It's So Hard To Say Goodbye.

Ending a relationship is never easy. The fact that things have come to an end along with the upheaval of emotions makes it hard. Honesty is the best policy but it can be difficult trying to figure out a way to avoid a lot of damage. The majority of breakups involve one partner who isn't quite ready for the relationship to end. This only reinforces my assumption that no break up is amicable. It doesn't mean things always turn nasty but I doubt both parties wanted the relationship to end. 


I believe fear is the main reason individuals stay in unhealthy relationships. We hate the thought of being alone. Even when our mate no longer makes us happy and we've grown apart we'd rather stay within our comfort zone than face the unknown. Fear will keep us rooted in unhappy relationships longer than necessary and will prevent you from moving forward in life. 

People change, grow apart and life has its fair share of challenges. We often view the end of a relationship as a failure, I certainly have. In fact we shouldn’t look it at it this way because this person once made you happy (I hope they did). Everything you gained, the good and the bad was an experience. It helped you grow and shaped you into the person you've become. Life is about moving forward and sometimes that person you were romantically involved with isn’t part of the deal. There's so much personal growth off the back of a relationship ending but we are so distraught at the time we can’t see it.  It’s such a cliché saying but TIME is definitely a healer.

This leads me onto the point that people heal and move on at different rates. Have some consideration for your ex, especially if you’re the person ending the relationship. Remember you’ve had time to digest the relationship ending and just had to muster up the courage to vocalise your decision. You’re soon to be ex-partner may not be aware of your feelings and this news will hit them hard. A level of grieving and empathy is essential before acceptance and understanding can begin.

It's essential that you’re honest with yourself and your partner. What qualities are you looking for and what qualities can you provide. If these qualities aren't being met then you shouldn't compromise your happiness. Calling it a day is never easy but it’s essential that you be kind, clear and firm. Once you’ve made the decision act on it, delaying it will only cause further heart ache. 

4 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Man.

Madame Noire published a post on things a woman shouldn’t say to her boyfriend. We know there's certain statements that will push your partner over the edge and have them behaving in an unrecognisable manner. Yet our tongues can get the best of us and we end up saying things we don’t mean.

Communication is vital within everyday relationships and it’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it that makes the difference. We often talk about tones within Counselling. The tone of the client and counsellor often reveals the true and sometimes hidden feelings behind what’s being said. We are taught to pick up on the silent language of what isn’t stated within a session. Research has found that 55 % of the impression people form of you is based on your postures, body movements and gestures. 38 % is based on the tone of your voice (tempo and frequency) and only 7% is based on what you say.

Here are four things you shouldn’t say to your boyfriend.

1. Any comparisons to exes are an ultimate no, no.

This sounds like common sense right? You’d be surprised what people say out of spite or simply because they haven’t thought it through. Some folks can be insensitive and before you know it the words my ex used to do so and so has rolled off their tongue. No man wants to think of his current girlfriend in any form with another man. To compare him to your ex is like rubbing salt in an open wound.

Whilst I’m on the subject of comparisons don’t compare your man to your friend’s partners. This behaviour will have him questioning him why you’re in the relationship. I for one wouldn’t want to be with a guy who constantly compares my actions and behaviour. Not only is it disheartening but it would dent my self-esteem.

2. Constantly throwing ultimatums.

No one wants to be threatened with if you don’t fix up I’m leaving. No amount of manipulation will get him to change. Giving him ultimatums can be viewed as childish and you don’t want to resort to such acts of desperation. Ultimatums push people into a corner and leads to defensiveness. It also puts a lot of pressure on both parties.

You have to ask why you feel the need to resort to such demands. Is it a form of control? Maybe your relationship is the one area you feel you can regulate. Or does it stem from a lack of confidence? This behaviour will have a negative effect and may result in your partner digging his heels in further and no changes being made. Or he may actually call your bluff and tell you to leave…..ouch!

3. Speaking negatively all the time

It doesn’t take a genius to know that if you’re constantly belittling and speaking negatively then it will have a negative effect emotionally and mentally. People react to things differently and this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I.e. I won’t bother cooking the dinner tonight as she’ll only complain about what I’ve cooked and how long it’s taken. .

This behaviour again leads to defensiveness and could resort in him barking back at you. It sends out the signal that you’re not happy with him or the relationship and will eventually result in your boyfriend not listening to you anymore as everything you say is negative. Some of us like to say bad things but when we're on the receiving end it doesn't feel so nice. 

4. Just leave it I’ll do it myself.

We all have set ways of doing things but before you utter these words think about why you’re so frustrated? Let’s say your boyfriend is loading the dishwasher but he’s taking too long in your opinion and he doesn’t rinse the plates first. Now these are minor things because the end result is that the dishwasher is being loaded and he’s helping around the house. Men like to feel like the provider and you demeaning him in such a way will have a negative effect. He may question what his role is around the house as you've taken on the role of superwoman. You can’t have it all. You want him to help you out, yet you moan when he does it and utter the above words. Make your mind up!

Break Up Sex

Break up sex is never a good idea because though it feels good while in the moment, it only delays the moving on process. It’s like continually going back to the source of pain and hoping things will get better. Or in some peoples case the relationship recommences. So many couples go through a vicious cycle of break ups to make ups and it usually starts with sex. Some reunite and try to make the relationship work whilst others make empty promises and mislead one another.

