Break Up Sex

Break up sex is never a good idea because though it feels good while in the moment, it only delays the moving on process. It’s like continually going back to the source of pain and hoping things will get better. Or in some peoples case the relationship recommences. So many couples go through a vicious cycle of break ups to make ups and it usually starts with sex. Some reunite and try to make the relationship work whilst others make empty promises and mislead one another.

What tends to happen is a bit of time will pass and loneliness sinks in. You can’t be bothered/ don’t want to go through the process of meeting someone new. Familiarity’s great and you ex is only a phone call away. You start to speak more often and eventually decide to meet up. You have a whale of time and meet up again a few weeks later. Next thing you know you’re in bed together. Of course this isn’t the formula for every couple but I predict at least 60% of exes continue to have sex once they’ve split up.

The end of a relationship is like going cold turkey. It requires a lot of will power and wise choices to stop your emotions making hasty decisions. Once your guard is down, vulnerability sets in and this is when we’re likely to make big mistakes. Even if the decision to split was amicable, one person wanted the relationship to continue. I don’t care how convincing they are with regards to casual sex, someone’s lying and will eventually want more. One person will have higher expectations and will no doubt feel used about it all.

Some would argue there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all adults and have both stated that we’re not in a relationship but someone will want that old thing back. Unfortunately women and men think that having sex will restore the relationship. What started out as a bit of fun (which I can’t see possible when it relates to an act so intimate) is leaving you more distressed than the initial break up. Is there ever a way to keep sex emotion free? I think not. While you’re convincing yourself there’s no strings attached your only complicating things further. With sex arise unresolved issues, promises and a lot of hope.

Continuing to have sex only delays the moving on period. So many people are in denial and feel they can start a new relationship whilst still attached to their ex. It takes time and space to clear your heads without any distractions. Break up sex muddles your emotions, causes confusion and leaves you still emotionally attached. How can you possibly move on mentally/ emotionally if you’re sleeping with your ex?

In reality I know this is easier said than done but I suggest you avoid having sex with your ex!!!

6 Signs Your Partners Scared Of Commitment

Many of us will have encountered meeting that special person who can’t seem to commit. I recollect an associate of mine, in his late forties who expressed a desire to get married but couldn't commit within his relationships. Does this sound familiar? While society portrays it’s mainly men that are commitment phobes, women struggle with this issue to. Ironically the person who fears a committed relationship is the one who craves it the most. Below are a few signs that indicate the person you’re dating is scared of taking the relationship to the next level. 

1. This person wants a relationship but also wants freedom and space. They're usually attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent types. The book 'He's Just Not That showed an example of a young woman that dated a guy that wouldn't make time for her. He led a busy lifestyle and would often squeeze her in-between work and meetings. Be wary of a person that wants 100% commitment from you but can’t give the same in return. This will only lead to frustration and resentment.

2. They don't tell anyone about you. I know you don't have to profess your relationship status to the world immediately, but there comes a point when you’re nearest and dearest should know. Some people are simply private while others want to portray that there single and ready to mingle. When you’re truly happy and secure within a new relationship you can't help but tell your best friend, a family member, somebody…anybody. If after a few months he/she hasn't told at least one person about you, be concerned. This could indicate that they don't want anyone to know you exist as they’re not sure of their feelings, they’re scared or simply keeping their options open.

3. They avoid going out with you and your friends. Your friends and family will offer up thoughts about your new beau with or without your consent. They’ll also be able to see red flags that you can’t due to the love goggles. If a person doesn’t want to commit, they won’t get too involved in your world i.e. hang out with friends, getting to know your hobbies and interests, etc. Doing so will indicate some form of attachment. Attachment doesn’t bode too well with commitment phobes.  Meeting family often forces a person into addressing how they really feel. There’ll always be that aunt/ father asking so what are your intentions? Cue awkward silence…..

4. Vague about their feelings. Some folks find it difficult problem conveying their feelings and come across vague and disconnected. If they can't acknowledge how they feel through words I’d like to think their actions will speak volumes. If you’re not seeing any concrete signs of progression then maybe they just don’t care enough about you. You know within yourself when something feels a bit off. Even if you’re not ready for children, marriage or living together you should know whether you want this person in your life and whether you can be there for them wholeheartedly not when it suits you.

5. They wont allow the relationship to go and don't have any intentions of doing so. I consider this as having your cake and eating it. In other words it’s selfish, because you’re constantly putting your needs before your partners. You can’t commit to the relationship but won’t let the other person go. If you know you can’t give your other half what they want why string them along and let them fall deeper in love with you? Be wary of this as it’s all a form of control. I’ve had friends say they were optimistic and felt they could give more of themselves to the person when in reality they couldn’t. Yet they had no intention of getting out of the relationship. No one wants to be alone but its better for both parties if you just be honest.

