7 Signs Your Partners Controlling

It can be hard to detect whether you’re in a controlling relationship, by the time you realise you’re often in too deep. Majority of relationships start off sweet with the romantic gestures and each person on their best behaviour. The honeymoon period is also the rose tinted glasses stage as we don't really know the person we're dating properly. We put on a charade and are guarded with the information and feelings we show.

I’ve witnessed many friends who’ve fallen victim to controlling partners and are still dealing with the consequences now. Some of them don’t trust their current partners who don’t display controlling tendencies. One friend even mentioned that she will test her partner by asking certain questions to test his response. When he reacts normally she is somewhat confused as her last relationship has scarred her into believing that all men are controlling. 

I used to work with a young lady whose husband would drop her off and pick her up from work EVERYDAY!!! Initially I thought how sweet why doesn’t my BF at the time do that? In hindsight I realised it was actually a form of control. He didn’t trust her and wanted to check her every move, she confirmed my theory with stories of her husband’s behaviour. Being protective is one thing but when it veers towards bizarre behaviour it gets a little scary.

People with extreme controlling tendencies are very manipulative. They're usually highly intelligent  with very low self- esteem. They mask their lack of true confidence with an overt confidence or arrogant bravado. They key is that the establishment of control is very subtle and often occurs over time. I'm in the second year of my Counselling Course and we're delving into mental issues and personality disorders. I recently read a piece on mental health and it touched on Controlling Behaviour. Here are a few signs you may be dating a controlling partner. 

1. Most controllers will have a temper. I met a guy that would switch at a click of the fingers. I honestly thought he was taking some form of drug or had some serious issues (which he has). All jokes aside when you’re around this kind of behaviour you don’t know where you stand. It's like dating Jekyll and Hyde. You’re not sure which character you’ll encounter from one day to the next and no one wants to feel like this in a relationship. If your partner gets violent with others, the wall, etc. There’s a high probability they may turn that violence onto you. This behaviour will undoubtedly intimidate you regardless how much they assure you they would never be violent towards you. 

2. Killing Your Self- Confidence. A controller will repeatedly put you down even if its subtlety. They’ll make you feel less intelligent, inferior, and less attractive. It leaves you questioning yourself and wondering if what they are saying is true. They slowly eat away at your confidence and self-esteem. This in return allows you to believe you should be treated in a disrespectful way and your self- worth has devalued. 

3. Always Your Fault. If you never argued back, if you’d hurried up in the bathroom you wouldn’t be late for the cinema. A controller does not take personal responsibility for their actions. Someone else is to blame for why they acted violent and why they resorted to verbal or physical abusive. 

4. Nothing You Do Is Ever Good Enough. It could be that you don’t call enough, aren’t supportive enough, don’t’ say I love you enough. They’ve made all these sacrifices for you yet you don’t do enough in return. I believe a loving partner doesn’t give to receive and don't measure their sacrifices on comparison. This is another way of destroying your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Cutting off Your Support. My friend’s boyfriend at the time got her to a place where we couldn’t get hold of her. He’d lock her in the house and take her phone with him. In order to control her fully he had to cut off her support group i.e. family and friends. Why? Because we could influence her behaviour and try to make her see that this guy is not right for you. This is not rational behaviour and very extreme but you'd be surprised what people will do. Remember I stated that controllers are very manipulative and will often tell you things that aren’t true. I.e. if your mom really loved me she’d accept our relationship. 

6. Break Up Panic. A controller panics at the idea of a break up if they didn't initiate it. Be prepared to see your partner break down in tears, promising to change and pleading you not to go. Some people will go as far as to threaten suicide to make you feel like you’re responsible for their decisions. They will shower you with phone calls and visits and insist on letting everybody know how much they love you. This behaviour is in aid to keep you a prisoner emotionally. I read this great quote by Joseph M. Carver, PH.D, Psychologist

‘Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back, you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of Controller - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.’

7. No Hobbies. The last thing a controller wants is for you to have any outside interests that don’t involve them. They’ll encourage you to drop any fun activities as it doesn’t involve them. They'll probably guilt trip you into dropping such activities. I.e. it isn’t good for you or it’s taking you away from quality time with them and the family.

These are just a few examples of the types of behaviour a controller will display. This behaviour will end up making you feel crazy and doubting yourself. Your confidence will have hit rock bottom and your self- worth is no more. People often get so caught in the effects of physical abuse which controlling behaviour often leads too and disregard the physiological damage.

6 Lesson Learned Following A Break- Up

There can be a silver lining after a break up. A few of my friends have insisted that their relationships were a waste of time. I too am guilty of seriously questioning what it is that I saw in my exes. I felt that my time had been wasted and it couldn't have meant anything as it didn't last. In hindsight I became more self-aware, learnt my strengths and weaknesses and discovered what I want from a relationship. I read an interesting piece in Glamour recently and wanted to share what I took away from the article. Here are 6 lessons you’ll learn from your previous relationships.

1. You discover what you will and won’t tolerate. Whether it’s abusive behaviour (mentally, physically) a disrespectful partner or someone who cheats. Once you’ve gotten over the heartbreak you can determine what kind of behaviour you’ll accept in future relationships. I guarantee everyone has made a mental note of certain behaviours they don’t want rein acted in future relationships.