What tends to happen is a bit of time will pass and loneliness sinks in. You can’t be bothered/ don’t want to go through the process of meeting someone new. Familiarity’s great and you ex is only a phone call away. You start to speak more often and eventually decide to meet up. You have a whale of time and meet up again a few weeks later. Next thing you know you’re in bed together. Of course this isn’t the formula for every couple but I predict at least 60% of exes continue to have sex once they’ve split up.

The end of a relationship is like going cold turkey. It requires a lot of will power and wise choices to stop your emotions making hasty decisions. Once your guard is down, vulnerability sets in and this is when we’re likely to make big mistakes. Even if the decision to split was amicable, one person wanted the relationship to continue. I don’t care how convincing they are with regards to casual sex, someone’s lying and will eventually want more. One person will have higher expectations and will no doubt feel used about it all.

Some would argue there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all adults and have both stated that we’re not in a relationship but someone will want that old thing back. Unfortunately women and men think that having sex will restore the relationship. What started out as a bit of fun (which I can’t see possible when it relates to an act so intimate) is leaving you more distressed than the initial break up. Is there ever a way to keep sex emotion free? I think not. While you’re convincing yourself there’s no strings attached your only complicating things further. With sex arise unresolved issues, promises and a lot of hope.

Continuing to have sex only delays the moving on period. So many people are in denial and feel they can start a new relationship whilst still attached to their ex. It takes time and space to clear your heads without any distractions. Break up sex muddles your emotions, causes confusion and leaves you still emotionally attached. How can you possibly move on mentally/ emotionally if you’re sleeping with your ex?

In reality I know this is easier said than done but I suggest you avoid having sex with your ex!!!

6 Signs Your Partners Scared Of Commitment

Many of us will have encountered meeting that special person who can’t seem to commit. I recollect an associate of mine, in his late forties who expressed a desire to get married but couldn't commit within his relationships. Does this sound familiar? While society portrays it’s mainly men that are commitment phobes, women struggle with this issue to. Ironically the person who fears a committed relationship is the one who craves it the most. Below are a few signs that indicate the person you’re dating is scared of taking the relationship to the next level. 

1. This person wants a relationship but also wants freedom and space. They're usually attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent types. The book 'He's Just Not That showed an example of a young woman that dated a guy that wouldn't make time for her. He led a busy lifestyle and would often squeeze her in-between work and meetings. Be wary of a person that wants 100% commitment from you but can’t give the same in return. This will only lead to frustration and resentment.

2. They don't tell anyone about you. I know you don't have to profess your relationship status to the world immediately, but there comes a point when you’re nearest and dearest should know. Some people are simply private while others want to portray that there single and ready to mingle. When you’re truly happy and secure within a new relationship you can't help but tell your best friend, a family member, somebody…anybody. If after a few months he/she hasn't told at least one person about you, be concerned. This could indicate that they don't want anyone to know you exist as they’re not sure of their feelings, they’re scared or simply keeping their options open.

3. They avoid going out with you and your friends. Your friends and family will offer up thoughts about your new beau with or without your consent. They’ll also be able to see red flags that you can’t due to the love goggles. If a person doesn’t want to commit, they won’t get too involved in your world i.e. hang out with friends, getting to know your hobbies and interests, etc. Doing so will indicate some form of attachment. Attachment doesn’t bode too well with commitment phobes.  Meeting family often forces a person into addressing how they really feel. There’ll always be that aunt/ father asking so what are your intentions? Cue awkward silence…..

4. Vague about their feelings. Some folks find it difficult problem conveying their feelings and come across vague and disconnected. If they can't acknowledge how they feel through words I’d like to think their actions will speak volumes. If you’re not seeing any concrete signs of progression then maybe they just don’t care enough about you. You know within yourself when something feels a bit off. Even if you’re not ready for children, marriage or living together you should know whether you want this person in your life and whether you can be there for them wholeheartedly not when it suits you.

5. They wont allow the relationship to go and don't have any intentions of doing so. I consider this as having your cake and eating it. In other words it’s selfish, because you’re constantly putting your needs before your partners. You can’t commit to the relationship but won’t let the other person go. If you know you can’t give your other half what they want why string them along and let them fall deeper in love with you? Be wary of this as it’s all a form of control. I’ve had friends say they were optimistic and felt they could give more of themselves to the person when in reality they couldn’t. Yet they had no intention of getting out of the relationship. No one wants to be alone but its better for both parties if you just be honest.

6. They hate planning ahead because that means commitment. There was a time when I dated a guy that would not commit to any plans. The simplest proposals of going to the cinema or dinner were always greeted with I’ll let you know. Huh?!?! A simple yes or no would have suited me fine at least that way I would have known where I stood. These were all excuses he’d use because he didn’t want to go out with me. Do not be fooled by inconsistent behaviour and don’t make excuses for it. If the person you’re with constantly blows hot and cold and has you questioning whether you’re dating two different people I suggest you reflect on what’s keeping you there in the first place.

These aren't definitive guidelines but points to be aware of. Some men/ women will display bad behaviour so that you have no choice but to leave. The end result…no commitment! Then you’re left with the guilt of ending the relationship. Take the time to get to know a person, LISTEN to the words they use on a daily basis. If you choose to continue a relationship with someone who displays non committal behaviour it’s at your own risk. You’ll eventually get to a point where the good memories are replaced with bitterness.