6. They hate planning ahead because that means commitment. There was a time when I dated a guy that would not commit to any plans. The simplest proposals of going to the cinema or dinner were always greeted with I’ll let you know. Huh?!?! A simple yes or no would have suited me fine at least that way I would have known where I stood. These were all excuses he’d use because he didn’t want to go out with me. Do not be fooled by inconsistent behaviour and don’t make excuses for it. If the person you’re with constantly blows hot and cold and has you questioning whether you’re dating two different people I suggest you reflect on what’s keeping you there in the first place.

These aren't definitive guidelines but points to be aware of. Some men/ women will display bad behaviour so that you have no choice but to leave. The end result…no commitment! Then you’re left with the guilt of ending the relationship. Take the time to get to know a person, LISTEN to the words they use on a daily basis. If you choose to continue a relationship with someone who displays non committal behaviour it’s at your own risk. You’ll eventually get to a point where the good memories are replaced with bitterness.

You Can't Help Who You Love!

Do we put too much pressure on women to leave their husbands? Maybe we impose a set of high standards that none of us can guarantee we'd follow ourselves if we were put in the same situation. Footballers are  endlessly splattered in the press for their extra marital affairs. I admit when I heard the latest shenanigans with Ryan Giggs my first thought was that his wife will surely leave him now? Of course there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth and the majority of us have only heard her side thus far. None the less I was quick to formulate an opinion on the subject and vowed if it was me I'd be out the door. Once the trust is broken it can be quite a challenge to fix it especially if my partner keeps falling at the same hurdle.

I had a discussion at work with a female colleague and she made me reflect on how quick we are to judge the Wives And Girlfriends. Coolen Rooney, Toni Terry and Abbey Clancy all stood by their men. They took their vows seriously...for better or worse. I mentioned that surely you'd kick your man to the kerb if it was you. Her response was that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There's a lot more to these stories than we see/hear. I guess she has a point.

A friend of mine mentioned that the lifestyle they become accustomed too is addictive. To lead a semi normal life after a divorce from a high profile footballer must take some serious adjustment. Not to mention it must be a tad lonely. I'm guessing they have a small tight knit circle of friends and even then you have to be weary of the people you allow in your life. Not everyone will be happy for you. They may not have to work a regular 9-5, although looking after children and a house can feel like a full time job within itself . My point is you become accustomed to this life, it becomes all you know. Your family, few friends (you can really trust ) and partner are you all have. Some women would rather stay with an unfaithful man then make a break and start over, add children to the mix and a it's a different ball game.

The latest news is that Cheryl Cole has rekindled the romance with her ex husband. I can't say I'm surprised and I guess it's none of my business really. Each person has to decide for themselves what truly makes them happy and for Cheryl, Ashley seems to be a ruling factor. Some would deem her foolish for giving it another go but only she can decide what's best for her. I don't believe Cheryl ever stopped loving her ex husband this was evident in the Piers Morgan interview she did last year.

I don't think she ever wanted a divorce but crumbled under the pressure of the media, her advisers, family and friends. Whilst they're looking out for her best interests she has to make the decisions for her self. Cheryl feels that Ashley is her soul mate, this is another stumbling block in the moving on process. She can't see herself with anyone else. I think she tried to convince herself she could do that with Derek (if they were ever in a relationship). The problem is that your constantly comparing that person. Trying to force yourself to be someone your not. Pretending to be happy when silently your thoughts drift off to your ex.

We know our emotions can over rule all logic. A guy I dated when in my teens was worse than Ashley Cole. I predict he's probably slept with the whole of the city. The fact is I stayed after the rumors. Stayed when I heard he'd slept with so and so. I went back when I found out he got a another girl pregnant. Why? because I thought I was in love, I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I didn't know there were men out there that would treat me ten times better. Even though the pain hurt so bad I convinced myself that I was his number one girl. That he'd change and settle down with me. The fact is my self worth was non existent back then and there comes a point when you have to say I'm not taking this ish no mo. Yes I felt stupid, weak and naive for staying with a man who clearly didn't respect me but I convinced myself it could work. There was a constant battle between my head and emotions and my emotions won every time hence why I stayed for so long. Fortunately my every move wasn't scrutinised by the press.

