Why Do Women Try To Change Men?

I guarantee every woman has tried to change their boyfriend/husband at some point in their life. I.e. the continued insistence that he throw away those brown shoes you loathe so much. Or the fact that you don’t like his current hair style and continually try to persuade him to change it back. Although some may see these are minor examples it can still be perceived as trying to change your partner.

Then there’s the extreme case when you’re dating a person notorious for cheating yet you think that by being with you he might change his ways. There’s a lot of hope riding on ‘might’. Or maybe your controlling nature has become too much. I guarantee this will have the opposite effect. If they do change it won’t last long and will only build feelings of resentment. Your partner will feel they have to suppress their real self and the behaviours you can’t stand will slowly creep back into place.

Surely when we get together with a person we’re supposed to love them for who they are in their current state. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a persons potential but don’t get with a person purely based on it. There should be strong characteristics that you like not solely what this person could become. You'll constantly have an expectation of what your partner should be like and how they should behave. When they don't match your expectations and you don't see the changes quick enough problems arise. Been there, done that, brought the t-shirt and have now burnt it.

Why would you want to change your partner? Is it because we don’t want to accept what’s right in front of us. We as women have a hard time accepting what our eyes see. Our hearts sometimes override the obvious. We sugar coat situations and live in a state of denial. We convince ourselves that we can change this person for the better. Have you considered they may not want to change?

We feel that with enough love and attention this person will change. The rewards of our heroic efforts are that he’ll appreciate me, settle down, change and we’ll live happily ever after. We believe the nagging, or the art of manipulation will cause our partners to change their ways. The problem with this is that you can't change people. I know you like to believe that you can with time but trust me you can't.

Is it because women are nurturers by nature and try to see the good in everybody? Who knows you could be playing the role of girlfriend and mother in one. Some men are more than happy with this set up. If I can sweet talk you into thinking I’ll change then I’ll run with it. There are some men who want to be mothered. Then super woman arrives thinking she can change him only to be left disappointed. Some women create a cycle that just repeats itself in the kind of man that they are drawn towards with the same results over and over again.  

You rushed into things. Hurried along with the dating process and didn’t take the time to know the person properly. Didn’t ask those all important questions. Rushed into intimacy and now your emotions are clouding your judgements. Your partner is not the person you thought he/she’d be. You thought that once you entered the relationship phase things would change. He didn’t want to spend hours on the phone before but surely he will now we’re in a relationship. He wouldn’t show P.D.A but now there’s a level of intimacy he will right?

Everybody wants to feel sought after, appreciated and loved. All your efforts of trying to change him start a state of dependency. You love being the crutch for your man and don’t mind as long as he changes in the process.

Is it out of fear? If you can’t change your spouse the underlying issue is that you may not be happy in the long run. With that conclusion big decisions have to be made. Do you stay and accept your partner for who they are or leave due to your neediness to control.

The way that is a person has been formed over time. Old habits are hard to change, even subtle bending can prove difficult.  You can’t expect to come into someones life and enforce changes. If you do then maybe you shouldn’t be with them?

5 Reasons Men Hate Dating.

There seems to be a recurring theme that men hate dating. I’m certain that everybody has felt uncomfortable with dating at some point in their lives, but I really want to focus on the man dem. I always presumed men who weren't in a committed relationship would embrace their freedom and date until their hearts content. If they enjoy being single and aren't looking for serious commitment then dating is a fun way to meet new people and fill that quiet Friday/ Saturday night time right?

We've all experienced that one uncomfortable question that we didn’t really want to answer on a date. Then there’s the awkward silence….hmmmmmm. The discomfort of not wanting to look at person sitting opposite you and trying to act like your perfectly comfortable with the situation. All of the above will vary depending on how well you know the person and the environment. Here are 5 reasons men don’t enjoy dating….

1. We all have a tendency to be impatient, women in particular. When we reach a certain age feel the pressures of settling down and starting a family becomes immense. Majority of the time we’ve already established that the person we’re dating is someone we’d want to enter a relationship with. We don’t always take the time to get to know someone as best as possible and rush the process. Hence some women attach themselves too quickly to a man who isn’t good for them. This behaviour can be off putting. While some men would jump at this, others may run a mile. Before everyone starts attacking me I know this works both ways. Men get attached too but remember this post is meant to be from a male perspective.

