Why You're Not Married Continued.

A friend of mine alerted me to an article which has garnered a lot of attention. Tracy McMillan wrote an excellent piece in The Huffington Post which looked at why you’re not married. She believed it’s not men’s fault but we women are to blame! Initially I thought hang on……surely us females aren’t to blame for why we don’t have a ring on our finger. After reading her views I discovered she had some interesting things to say considering she’d been married 3 times. Here are her main points with my interpretation. Whilst I don’t agree with the titles she gave for each point the underlying theme made sense.

1.     You’re a bitch! Her definition is that you’re angry. Now I’m pretty sure if people were asked to describe me angry would not be on the list. Or would it? I never considered my self to be one of these angry females. Not until an ex brought it to my attention. He stated that my anger wasn’t very endearing….WHAT?!?!? Me and my defensive self found this accusation very hard to swallow.

People assume that because their not angry in social settings that they can’t be angry in a relationship (our anger is often rooted in pride). I’m generally not an angry person but once in a relationship I confess my expectations get the best of me sometimes. I don’t communicate effectively; this in return turns to frustration as I feel my partner isn’t listening to my needs. Like a volcano I erupt! Plus I felt I had to put up this pretence that I will not be walked over blah, blah, blah. Past relationships can really mess you up!

I think many females come across angry without realising. Our tone, our mannerisms, the angry scowl etched on our face 24/7 doesn’t help. Smile ladies it doesn’t hurt! Men can deal with it but they’d rather not. It’s too much head ache they just want a simple life.

2.     Your shallow Terry said that character should be what you look for in a man. It kind of refers to last weeks post about expectations. I have to wonder who in this day and age really still goes by the he has to be tall, drive a certain car, earn a six figure salary, etc. Do these men exist? I’m sure there’s a few but I’m not sure how many have good character.

I’ve been caught up with the materialistic things that a man can offer but underneath it all there wasn’t any integrity. The materialistic things don’t really mean much in the end.

3.     You’re a slut! A friend with benefits never works! I’ll do a post on this at a later date. You can try convincing yourself all you like that your okay with the situation but you’re not fooling me. Men and women view sex differently we hear this all time yet I think some women go into this thinking they can change the game. Sex will not make a man fall in love with you. It most certainly won’t push him to marry you. What man is going to want a marry woman who is promiscuous? As Terry said there comes a time in your life when you’ve got to let that stuff go. 

      I’m not here to judge and whilst I liked Amber Rose (disclaimer I’m not calling her a slut) and Kanye West as a couple. I knew there was no way in hail he’d marry her. Men are protective and no husband wants pictures of his wife half naked scattered over the web, posing provocatively with other women, etc. Yes I know he contributed too many of those images but believe me he’d told himself she was not wife material. She may be for someone else out there. Friends with benefits maybe, wife NO!!! Husbands do not want any man seeing their wife in this kind of light.

4.     You’re a Liar in other words you compromise your true feelings. Women do this time and time again. A few female associates of mine are in the friends with benefits zone and are not happy. Some have expressed they wanted more, most haven’t. If a guy has told you he doesn’t want a relationship you better believe him. We as women settle too much and the pressures of society, biological clock don’t help. However that doesn’t mean you have to rush into a situation your not happy with. Life’s too short and it’s too draining emotionally to be putting up with rubbish. I admit I’ve compromised my feelings in the past. I guess fear held me back and the whole rejection issue took over. The end result was that I wasn’t happy. The longer I compromised the harder it was to get out and more hurt was inflicted.

5.     You’re selfish! I often wonder if Diddy will ever get married. He’s so consumed with his Business Empire, career, twitter, etc. I can’t see where a wife fits into the equation right now. You have to be honest about yourself if all you think about is you, you and you. Then marriage will be a problem. I can honestly say I’m not at a place for marriage right now it is all about moi. With my degree, juggling work, no children and my burning desire to travel the world. I’m not pushed to put anybody else’s needs before mine. Apart from family and friends of course. I’m being honest! Not ready for that level of commitment just yet!

6.     You’re Not Good Enough. This all stems down to self worth. You’d be surprised how many women lack this. Some try and mask it with make up, clothes, hair yet deep down they don’t love themselves. If you don’t love you, you won’t be able to love someone else. While these things may grab a man’s attention it won’t always keep them there. Sooner or later the real you will emerge. I lacked self worth in my younger years hence some of the bad decisions I made and why I settled in some destructive relationships. Tracy McMillan posed the question how many of you are looking for a partner who is your equal? Marriage is about respecting the other person as an equal. You need someone who is going to balance you out. If a man is going to date and go on to marry you. He’ll do it because he loves you for you…flaws and all.

Of course men play a part in marriage, but I think women focus too much on what the man is going to bring too the table. Stop criticising and concentrate on yourself first. One of the principal things I’ve taken away from this Counselling course thus far is self awareness. I need to be aware of my thoughts, my behaviour with clients, my hidden thoughts (they do come out), my body language, my tone, what’s said, what’s unsaid, my values, etc. Truth hurts but if you don’t even know how you come across/behave. Then how are you going to have successful relationships? Thoughts!