It gets harder the older you get, your less willing to take risks with your heart. The idea of endless dating trying to find the right match can be tiresome. It's so much easier to stick with what you know, can't beat comfort. Plus we tend to forget the hurt that this person caused, it's been so long that all you have to cling onto is the happy times, the fond memories, the laughter, the affection and you want it back with that person...cue Ashley Cole.

Does love conquer all? Surely Cheryl know Ashley better than we do. Doesn't she deserve happiness and if Ashely is a source of that who are we to criticise? If he does hurt her again that's a risk Cheryl is clearly willing to take. As she once sang you gotta fight for this love!

Infidelity Part One.

In light of recent infidelity reports I'm going to discuss cheating over the next few weeks. For many years I was under the thesis that there is no way you can love your partner and cheat on them. My thoughts were if you cared for someone why would you do anything to intentionally hurt them. I admit my mind set was either black or white with no room for grey areas. The fact is not everyone who cheats intends to do so, especially the first time. It may sound absurd but it’s true! The truth about deception is an interesting site which raised some interesting facts. 

All infidelity is bad but I think I could cope better with a one night stand than a long time running affair where feelings become involved. I'd like to think that it wouldn't happen again and we could hopefully resolve what went wrong and move on. If it could only be so simple. Everyone’s got their reasons for why they’ve been unfaithful. So let’s look at how people make the decision to cheat.

The truth is that our emotions get the better of us. Whilst out brain says we're in a committed relationship our feelings say something different. Your emotions can get you into a whole heap of trouble if you’re not honest with yourself. They can influence your actions and have you walking down the wrong path. When it comes to our emotions there are three types involved with cheating-sexual desire, romantic love and attachment. In a nutshell most infidelity happens not because people plan it but because they find themselves in situations where their emotions overwhelm them. I always believed that when a person cheats they've planned it but that's rarely the case. It may be that they've fallen into one of the categories below. 

Forming a really close relationship with some one other than your spouse.

Spending a lot of alone time with some one else.

Being around someone who is sexually interested.

Not feeling close to your spouse.

Situations that create the sense of opportunity - the feeling that one will not get caught (e.g., meeting someone in private, out of town trips, etc.). 

Situations involving alcohol or drugs.

Some would argue it’s simple practice self restraint. Well it seems that self restraint goes out the window when placed in the above situations thanks to our emotions. Poor decisions are often made and people are left hurt. We can sometimes be naïve to what’s going around us. That person that we flirt with at work seems harmless in the office environment. However add a work party, a few drinks and who knows what might happen.

Some people are better with self control while others fool themselves into thinking they can control the situation. It’s kind of like playing with fire, keep doing it and you may get burnt. You may be able to be around someone who is sexually interested for 3 months and nothing happens. Then the next day you find yourself in each others arms. It reminds me of when you split up with an ex and you convince yourself you’d never go there again. Yet you could meet up with them after a year of not talking and all those emotions come flooding back. While it’s not the same as cheating I’m trying to illustrate that we’re not always as in control as we’d like to think.

So the best way to try and control infidelity is to avoid the situations listed above as will power does little to influence our behaviour. Some cultures don’t view will power enough of a deterrent for cheating. That controlling the situation and avoiding the above scenarios is the best way to control behaviour and I have to say I agree. If you can avoid certain environments/people/situations your less likely to cheat. In western cultures we place greater value on individual responsibility. We allow the above situations to happen but then we hold individuals accountable for their behaviour and we expect people to behave appropriately. There are going to be times when we entertain the thought of infidelity but the key is to avoid situations which bring out the worst in our behaviour.  

The Truth Behind Flirting?

Do you consider yourself a flirt, if so what type are you? According to a report there are 5 five style’s of flirting:-

•Physical: These often develop relationships quickly, have more sexual chemistry and have a greater emotional connection to partners.

•Traditional: These believe men should make the first move and women should not pursue men. Both sexes tend to be introverted.

•Polite: Less likely to approach a potential partner; aren't flattered by flirting, but do tend to have meaningful relationships.

•Sincere: Strong emotional connections and sexual chemistry; relationships are typically meaningful.

•Playful: These often flirt with little interest in a long-term romance; find flirting fun and enhancing to self-esteem.

Do people flirt because they see it as a game? Maybe it’s considered a way of being ‘friendly’, a bit of harmless fun? Is it possible for a person to not know their acting a certain way? These questions arose when a friend and I tried to define flirting and why people do it. I've been called a flirt yet I wouldn’t consider myself flirtatious. Of course I can switch the flirtation button on when ready, but I wouldn’t class responding to a guy with a giggle as flirting. I guess this is where problems arise as everyone’s got their own definition of what flirting is.

