I guarantee every woman has tried to change their boyfriend/husband at some point in their life. I.e. the continued insistence that he throw away those brown shoes you loathe so much. Or the fact that you don’t like his current hair style and continually try to persuade him to change it back. Although some may see these are minor examples it can still be perceived as trying to change your partner.
Then there’s the extreme case when you’re dating a person notorious for cheating yet you think that by being with you he might change his ways. There’s a lot of hope riding on ‘might’. Or maybe your controlling nature has become too much. I guarantee this will have the opposite effect. If they do change it won’t last long and will only build feelings of resentment. Your partner will feel they have to suppress their real self and the behaviours you can’t stand will slowly creep back into place.
Surely when we get together with a person we’re supposed to love them for who they are in their current state. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a persons potential but don’t get with a person purely based on it. There should be strong characteristics that you like not solely what this person could become. You'll constantly have an expectation of what your partner should be like and how they should behave. When they don't match your expectations and you don't see the changes quick enough problems arise. Been there, done that, brought the t-shirt and have now burnt it.
Why would you want to change your partner? Is it because we don’t want to accept what’s right in front of us. We as women have a hard time accepting what our eyes see. Our hearts sometimes override the obvious. We sugar coat situations and live in a state of denial. We convince ourselves that we can change this person for the better. Have you considered they may not want to change?
We feel that with enough love and attention this person will change. The rewards of our heroic efforts are that he’ll appreciate me, settle down, change and we’ll live happily ever after. We believe the nagging, or the art of manipulation will cause our partners to change their ways.
Is it because women are nurturers by nature and try to see the good in everybody? Who knows you could be playing the role of girlfriend and mother in one. Some men are more than happy with this set up. If I can sweet talk you into thinking I’ll change then I’ll run with it. There are some men who want to be mothered. Then super woman arrives thinking she can change him only to be left disappointed. Some women create a cycle that just repeats itself in the kind of man that they are drawn towards with the same results over and over again.
You rushed into things. Hurried along with the dating process and didn’t take the time to know the person properly. Didn’t ask those all important questions. Rushed into intimacy and now your emotions are clouding your judgements. Your partner is not the person you thought he/she’d be. You thought that once you entered the relationship phase things would change. He didn’t want to spend hours on the phone before but surely he will now we’re in a relationship. He wouldn’t show P.D.A but now there’s a level of intimacy he will right?
Everybody wants to feel sought after, appreciated and loved. All your efforts of trying to change him start a state of dependency. You love being the crutch for your man and don’t mind as long as he changes in the process.
Is it out of fear? If you can’t change your spouse the underlying issue is that you may not be happy in the long run. With that conclusion big decisions have to be made. Do you stay and accept your partner for who they are or leave due to your neediness to control.
