You Can't Help Who You Love!

Do we put too much pressure on women to leave their husbands? Maybe we impose a set of high standards that none of us can guarantee we'd follow ourselves if we were put in the same situation. Footballers are  endlessly splattered in the press for their extra marital affairs. I admit when I heard the latest shenanigans with Ryan Giggs my first thought was that his wife will surely leave him now? Of course there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth and the majority of us have only heard her side thus far. None the less I was quick to formulate an opinion on the subject and vowed if it was me I'd be out the door. Once the trust is broken it can be quite a challenge to fix it especially if my partner keeps falling at the same hurdle.

I had a discussion at work with a female colleague and she made me reflect on how quick we are to judge the Wives And Girlfriends. Coolen Rooney, Toni Terry and Abbey Clancy all stood by their men. They took their vows seriously...for better or worse. I mentioned that surely you'd kick your man to the kerb if it was you. Her response was that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There's a lot more to these stories than we see/hear. I guess she has a point.

A friend of mine mentioned that the lifestyle they become accustomed too is addictive. To lead a semi normal life after a divorce from a high profile footballer must take some serious adjustment. Not to mention it must be a tad lonely. I'm guessing they have a small tight knit circle of friends and even then you have to be weary of the people you allow in your life. Not everyone will be happy for you. They may not have to work a regular 9-5, although looking after children and a house can feel like a full time job within itself . My point is you become accustomed to this life, it becomes all you know. Your family, few friends (you can really trust ) and partner are you all have. Some women would rather stay with an unfaithful man then make a break and start over, add children to the mix and a it's a different ball game.

The latest news is that Cheryl Cole has rekindled the romance with her ex husband. I can't say I'm surprised and I guess it's none of my business really. Each person has to decide for themselves what truly makes them happy and for Cheryl, Ashley seems to be a ruling factor. Some would deem her foolish for giving it another go but only she can decide what's best for her. I don't believe Cheryl ever stopped loving her ex husband this was evident in the Piers Morgan interview she did last year.

I don't think she ever wanted a divorce but crumbled under the pressure of the media, her advisers, family and friends. Whilst they're looking out for her best interests she has to make the decisions for her self. Cheryl feels that Ashley is her soul mate, this is another stumbling block in the moving on process. She can't see herself with anyone else. I think she tried to convince herself she could do that with Derek (if they were ever in a relationship). The problem is that your constantly comparing that person. Trying to force yourself to be someone your not. Pretending to be happy when silently your thoughts drift off to your ex.

We know our emotions can over rule all logic. A guy I dated when in my teens was worse than Ashley Cole. I predict he's probably slept with the whole of the city. The fact is I stayed after the rumors. Stayed when I heard he'd slept with so and so. I went back when I found out he got a another girl pregnant. Why? because I thought I was in love, I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I didn't know there were men out there that would treat me ten times better. Even though the pain hurt so bad I convinced myself that I was his number one girl. That he'd change and settle down with me. The fact is my self worth was non existent back then and there comes a point when you have to say I'm not taking this ish no mo. Yes I felt stupid, weak and naive for staying with a man who clearly didn't respect me but I convinced myself it could work. There was a constant battle between my head and emotions and my emotions won every time hence why I stayed for so long. Fortunately my every move wasn't scrutinised by the press.

It gets harder the older you get, your less willing to take risks with your heart. The idea of endless dating trying to find the right match can be tiresome. It's so much easier to stick with what you know, can't beat comfort. Plus we tend to forget the hurt that this person caused, it's been so long that all you have to cling onto is the happy times, the fond memories, the laughter, the affection and you want it back with that person...cue Ashley Cole.

Does love conquer all? Surely Cheryl know Ashley better than we do. Doesn't she deserve happiness and if Ashely is a source of that who are we to criticise? If he does hurt her again that's a risk Cheryl is clearly willing to take. As she once sang you gotta fight for this love!

Do Women Settle More Than Men In Relationships?

I wrote a post a few weeks ago regarding high expectations and how they can lead to the demise of a relationship. The recurring theme was that women tend to be too picky and set their expectations too high. This week I wanted to go the other extreme…settling in relationships. It’s something both sexes do. Whilst men do settle (they just don’t admit it as much) I feel women settle more.  Some would argue it’s a necessity if you hope to settle down and start a family.

I read an interesting piece by Lisa Merlo-Booth that said women that settle end up either over shooting or under shooting. When women overshoot, they yell, control, go on and on incessantly, or make repeated empty threats. All of these are ineffective. When women undershoot, they accommodate, say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’, take whatever they’re given, and either shut down, and become resentful, or get depressed.

I’m pretty certain everyone can relate to the above statement at some stage in their life. Unfortunately when we settle in relationships we are never really happy because we’re not getting what we want and some people don’t know how to change that. I used to see a guy who was extremely busy. I would see him maybe once a week if I was lucky. He’d try and squeeze me in between meetings and his busy schedule. Whilst I wanted more and yes he knew this. I continued to settle which led to me being unhappy and frustrated with him and even more so myself.

So why do women settle more than men in relationships?

Fear/ Loneliness are big factors. You’ll be surprised what you’d consider doing when your lonely. The conversations you’ll entertain. The dates you wouldn't normally go on. The people you wouldn’t normally give the time of day too. I know someone who jumps from relationship to relationship. I believe the thought of not having somewhere there petrifies her. Some people fear being alone and the thought of Beyonce’s ‘Me, Myself and I’ would send them into hysteria.

Low self esteem some people don’t feel they can or deserve better. So when someone pays them the slightest bit of attention it may be all or nothing. Everything is riding on this relationship. It simply has to work or what have I got left? If I loose my partner I’ll be incomplete. It’s closely related to lack of confidence within ourselves. A lot of people get used to having someone around even if that person isn’t particularly good for them.

Peer Pressure Maybe because there’s more of a stigma around woman of a certain age that are single. Society dictates that you should be married with a family by a certain age. Men don’t face the same amount of pressure and don’t have to deal with a ticking body clock. I think women are more likely to cave in and settle with someone so that they can start a family.

Women are more emotional and unfortunately those feelings sometimes get in the way and cloud our better judgement. Our feelings may dictate the decisions we make resulting in us tolerating some bad choices and unhealthy relationships. Add intimacy to the equation and you mad find that you’re stuck in a relationship you’re not happy with a lot longer than you intended. We all secretly hope that the situation, relationship or the person your with will get better and patiently bade our time. Unfortunately some situations/ people don’t change and it just wasn’t meant to be.

Or maybe it’s simply because we don’t know what we want. You’d be surprised how many people get stumped when asked this question. I’m not sure if this is through lack of confidence, not knowing ourselves well or not believing we’re worthy of something good. Ask yourself what you want from a male/female and try not to reel off the generic kind, respectful, loyal. We all want that, what do ‘you’ really want from a relationship?

Of course everyone settles at some point in their life. I guess the key is to not compromise to the point of where it’s damaging to you.