2. It’s taken too seriously.  I don’t believe men view dating as acutely as women. We will examine everything he does, things he says, his body language, etc. I feel from the get go we’re wondering does he want a relationship with me? When’s the next date? A man can always tell when a woman wants a relationship. Men go in with a more light hearted approach. The first stages of dating are not that serious! It’s an opportunity to get to know each other better and have fun. No ones talking about marriage just yet. Expectations tend to sneak in time and time again and can indirectly ruin a good occasion.   

3. It can work out to be expensive!  Now we’re living in modern times where women are open to pay halves, her way what ever. However I’m pretty sure if you’re going to continue initiating the dates there’s going to be some pressure on you to pay. Most men know that women place a high value on how a potential partner treats them from the get go. Where you go, how often you meet and your income stream will determine how costly it becomes. No one likes things done half baked. The guy you’re dating may be at a bad place financially through no fault of his own. Things happen! He’d like to take you out regularly but funds will not permit. Not all men are forthright to confess their financial situation with a woman they don’t know you that well.

4. Men are always expected to initiate (I'll explore this further in a future post). Women are becoming bold and are inclined to ask men out too, but the onus will always be on the man. You were handed that responsibility from day one. Don’t know why that’s just how it goes. Contrary to popular belief not all men are bold enough to ask you out. This is an additional headache to the whole dating process. It doesn't help that there's a stigma attached to women who ask men out.  Some females feel that men are getting the pleasure of their time plus a few benefits. Which leads onto my final point.

5. I’m not guaranteed any intimacy. Sorry to be so blunt but this is The Real Talk! Not every person you date is looking for a relationship. Some men want a person they can be intimate with no strings attached. Some women want this too and will style it out by going on a few dates so their not perceived as easy.....it’s true! There aren’t any guarantees that a man will get that level of closeness making the dating process monotonous and a waste of time. I’ve paid for all those meals and not even a kiss? What?!?!?!?  

I’m not suggesting that all men hate dating, some women hate it too. Is it because as soon as we hear the word ‘date’ there’s a level of expectancy? Do we feel we have to act a certain way and get into some form of role play? That we can't control the situation and feel we have to guess peoples intentions. Or is it simply that we’re dating the wrong people? 

Should You Get Back With Your Ex?

It's a scenario we've all encountered. We split up with our partner and begin to wander whether the right decisions were made. Getting back with your ex can seem like the greatest thing at first, the butterflies and no more lonely nights. What often happens is once the honey moon period dies down the same problems that drove you both apart resurface. Just because you miss someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together.

Splitting up with someone a second time round can be more painful than the first. You get used to your own space and independence again. You've put those emotions to one side and can slowly hear your exes name without feeling uncomfortable.

I recall when I split up with an ex a feeling of extreme loneliness, wandering what I was going to do with myself. The little things you take for granted, speaking on a regular basis. Those summer days in the park, etc. The relationship ended for a number of reasons plus the fact that we just got on each others nerves. Never the less a few years later we started talking again, began to meet up and decided to give things another shot. Surprise, surprise a few months later the problems re-emerged. The underlying issues were still their and couldn't be smoothed over. We'd grown apart and wanted different things from life. The physical/ emotional attraction simply wasn't enough.

Before jumping back into a relationship with your ex there’s a few things you need to ask yourself.

Is it jealousy? Your ex has moved on and started a new relationship, yet you’re still pining over him. All the things that worked your last nerve your willing to bypass as long as he’s not with someone else. I wouldn’t recommend this. We often reminisce on the good times and push the negatives to the back of our mind. The same issues that split you up the first time round will more than likely arise. Depending on how long you've been separated and the reasoning behind the relationship breakdown.

Then there’s the daunting idea of dating again. After being in a relationship we sometimes forget about how long the dating process can be. It can prove difficult to meet like minded new people. Getting back with an ex can be deemed as the lazy option. You’re comfortable, it’s easy. You know each other well and while this person may not make you happy. Some people would rather this alternative than getting to know someone new.

Is it a case of loneliness? It takes time adjusting to your own space again. I know a few people that would rather be in a destructive relationship than alone. This is never a good reason to take someone back. If you cant face being alone then you need to address why that is. Being by your self isn’t such a bad thing. It gives you space to grow in confidence. You learn more about your character and what it is you want from life etc.

Of course things aren’t always black and white. There are a number of factors why people decide to end their relationships. Some people get back with their exes and live happily ever after. Just be warned that second time relationship will take a lot of hard work and honesty.