On the flip side you’ll also remember the good treatment you received whether you had a man who was chivalrous (yes they do still exist), showered you with compliments. Or communicated well and hope to find some of those qualities in the next person you date.

2. What you really want out of a relationship? Deal breakers vary for each individual but there comes a time when you need to know what you are willing to compromise on. Are you a person that wants to get married before having children? Are you willing to move country for a job? Does your partner need to have the same religious beliefs? Ideally these are the kind of questions that need to be asked before embarking on a serious relationship. Hence the importance of knowing what YOU want out a relationship and what you can offer in return.

3. The Blame Game as Kanye West sang.  Once the anger and animosity has departed you can take some time to reflect on the role you played within the relationship. We all make mistakes and a mature person will take the time to reflect on their actions and how they may change them in future partnerships.  Even if you weren’t to blame for the split I’m sure there are things you could have done differently.  I.e. been more supportive, more trusting, stop being so critical, compromised more. There's always room for improvement within us.

4. Trust your intuition, if only I’d taken heed to my own advice it would have saved me some heartbreak but would have also prevented certain experiences that have enabled me to grow. That nagging feeling in your gut is often your sub conscious trying to warn you that something doesn’t feel right.  In future if something feels wrong you may make the decision to follow it up.

5. Most women want to make the relationship work and will walk over hot coal to try and save it. However some relationships aren’t worth fighting for. Yes we want there to be a happy ending. We don’t want to be alone and the dating process can be long and tedious but if the underlying feeling is you’re unhappy then maybe it’s time to call it a day. There’s nothing wrong with calling it quits if it’s compromising your happiness.

6. You really can’t change people! We hear this time and time again but people still go into relationships thinking/hoping their partner will change.  Whether your man eats, breathes, sleeps computer games or refuses to help with the house work. You have to decide whether he’s not for you and you go your separate ways or to accept him flaws and all. It won’t help the relationship if the behaviours you accepted in the beginning are suddenly a problem 6 months down the line. Keep your expectations in check.

Why Do Women Try To Change Men?

I guarantee every woman has tried to change their boyfriend/husband at some point in their life. I.e. the continued insistence that he throw away those brown shoes you loathe so much. Or the fact that you don’t like his current hair style and continually try to persuade him to change it back. Although some may see these are minor examples it can still be perceived as trying to change your partner.

Then there’s the extreme case when you’re dating a person notorious for cheating yet you think that by being with you he might change his ways. There’s a lot of hope riding on ‘might’. Or maybe your controlling nature has become too much. I guarantee this will have the opposite effect. If they do change it won’t last long and will only build feelings of resentment. Your partner will feel they have to suppress their real self and the behaviours you can’t stand will slowly creep back into place.

Surely when we get together with a person we’re supposed to love them for who they are in their current state. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a persons potential but don’t get with a person purely based on it. There should be strong characteristics that you like not solely what this person could become. You'll constantly have an expectation of what your partner should be like and how they should behave. When they don't match your expectations and you don't see the changes quick enough problems arise. Been there, done that, brought the t-shirt and have now burnt it.

Why would you want to change your partner? Is it because we don’t want to accept what’s right in front of us. We as women have a hard time accepting what our eyes see. Our hearts sometimes override the obvious. We sugar coat situations and live in a state of denial. We convince ourselves that we can change this person for the better. Have you considered they may not want to change?

We feel that with enough love and attention this person will change. The rewards of our heroic efforts are that he’ll appreciate me, settle down, change and we’ll live happily ever after. We believe the nagging, or the art of manipulation will cause our partners to change their ways. The problem with this is that you can't change people. I know you like to believe that you can with time but trust me you can't.

Is it because women are nurturers by nature and try to see the good in everybody? Who knows you could be playing the role of girlfriend and mother in one. Some men are more than happy with this set up. If I can sweet talk you into thinking I’ll change then I’ll run with it. There are some men who want to be mothered. Then super woman arrives thinking she can change him only to be left disappointed. Some women create a cycle that just repeats itself in the kind of man that they are drawn towards with the same results over and over again.  

You rushed into things. Hurried along with the dating process and didn’t take the time to know the person properly. Didn’t ask those all important questions. Rushed into intimacy and now your emotions are clouding your judgements. Your partner is not the person you thought he/she’d be. You thought that once you entered the relationship phase things would change. He didn’t want to spend hours on the phone before but surely he will now we’re in a relationship. He wouldn’t show P.D.A but now there’s a level of intimacy he will right?

Everybody wants to feel sought after, appreciated and loved. All your efforts of trying to change him start a state of dependency. You love being the crutch for your man and don’t mind as long as he changes in the process.

Is it out of fear? If you can’t change your spouse the underlying issue is that you may not be happy in the long run. With that conclusion big decisions have to be made. Do you stay and accept your partner for who they are or leave due to your neediness to control.

The way that is a person has been formed over time. Old habits are hard to change, even subtle bending can prove difficult.  You can’t expect to come into someones life and enforce changes. If you do then maybe you shouldn’t be with them?