Flirting isn’t always the overt behaviour people assume i.e. a wink, hand lingering on body parts or holding of the gaze. It’s become a lot more subtle with everyday gestures; throw away comments, come and get me stance, eye movements, responses, body language and weak smile.

There are a number of reasons why people flirt. 

1. It's what they naturally do (before you start to roll your eyes) it’s true. Some people are naturally flirtatious, overtly friendly what ever you want to call it. Flirting is a part of every day communication; some cultures rely on it more heavily than others.  It becomes second nature. 
2. Some people flirt due to lack of attention. If you’re not being shown much interest at home, that woman/man complimenting your daily attire can’t help but boost your confidence. If you’re single you may flirt on a daily basis to get noticed. We’re all receptive to compliments even if we don’t receive them well. We’re beaming inside really. Plus you may find yourself a partner in the process.
3. To see if you’re still desirable. How many times have men/women flirted and it stops right there? Yes there may be an obvious attraction but it never goes any further than flirting and your both single. Some people do it just to see if they’ve still got it. 
4. Curiosity not necessarily for a new relationship, but just curious about the individual. To see how far this flirting (game) can go without stepping over the boundaries. Flirting "is a way of testing one's mate-value and the possibility of alternatives (Arthur Aaron Proff of Psychology).
5. Some people flirt out of nervousness especially when in uncomfortable settings.

I assumed that if a guy flirted with me they were interested in dating or were considering the beginning stages of relationship. I couldn't have been more wrong! People can flirt outrageously without intending anything. It doesn’t always mean they want anything from you, their just flirting. Testing the waters, seeing how far they can go. Gauging how open you’re willing to become. Flirting opens a window of potential and the outcome is not a definite yes or no. The sooner you learn this, the better.

Men in committed relationships tend to flirt with me more then the singletons. I always wondered why they felt a need to flirt so often. Not that they’ve took it any further, does this make it right? Is flirting only acceptable when you’re single? Is it a no, no once you walk down the aisle? Is flirting only intentional once you move into the verbal phase? I’ll never know the full ins and outs of flirting as the reasoning behind it is different for each individual. Thoughts! 

Why Self Reflection Is Important.

Self- Awareness is necessary within all aspects of life. In order to grow it’s essential to have an understanding of your emotions and personality traits. Throughout my course the words self- awareness has become a recurring theme. It’s imperative for counsellors to have a sense of self before they try and counsel others. I also believe it’s important for everyday life.

Self-awareness is a little like goal setting. It not only focuses on your strengths but your weaknesses. How can you expect to have good relationships if you haven’t addressed your personality traits? I.e. are you an introvert, judgemental or sensitive? What are your values, integrity, punctuality, religious beliefs? All these factors will go on to have an effect your romantic interactions if they haven’t being acknowledged let alone discussed. Whilst it won't make some of your behavioural traits acceptable it will help you and your partner have a better understanding.

After visiting my Counsellor last week she pointed out that I answer questions in a brief manner and don’t show my emotions. I got a little defensive and tried to dismiss it by not being comfortable considering it was our second meeting. Upon reflection I realised that I am selective with who I open up too. Yet I’m pretty sure in past relationships I’ve demanded great communication yet haven’t reciprocated it. This is just one of my flaws and it’s important that I acknowledge them. As there’s a danger I may push people away or have a lack of trust within relationships. Some of us choose to ignore our flaws. However in order to have successful relations you need to know your imperfections.

No ones perfect, I’m sure not and to be honest I wouldn’t want to be. But I’m pretty certain it can only help your relationships if you know how you behave. I identify that I can be moody; I love my own space, can be defensive and over sensitive at the best of times. The point is that I’m becoming more self-aware. We’ve heard the saying old habits die hard. Doesn’t mean that some of them can’t die though or at least not be so evident. Being self- aware involves a level of responsibility that some of us don’t want to admit.

When you begin to realise who you are, why you do the things you do and the way you do them. I believe that you will be more at peace with yourself and go on to have better relationships. I’m still a works in progress and this is something I’m challenged to do on a weekly basis within my course.

Do Women Settle More Than Men In Relationships?

I wrote a post a few weeks ago regarding high expectations and how they can lead to the demise of a relationship. The recurring theme was that women tend to be too picky and set their expectations too high. This week I wanted to go the other extreme…settling in relationships. It’s something both sexes do. Whilst men do settle (they just don’t admit it as much) I feel women settle more.  Some would argue it’s a necessity if you hope to settle down and start a family.

