you because she doesn’t see you enough don’t look at it she’s trying to suffocate you. Maybe she just wants to spend more time with you. If he is critical about your weight gain maybe its not to embarrass you or be mean but because he wants to see you healthy and at your best. Taking the time to talk in a calm way can help you have empathy in the situation.

Another key component of empathy is listening. Some of us have a tendency to practice selective listening. We hear the words but don’t understand the feelings behind them. You can’t go wrong with rephrasing what you thought you heard back to your partner. For example he might say I prefer it when you roast the chicken like this. And you respond with you hate the way I cook chicken? And then he clarifies No, I just prefer it when you cook the chicken this way as I feel it’s an healthier alternative to fried chicken. How many of us really take the time to listen to what our partner is saying?

Finally whilst learning to be empathetic you have to love yourself. We’ve all heard the saying you can’t love someone else unless you learn to love yourself first. How can you respect and love another person if you don’t think highly of yourself? Empathy is about being patient, kind and ready to not always be right. Once you understand your flaws and begin to accept them your on your way to understanding others.