I read an interesting piece by Lisa Merlo-Booth that said women that settle end up either over shooting or under shooting. When women overshoot, they yell, control, go on and on incessantly, or make repeated empty threats. All of these are ineffective. When women undershoot, they accommodate, say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’, take whatever they’re given, and either shut down, and become resentful, or get depressed.

I’m pretty certain everyone can relate to the above statement at some stage in their life. Unfortunately when we settle in relationships we are never really happy because we’re not getting what we want and some people don’t know how to change that. I used to see a guy who was extremely busy. I would see him maybe once a week if I was lucky. He’d try and squeeze me in between meetings and his busy schedule. Whilst I wanted more and yes he knew this. I continued to settle which led to me being unhappy and frustrated with him and even more so myself.

So why do women settle more than men in relationships?

Fear/ Loneliness are big factors. You’ll be surprised what you’d consider doing when your lonely. The conversations you’ll entertain. The dates you wouldn't normally go on. The people you wouldn’t normally give the time of day too. I know someone who jumps from relationship to relationship. I believe the thought of not having somewhere there petrifies her. Some people fear being alone and the thought of Beyonce’s ‘Me, Myself and I’ would send them into hysteria.

Low self esteem some people don’t feel they can or deserve better. So when someone pays them the slightest bit of attention it may be all or nothing. Everything is riding on this relationship. It simply has to work or what have I got left? If I loose my partner I’ll be incomplete. It’s closely related to lack of confidence within ourselves. A lot of people get used to having someone around even if that person isn’t particularly good for them.

Peer Pressure Maybe because there’s more of a stigma around woman of a certain age that are single. Society dictates that you should be married with a family by a certain age. Men don’t face the same amount of pressure and don’t have to deal with a ticking body clock. I think women are more likely to cave in and settle with someone so that they can start a family.

Women are more emotional and unfortunately those feelings sometimes get in the way and cloud our better judgement. Our feelings may dictate the decisions we make resulting in us tolerating some bad choices and unhealthy relationships. Add intimacy to the equation and you mad find that you’re stuck in a relationship you’re not happy with a lot longer than you intended. We all secretly hope that the situation, relationship or the person your with will get better and patiently bade our time. Unfortunately some situations/ people don’t change and it just wasn’t meant to be.

Or maybe it’s simply because we don’t know what we want. You’d be surprised how many people get stumped when asked this question. I’m not sure if this is through lack of confidence, not knowing ourselves well or not believing we’re worthy of something good. Ask yourself what you want from a male/female and try not to reel off the generic kind, respectful, loyal. We all want that, what do ‘you’ really want from a relationship?

Of course everyone settles at some point in their life. I guess the key is to not compromise to the point of where it’s damaging to you.

Trust Your Gut Instincts

It's important that men and women trust their gut instinct. I'm not suggesting you leave a relationship over your intuition. Just pay attention because after a while that little niggling voice inside your head will get louder. I met a guy who seemed to tick enough boxes for me, but something didn't quite add up. He was very attractive, worked hard, respectful, generous, charming, blah, blah, blah. The downside was that he lied about any and everything. Now whilst I couldn't prove it I just sensed that something wasn't right. Things eventually came to a head and my suspicions were proved right.

Or maybe the time when I thought an ex boyfriend of mine was cheating. My gut instinct had been screaming for a long time to get out but I stayed way longer than I should have. Surprise, surprise my suspicions were right. Why did I ignore my gut instincts? I guess it was a fear of my intuition being true. That this guy who claimed to care would lie to me on so many levels. Sometimes we’d rather be in denial about certain things. We don’t want to acknowledge or face up to the truth that something isn’t right. Fear I may loose this 'friendship', self-doubt, fear of bring alone, all of the above.

I think intuition is vital when dating/finding love. You can just feel/sense whether someone is good for you. To be honest there were alarm bells ringing with the above characters but I chose to ignore them hoping my gut was wrong. We have all the head/ heart debate. Do I go with what I feel in my heart, or the thoughts in my head?

Another reason we sometimes ignore out gut instinct is that our emotions get in the way. They sometimes cloud our judgement and affect our intuition. It's like our minds get all hazy and we're less accurate with that gut feeling. It blinds our rational at times and whilst our instincts are saying steer clear. Our emotions are craving for everything to be ok, for things to work out fine.

I guess the key is to trust your gut instinct a bit more. On the flip side if we didn't ignore our gut instinct once in a while we may have played it too safe and avoided certain relationships which at some point gave us a tinge of happiness. Not forgetting the all important experience that is necessary to grow and make better decisions in the future.

What are your thoughts?